Tao Lin - Richard Yates

“You shouldn’t ‘should’ anything,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Just think about what you do that you do without thinking to do it, like stopping to pee, why do you want that more than what you say you actually want? It can only mean that you don’t actually want what you just typed. You are extreme when you cut yourself or starve yourself but not when it involves me. I’ve made you less extreme. You are just comfortable with me. You don’t go running or stay up all night.”

“I didn’t realize how shitty I was acting,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’m not extreme enough. The only reason anyone could say why I act differently than how I say I want to act is because I’m selfish and don’t care as much as I say or don’t really understand what it means to be in a relationship or that I am too comfortable with you. I feel terrible to say that but that is it. I think it’s good for me to say it because it hurts me and makes me want to do more. I think for a long time I said I liked you but I didn’t really know what I was doing. I know all you want is to be happy with me because you really do like me a lot. I’m very stupid, why aren’t I doing more for someone I think is so good and kind and that I like. I’m also hurting myself when I don’t do what I say, when I don’t exercise more or eat right. You think I like that better than you but I’m very unhappy when I do that. Being lazy and a cheese beast is no different than doing drugs. It takes a long time to stop even if the person is unhappy. If I really preferred being an asshole and a cheese beast I would have left you.”

They continued typing things on Gmail chat.

Around 2:30 a.m. Haley Joel Osment was confused a few minutes then said “I do know what I’m talking about, but it’s too hard to explain. I don’t care if you don’t sleep and get a cold. A parent would care about that, or a couple that has been together for like 40 years and is only with each other because they are used to it. If you’ve just met someone you’re aware that it would make each of you happier to stay up all night and get sick than to sleep and not get sick. So that is what happens. Later it gets boring and they stay together only as place-holders.”

“That is a good way to explain,” said Dakota Fanning. “You’re right that it is better to just do it and deal with consequences later than never do anything and have life be boring.”

“So I wouldn’t stop you if you wanted to go running today for two hours and maybe get a cold later, because I would know that you would be happier doing that, and happiness is all that matters really,” said Haley Joel Osment feeling vaguely confused. “If you have a cold and are happy it is better than not having a cold and being unhappy. I mean I would know you would be happier doing that if I know that you really mean what you say, about wanting to do things like that. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore I think. I’m going to pee and make a smoothie.” About ten minutes later he said “I want to feel pressured in the same way you feel pressured now. If you kept wanting to drink coffee and stay up I would feel pressured and also want to drink coffee, or if you went running instead of complaining about being fat I would feel pressured to do things that would make you happier. I want to feel pressured in that way. But you’re right. I stay with you because I do pretty much believe you want that also.”

“Because you don’t get angry when I tell you,” he said.

“Where are you,” he said. “Are you still there.”

“I’m here. I’m just thinking and putting everything in a word document to read again. As usual there isn’t much I can say. I can just read what you say and then think and do things and think about what I’m doing and whether or not it would make you happy or make you feel like I don’t like you as much as you like me.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “I’m not angry, I just wanted to try to find out more.” A few minutes later he said he really expected her to stay up all night last night to make the stuffed dog for his mother. “I don’t know,” he said. Dakota Fanning said she was going to try to get her mother to bring her to Wal-Mart before the airport so she could buy materials to make the stuffed dog in Texas. She said she was also sending flowers to Haley Joel Osment’s mother. “I should have already done it,” she said. “You’re right.”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t run to Wal-Mart today to get the materials,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Or why you didn’t have an overwhelming urge to do that.”

“I’m fucked,” said Dakota Fanning.

“Did you see what I typed,” said Haley Joel Osment.

“Not past ‘I don’t know.’ What did you say.”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t run to Wal-Mart today to get the materials. Or why you didn’t have an overwhelming urge to do that. It’s like there is a blue pen, a blue and red pen, and a red pen in front of a person and they say they like the blue pen most. But they always use the red pen and then say ‘sorry, next time I will choose the blue and red pen.’ Never mind. I know it’s hard for you to change. I think I’m not upset as long as I know you’re trying and still want to do it and don’t get angry at me when I show how your actions don’t match your words. But I still get upset and frustrated.”

“Okay,” said Dakota Fanning. “I’ve copied and pasted things to read. And I’m going to take my orange notebook with me whenever I go places and I am going to write down what I’m thinking and keep the things you’ve said in there. My mom will be awake in 15 minutes or so. I want to shower and get dressed so I can help her get everything done in time to leave early so I can get materials from Wal-Mart.”

“Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment. “Is there anything else you want to say.”

Dakota Fanning thanked him for being patient and spending time to make her CDs. She said she missed him. “Okay,” said Haley Joel Osment.

Dakota Fanning called from Texas one night saying that at dinner with her mother’s co-workers everyone at the table including an obese party girl lectured her about college and veganism for a long time after she said school was stupid. Haley Joel Osment said she shouldn’t tell party girls or cheese beasts things like that. One night she called crying and said she ate the vegetables off a pizza and threw up. “Her reaction seems worse than what she did,” thought Haley Joel Osment after the call. “She is really trying to change, so it is affecting her a lot, maybe.” Dakota Fanning returned to New Jersey August 13 and emailed Haley Joel Osment photographs from her digital camera of things in Texas including an advertisement for “cheese curds” that showed ten things in a box and said “curiously delicious.”

She began using her mother’s exercise machine and emailing Haley Joel Osment photos showing how long she exercised and how many calories the machine said she burned.

* * *

In Florida Haley Joel Osment drove his mother’s Honda CRV almost every day to Whole Foods using her credit card to buy things to eat or mail to Dakota Fanning. He replaced some of his mother’s things with organic versions of the same thing. He made three to five smoothies a day and recorded himself playing piano and drums and mailed a CD of it and some DVDs he liked to Dakota Fanning. He recorded drums over a Chopin étude. He recorded a twenty-two-minute drum solo for Dakota Fanning to listen to while exercising. He drove to Wal-Mart, Kmart, Walgreens, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Albertsons, CVS and stole Moleskine notebooks and Energizer e 2Lithium batteries and hearing-aid batteries to sell on eBay. One afternoon in his room he organized a large pile of stolen goods into a square, photographed it many times, emailed one photo to Dakota Fanning. He visited his father in jail twice a week with his mother whose plans had changed and was no longer leaving America. One night in Barnes & Noble Haley Joel Osment picked up five large Moleskine notebooks and walked outside and put them in the Honda CRV, went in Barnes & Noble, picked up five large Moleskine notebooks, walked outside, ran to the Honda CRV. Four or five employees ran out of Barnes & Noble shouting things. Haley Joel Osment put his head very low in the Honda CRV. After about a minute he drove out of the parking lot with a neutral facial expression thinking “Yes” and sometimes “Victory.” He drove home listening to music very loud with the windows down.