J.G. Ballard - Cocaine Nights

'They're… a spare set.' The keys that I had found in the orchard lay on the bureau. I had said nothing to Paula about them, deciding to wait until I had tested them against the locks of her BMW. 'Paula 'What is it? You're flitting about like a moth around a flame.' She came up to me, inspecting my pupils. 'Have you taken something?'

'Not the sort of thing you mean.' I turned to face her. 'Look, I'm not sure I can cope with Frank this afternoon.'

'Why not? Charles?'

'You go on alone. Believe me, it's not the right day. Too much has happened.'

'But he asked for you.' Paula tried to read my face. 'What on earth can I tell him? He'll be shocked when he hears that you've refused to come.'

'He won't. I know Frank. He made his decision to plead guilty and nothing will change that.'

'Something new may have cropped up. What do I say to Cabrera? You're not going to leave Estrella de Mar?'

'No.' I put my hands on her shoulders to calm her. 'Look, I want to see Frank, but not today, and not to talk about the trial. All that has slipped to the back of my mind. There are other things I have to do here.'

'Things that involve Bobby Crawford?'

'I suppose so. He's the key to everything. Getting closer to Bobby Crawford is the only way I can help Frank, not going to Zarzuella jail.'

'All right.' She relaxed, and placed her hands over mine. Her over-prompt agreement made me sense that she was following a route of her own. She was leading me through the outer corridors of a maze, guiding me to another door whenever I seemed to falter. She waited as I stared at her breasts, deliberately exposed by the low lapels of her jacket.

'Paula, you're too glamorous for those prison guards.' I moved the lapels together. 'Or is this how you keep your elderly patients going?'

'The breasts are for Frank. I wanted to cheer him up. Do you think they'll work?'

'I'm sure they will. If you're not certain you could always test them first on someone else.'

'A sort of trial run? Maybe… but where could I do that? The Clinic?'

'That wouldn't be ethical.'

'I hate being ethical. Still, it's an idea…'

I pushed Frank's case across the bed and sat beside it. Paula stood in front of me, hands on my shoulders, watching as I unbuttoned her jacket. I felt the mattress yield under my weight, and imagined Frank undressing this handsome young doctor, his hands between her thighs as mine were now. The regret I felt at taking advantage of Frank's absence, and having sex with his former lover on his own bed, was eased by the thought that I had begun to replace him in Estrella de Mar. I had never seen Frank make love, but I guessed that he had kissed Paula's hips and navel as I did, running my tongue around its knotted crater with its scent of oysters, as if she had come to me naked from the sea. He had raised her breasts and kissed the moist skin still bruised by the wired cups of her brassiere, he had drawn out her nipples between his lips. I pressed my cheeks to her pubis, inhaling the same heady scent that Frank had drawn through his nostrils, parting the silky labia that he had touched a hundred times.

However briefly I had known Paula, my brother's months of intimacy with her body seemed to welcome me to her, urging me on as I caressed her vulva and felt the scent glands around her anus. I kissed her knees, and then drew her to the bed, pressing my tongue to her armpits and tasting the sweet gullies with their soft underdown. Feeling not only lust but an almost fraternal affection for her, my imagined memories of her embracing Frank, I held her to my chest.

'Paula, I…'

She cupped her palm over my mouth. 'No… don't say you love me. You'll spoil it. Here, Frank liked my left nipple She raised the breast and pressed it to my mouth, smiling at me like an intelligent eight-year-old conducting an experiment with a younger sibling. Her own pleasure was an emotion she observed from a distance, as if she and I were strangers who had agreed to an hour's practice at the nets. Yet as I lay between her legs, her knees against my shoulders, she watched me come with the first real warmth for me that I had seen her express. She pulled me into her arms and embraced me tightly, hands at first searching for Frank's bones but then happy to hold me. Taking my penis in one hand, she began to masturbate herself, eyes fixed on my still-leaking glans, forefinger parting her labia.

'Paula, let me I tried to slip my hand below hers, but she pushed me away.

'No, I'll come more quickly on my own.'

When she came she stiffened fiercely, hand pressed against her furrow, then allowed herself to breathe. She kissed me on the mouth and nestled against me, glad to put aside the cynicism she showed to the world.

Fond of her, I ran a finger lightly along her lips and drew a sleepy smile on to her mouth, but she stopped me when I placed my hand on her pubis.

'No, not now 'Paula, why can't I stroke you?'

'Later. It's my Pandora's box. Open it and all the ills of Dr Hamilton might escape.'

'Ills…? Are there any? I bet Frank didn't believe that.' I took her palm and held her fingers to my nose, inhaling the rose-damp scent of her vulva. 'For the first time I really envy him.'

'Frank's very sweet. Not as romantic as you, though.'

'Really? That amazes me – I thought he was the romantic one. What about you, Paula? Was it a good idea to become a doctor?'

'I never had much choice.' With a fingertip she gently touched the bruises on my neck. 'At fourteen I already knew that I had to be just like my aunt. I did think of becoming a nun.'

'For religious reasons?'

'No, sexual-all those masturbating sisters mind-fucking Jesus. What could be more erotic? I was such a mess when my mother left us. There were all those emotions I couldn't control, so much hate and anger. My aunt showed me the way out. She was so realistic about people, no one ever hurt or surprised her. Medicine was the best training for all that.'

'And the acid humour? Be honest, Paula, you're rather amused by most people.'

'Well… most people are rather odd, when you stand back and look at them. I like them, on the whole. I don't despise people.'

'What about yourself? You're pretty hard on your own feelings.'

'I'm just… realistic. I suppose I do have a low estimate of myself, but most of us probably should. Human beings aren't all that wonderful.'

'Not the sort of human beings you find on the Costa del Sol. Is that why you stay here?'

'Among all the alcoholics in the sun, groping each other like ancient lobsters?' Laughing, she lay against my shoulder. 'Never get a suntan, Charles, or I'll stop loving you. The people here are all right, in their way.'

I kissed her forehead. 'Your turn will come, Paula. And mine.'

'Don't say that. Last year I spent a week in the Virgin Islands -it was just like Estrella de Mar. Endless apartment blocks, satellite TV, no-questions sex. You wake up in the morning and can't remember if you fucked anyone the previous day.' She raised one knee, watching the shadows of the plastic blind wrap themselves around her thigh. 'It looks like a bar code. How much am I worth?'

'A lot, Paula. More than you think. Put a higher value on yourself. Being hyper-realistic about everything is too simple a get-out.'

'Easy to say-I spend my time with senile accountants and alcoholic airline pilots, bringing them back from the dead…'

'That's a rare talent. The rarest of all. Save a little for me.'

'Poor chap. Do you need resuscitating?' She rolled on to her elbows and put a hand on my forehead. 'Still warm, there's a pulse there somewhere. You seem pretty content to me, Charles. Roaming around the world without a care 'That's the problem – I ought to have more cares. All this travelling is just an excuse not to put down roots. Unhappy parents teach you a lesson that lasts a lifetime. Frank got over it somehow, but I'm still stuck in Riyadh at the age of twelve.'