James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

But it was funny how he telled it, just daft. But it came into my head when Gary said it, just if it did happen, and it was you, if ye were just doing it, and then something else and after it it just fell off, so it was just, it just fell off. Ye tried to imagine it. I could not. If ye needed a pee what would happen? It would come out yer belly button or something. Ye could not imagine it. Ye would have to pee out yer belly button, I said.

Oh would ye f**k. It would just be like a f***y, said Podgie. He pointed at me. Belly button! Gary laughed and so did the Primary 6.

What are you laughing at? I said.

Oh it is just thinking about it.

You have no even got a t****r, said Podgie.

Oh but imagine it was Sandra, said Gary, she is just clatty.

Aye but you telled us ye would go with her, I said.

So did you you c**t.

No I did not.

Oh you f*****g liar Smiddy ye did so.

I did not.

Podgie laughed. I bet ye f*****g would p**p her!

No I would not.

She is a f*****g cow, said Gary.

Well she would not take you, I said.

She would not take you either.

Maybe she would.

Well away and f*****g ask her.

No.

I dare ye, said Podgie. Oh do it!

You do it.

Are ye feared?

Gary said, Oh Smiddy, maybe if ye asked her she would.

Go and f*****g try it, said Podgie.

No.

Oh but I am daring ye! Ye have got to. Just if we can get a f**l, go and ask her.

Oh Podge, no, I am not going to.

Gary laughed. Oh Smiddy what would ye say if ye did? Just if ye did.

I am no going to.

But just if ye did.

No.

We are not asking ye to go, just if ye did, what would ye say?

Podgie was laughing now. I said to him, What would you?

It is f*****g you Smiddy it is no me. Come on, just say it!

Just what they say, oh please Sandra please.

Gary laughed and pointed at me. Oh please Sandra please!

Podgie laughed too. A big f*****g riddy! Look! He has got a big f*****g riddy. Oh please Sandra please!

But that is what they say.

No they do not.

Aye they do.

They f*****g do not.

Aye they do, I heard them.

No ye did not you c**t! Podgie and them were laughing at me. Two Primary 6 S were there. Podgie let them. They stayed near him and Gary. One of them had a sister and telled Podgie about her, Oh she comes out her bath and just with a towel.

Imagine that if it was yer sister. I did not mind Primary 6S coming but if they were there and laughing at ye. I would have battered their head in. They were all laughing. That was Podgie. But I knew about it with Sandra Millar and he did not, only what Gary said. Gary thought it was just him knew but I knew too. I did really People f**t her t*ts and her legs too. If it was her f***y, maybe it was. Ye were to sit on the step and she stood beside ye and that was it, so ye done it then, that was what she done, and she stood beside ye and ye were just sitting on the step, so that was when, ye just done it, so if ye put yer hand up and she just let ye so ye just did it and I knew what it was.

Oh but if it was yer sister. Sandra's brother Bobby did not come out much, just stayed in his house and done model-kits. Mitch did not like him doing it because he done them too, but no so many as Bobby. Ye could see his from the pavement outside if it was nighttime and his light was on. He had them hanging from the ceiling, wee airoplanes. If he came out to play it would be fights all the time. Ye could not laugh if it was yer sister they were talking about and Podgie there. Ye would have to fight him else ye were a's***ebag cause ye would be the worst coward. So if the big ones were feeling her f***y and touching her t*ts.

Podgie could sink ye with one punch. I would not care. If it was a bottle, I would batter him with it because if it was yer sister ye were no going to let that happen. I would not be feared of him. If he was bigger than me. So what. How because they were big so they could beat ye, so what, I was no feared of him. Maybe I was, so if I was, ye just had to move fast. My granda showed me that and to get them off balance, ye stand square and go to the side to shove him and shoving his left arm and he would fall down. Because if yer man is heavy and ye get them off balance they fall to the ground and it is all that weight they carry. And ye just had to boot them. And it was no dirty fighting, it just had to be else they would get ye. Uncle Billy said that. Then if they got ye down, tough luck.

In the old place a fat boy was there and we all were in the park. He was no scared of any best fighters. Me and him were wrestling and we were having to do something and he had on his vest and big fat legs. Older ones laughed at him, Oh fatso, wee Smiddy will beat ye!

Out the wee ones I was a best fighter. But he just was looking at me. But he knew I was a best fighter. So then we were wrestling and he was on the floor and I got on top of him but he threw me over and sat on top of me. I could not breathe. His big b*m was on top of me and his knees on me too. I could not move even a wee bit. He looked down at me, and a big red face. Do ye give in!

No.

Do ye give in?

No.

I would not give in. I tried to throw him off but I could not, he was too heavy, and his knees squashing down on my arms, just sore. My granda said about big heavy ones and ye just watched for balance and were square on with yer feet but side to side to get him and if he came in ye grabbed his arm and pulled him through and down he went because with his big weight, so that was him. For Uncle Billy it was just boot into him. But no my granda. Oh son you are a defender. If somebody comes at you ye just defend yerself. But do not talk about booting into boys else that is the dirtiest fighting. But if it was Podgie and ye were fighting him, ye would have to else he would have gave ye a real doing.

***

I did not like Sandra's face much but it came into yer mind if ye were near her close and looking up at her window or else her brother Bobby was there and he was looking down at ye. He did not like ye there. And ye were thinking it, if she was there on the step and if ye were beside her. Then if ye saw her coming home from school, she did not look at ye. I did not look at her.

Oh but Lyndsey Farrel, she was Sandra's pal. People wanted a f**l off her too but she did not let them. I was down at the shops and saw her. She was looking at me. I thought she was. Another boy was there and we were smoking a fag. She had black hair coming down both sides of her eyes, and her skirt and her legs just like the way she walked and then how she turned round and just how her skirt stuck out, and just swinging. Some lasses' skirts just done that and it looked good just how it went, I thought it was good.

A lot of people fancied Lyndsey Farrel. She came past and they all watched her and if they shouted else whistled. Podgie and Gary done it and said about her because she went with Sandra Millar. So she was a r**e, or a boy p****d her. Oh he p****d the a**e off her. Oh she is just a pure p**p. She is worse than Sandra Millar. I did not like them saying about her. Oh Smiddy fancies wee Lyndsey. Oh Smiddy's got a f*****g beamer.

Other boys were there and they still were saying it. They were not real pals. If they were, real pals would not do that. Oh f*****g b*****ds, I said it in my head.

Gary just laughed at ye too. But take away Podgie. If Podgie was not there. So then Gary would be different. It was Podgie. It was just him. He was just like the worst bully. I thought that about him. I would never ever take him in my house again, never ever. Never. Just never at all.

So if ye were fighting him. I thought about it. If I could. It was not like granda and ye were boxing. For Podgie ye went and got something so ye could hit him. So if it was a brick. Ye just got something. Uncle Billy said that. Podgie was just a dirty fighter. He done stuff to people. Then if he picked on ye. He done it to me. If ever he did it again I was going to get him. He tried to make a fool of ye. I hated him doing it. He could not make a fool of me. He did not know stuff and just thought he did. If he thought I could not get him, I could.