James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

The other real thing was lasses. They had girlfriends and just saw them and if it was you you were the third one and it was just two and two, ye got left outside the close. I did not like that. One was Rona Craig. If her and her pal went messages for their maw Peter and Billy walked them down the shops. I liked Rona too.

Ye did not do that with Podgie and Gary. Podgie just laughed at lasses. He said things that were daft and like a wee boy. I did not laugh at it. Gary did but Peter and Billy did not. I liked going with them, they done other stuff. They listened to the radio. On Sundays ye were playing football and some went away before the game finished. Peter did it but then Billy did. We were playing football and he just stopped. Oh I am away with Peter to hear the Top Forty. I would have went too. I did not ask but if I did they would have let me. But no if Podgie was there.

But on Sunday it was the hospital. I did not like coming to see granda but usually I had to.

It was just in the ward with the other people and him in bed with the blankets down his chest and his head all baldy and his arms outside. He did not look the same and his face had changed, it looked dirty and yellow and just wee, just a wee face. Maybe if the window was open and dirt came in. It was lines in his face, the dirt was in them. I could clean it up, just wipe it if there was a cloot to do it. Then his chest where the buttons on the pyjamas were, the hair poked through, all white hair from his chest, long stuff all through the pyjamas edges and tangled up and just like hair on a head.

What if he passed away and ye were to go in and see him? His face just looking at ye. I did not want to see it. What would it look at ye for? It would just look at ye. It would just be another thing and laughing out at ye if it was creepy, if it was an evil spirit, granda was away and it took his body and then his mouth opened and his eyes too, just a wee bit. What if they opened wide and it jumped out to get ye?

Ye saw something funny and went up close to see. Ye looked in and ye knew it was not the same granda. Phantoms went into bodies then came out. The soul came out if ye passed away. It was my granda's soul if it was him. It flew out yer body and up to Heaven. Or it flew you away. The spirit came to get ye. Ye were dead. It came to get yer spirit and take it up to Heaven. That was the Guiding Spirit. Ye held its hand and it pulled ye out yer body. And then up up up going over the chimney tops. Ye were holding on going all the way up past clouds and way way up to Heaven to sit beside a Generous Host. Nobody was turned away from the Golden Table, and it was just a feast.

But if he was not passed away, only sleeping. But then he did it when ye were there visiting. Ye would see his mouth wide open, Oh it is the last gasp. It is his dying breath.

People gasped to get it and then could not. That was granda. He just gasped and could not lift stuff, not even a screwdriver. He could not walk and could not do sparring with ye. Oh I need to get a breath son, that was what he said and breathing to get it like hiccups, wee hiccups, slow ones and his eyes big looking at ye, hit hit hit and wee squeaky sounds, hit hit. And ye wished he just would not look at ye. How come he was looking at ye. Until then he smiled. Oh it was granda it was just granda it was him after all, and nearly ye were greeting. Oh what is it son?

Oh it is just you granda.

I knew it was only granda. That is who it was. Him himself. I just did not like it. But when I came home after seeing him I was glad oh just glad I went, I was.

Men came up to see him and were Masons. My grannie telled me in a quiet voice. Oh they are good men. And always smart. Oh they have nice clothes.

Granda had old friends from where he worked. They brought him stuff and he gave it to me and Matt. Lucozade and lemon juice. Oh I am no wanting that, give it to the boys.

Oh but granda it is yours, I do not want it.

Do as ye are told son.

Granda could have that voice if my maw was there or Uncle Billy. If he was angry, it sounded like that. They done what he said. My maw did not want to but she did. But he never done the voice with Auntie May. He liked her the best. That was what I thought. Her and grannie.

People liked some and no others. It was no really fair. It happened with me and Matt. No granda but he liked the two of us equal. He did. Most people liked Matt. Oh he is the first-born, said my grannie.

One time granda was sleeping and his hand was lying and I could take it and then he would smile out at me. Oh son it is you. But I did not. If he passed away I would do it and just take his hand, Oh bye bye granda, and his head would not move. That would be him dead. People are dead. My Granda Smith passed away before I was born. He was my Grannie Petrie Smith's husband. I called him Granda Petrie Smith and she checked me for it. Oh he was not a Petrie. I am the Petrie. He was a Smith.

It was just granda's cats, what about them? Grannie did not bother with cats. So if she kicked them out, where would they go? Uncle Billy could take them. Or us. If my maw let us. She did not like cats, but maybe if it was granda's she would. Oh but our house was too wee, that was what she said, you cannot swing a cat in it. There was just no free space for cats and just for nothing at all. Nobody picks up their mess. She shouted at people, Oh pick up yer mess.

But it was Matt that done it. And my da too, he left his stuff lying, his shoes and his jacket. And his cups and plates. He left them beside his chair in the living room so if ye walked by ye stepped on something. A cup. Or if ye stood on his jacket and stuff was in the pocket. Oh my fags my fags, so ye squashed the packet and it was just a stupid big row But ye could not help it if it was down at the side of the chair. Or his ashtray, ye kicked that and the ash and the dowps all scattered. So then my maw got angry at me. Or if it was a can of beer, that was the worst, the can went flying and all the beer splashing on the carpet. Oh stupid stupid, shouting at me, my maw was shouting at me, but it was my da that left it. Oh it is just asking for trouble with Kieron there. She said that to him, it was my clumsy feet.

Then the worst happened and she was greeting. It was terrible. My maw did not greet much. My da was just looking at her. She went away out the living room. My da looked to me. Oh for G*d sake son can ye no watch where ye put yer feet?

But it was no my feet's fault it was him for leaving it there.

And the shoes down the lobby at the bathroom door. Everybody left them there. If ye needed a pee during the night ye tripped over them. When it happened to my da ye heard the crashing and shouting and if he swore too, B****y d**n thing.

I tried no to leave stuff lying about, and in the bedroom I kept my side tidy. Ye walked in and saw it. It was not my clothes lying on the floor and a stack of clothes in below the bed. Matt just kicked them under. There was a laundry thing in the bathroom and one out in the lobby so ye could just shove in yer stuff. But he did not do it. If my maw was doing a wash she had to go and find his clothes. Oh if everybody would just put their old clothes in the laundry.

But it was not everybody it was Matt.

Oh do not blame your brother.

But it is him doing it.

Oh Kieron.

But it is no me.

It is not me.

Not and not no. It is not me and not it is no me. I just got sick of it. Matt did not even make his bed. His own bed. He did not make it. So she made it. Not if I was there. She did not want me seeing. So it was still not made when he came home from school. At bedtime he just jumped in and it was all untidy and the sheets and blankets all out. He did not bother. He was just lazy I said it to my maw.

Oh stop cliping.