James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

A lot of times I went down the shops to meet the boys. If Pat was down a message for his maw he gave me a wave. One time he shouted on me, Oh Kieron, how ye doing?

I just shouted back, No bad Pat, how is yerself?

When he went away Gary McNab said, Who the f**k is that?

Is he no a Pape? said Podgie.

Mitch was just looking at me, he knew he was. But Podgie and Gary knew he was a Pape as well. They were just acting it. And Gary said, Oh he called ye Kieron.

Oh Kieron! Podgie laughed.

If Papes called me Kieron, that was what they meant, how come? How come they did not say Smiddy? So Kieron was a Pape's name. I did not care. I did not care about my name. If people said Kieron and gave a wee look, well that was just them. One was one, then the other one. That was just me, that was what I thought.

Papes stayed everywhere and beside Gary and Podgie as well. People all knew them. Ye just gave a wee nod and so did they If ye saw ones coming ye kept out their way. Ye just went on the other side of the road. They did it or else us. Ye saw them coming a long way away so ye just crossed over, or else they done it. But ye done it a long way away. Because if ye did not, if ye waited too long, well ye had to stay. That was Podgie, Oh I am not moving for these c**ts.

So then if ye just kept walking. So they had to cross over. Ye hoped they would. Ye did not want a fight, except Podgie and if Mitch was there, Oh I will f*****g kill them.

Podgie just laughed but it was a worry. Because then the Papes saw you and how ye were not crossing the road. They thought if ye were chancing it, ye were making them look like's***ebags. So they would not let ye. Then ye could not back down, we could not and they could not. When they passed ye had to not give in, ye did not squeeze to the side to let them pass and they did not do it either. Ye kidded on ye did not see them. They done the same. When yez passed ye just walked a wee bit in and they walked a wee bit out and so then yez got through and no an argument and ye were just glad. Except Podgie. If it was one boy walking and he did not get out the way Podgie punched him off the pavement and even a kicking. Usually it was not to Papes, because ye did not know him and if he was in a gang or had big brothers, so if he came back with a team to get ye.

But people did not want trouble and usually ye just went the other side, if ye were yerself, if ye saw boys coming, ye always crossed over. So did big boys and even men, a lot of men, ye just looked to see who it was, they looked as well so if they knew ye, Oh hullo boys.

But if they did not know ye. I saw men cross over. Except with a drink in them, then they would just walk to ye. Ye heard them in the street if they were drunk. So if it was a Friday night they went to the pub after their work and came home steaming. Some came along the road singing and shouting, Follow Follow, Follow Follow. We are the Peopell. No surrender, no surrender!

People said it back to them. What is the cry? Oh no surrender! Wee boys shouted it to the man and ran after him and maybe went with him.

But then what if it was Papes? If Papes saw the drunk man. Oh who the f**k is that! Maybe they would give the drunk man a doing. Proddy b*****d. We thought that. We went behind them to see. So if people were there, if there was Papes. What were they going to do? If they took on the drunk man. That was not fair, and just wee boys with him. So if we were there.

A lot of times Mitch got angry at Papes. Podgie pointed at him. He liked it when Mitch got angry. But me as well because it just was not fair, people picking on one, if it was one Proddy and a gang of Papes were getting him, so ye were just watching to see who was going to do it, because they would soon find out with us there. What was the drunk man's name? If he was somebody's da, maybe he was. One was Mr Thompson, he stayed in my bit. He had two wee lasses. He came home drunk a lot of times and was shouting and bawling. Oh f**k the Pope, f**k the Pope. Pat and Danny knew him. He did not do nothing except if he was drunk. The worst was a man that got his head kicked in. He was a Proddy too. That man was just drunk and could not defend himself. My da said it, He could not defend himself. And they still done it. So that was the worst cowards. Imagine it was yer own da and a gang was going to jump him. What would ye do ye would just run and batter them. So it was quite the same. If people were going to pick on one man they had another think coming. They were looking for trouble. That was just cowards because he was drunk. So he could not defend himself. Even if he was a good fighter but now he was not and ye could batter him, just a bunch of weans could batter him. Well if they thought that they were wrong. We were there and would back him up. Fenian b*****ds.

We were not scared if it was bigger ones. It was dark and ye could run away easy through closes. We were not scared of them.

The drunk man did not see us, only the wee boys. We did not walk near him. So it was not us, we were not doing nothing, if people heard him shouting and looked out the window and saw us, well they did not. If it was Papes there and ye knew them, ye kidded on ye did not, just looked the way ye were going. If ye saw two ones sitting at a close and they were watching ye. So you were watching them. Who were they? If ye did not know them, well, if they are Papes. They were just sitting like that. If they were Proddies they would shout to ye. Or what. They would not be there, no sitting like that. If they were Catholics and they said something, well, we were just waiting, we would have jumped them. Who were they looking at. If they did not say nothing and just looked, who were they looking at if they thought they were looking at us. We were no feared of them, never, we would never have been feared of them. And if they were laughing, what were they laughing at. Even if a wee boy flung a stane at them, we would back him up. If it was just a wee boy and they were going to jump him, we would not stand back. But they would not do it with us there. We just stared at them. So if they did say something it would be after we were away, so we could not hear them, they were just cowards, Fenians were just cowards. And then if it was an old drunk man, imagine doing it to him, it was just cowards that done that.

So if a wee boy did fling a stane, the boys sitting would just walk into the close and through the back, we would not chase them, no unless they done something, but ye would just have to watch it because what the wee boy did not think was if the Papes had a gang and came looking for us so then what. Ye turn back or if ye do not, if it is a fight, what else, how many of them are there, so if it is too many ye have to scatter, just run for it.

***

Matt came out to the ward waiting room. I was to go in and see my granda. Matt stayed out with my da.

I just went in myself and saw my maw and Auntie May, and my grannie too. I did not know she was there but she was. In the next bed was a man and he had a very small head, it was just wee, and his eyes just shut.

My maw waved to me so I was to go round the other side to my granda. He was lying with the sheets up and his pyjamas and all white hairs out his chest. He was smiling and I was to take his hand and it was hair at the back too and all up his arm all black hairy I did not see it like that before. My maw was watching me. My granda was only lying there and his breathing. I stood at the front and my grannie was watching. Granda was smiling and so was I but he did not say anything. I thought about what to say to him but nothing came till then, Hullo granda.

Hullo son, and a croaky wee voice.

Are ye okay?

Oh I am fine.

My grannie was just looking and ye saw her. She was just sad, just looking. And if she was worried too, she was, I saw it, I saw how she was. That was my grannie, I knew how she looked. So if my granda was going to die. Oh.