James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

Cats done it too but they did not tell ye they were, like how dogs done it. Cats just looked at ye. But if they opened their mouth to yawn oh what a smell that was and ye thought about all what they were eating if it was wee mice and old bits of stuff, and old skin off fish and scrapings, that was what cats got, and if they opened their gub for a yawn that was the worst pong ye could get, and ye saw inside their mouths, how it opened like a crocodile, Oh Captain Hook and it was going to swallow ye down. If a big cat done that and it bit yer hand it would just be half of it taken away, ye would just have yer thumb and finger left if granda's big cat bit it. Ye saw its teeth and it was like a crocodile, so then you got a hook to join on yer wrist or if it was yer leg, a wooden leg, that was with pirates, if maybe a shark got them, the pirates made ye walk the plank and ye saw down below all the sharks were swimming just waiting to get ye, just to gobble ye up.

Matt had one too, it was in the room with all dirty socks and stuff. And if it was an old man, that was the worst smell because he was old, but if they had money, thousands and thousands, so they were millionaires, so they got all the lasses. That was what happened. Young lasses and they were just beautiful. It was disgusting and ye saw it on the telly. The celebrities and personalities, they were all millionaires, and ye saw the women they got, and they were all old guys, no teeth.

My da got annoyed about it. If it was not money. Of course it was. Money talks. How does a young lassie go with somebody like that, and if she is a personality, she can get who she wants, it's b****y disgusting. My da went on and on. My maw was knitting, but waiting to speak. So then she did, her fingers and the needles just the same. Stop going on about it, you go on about it too much. She did not look at him but just said it. It is only a play.

Matt was there too. I was about to go ben and make some toast for supper. No now. They were going to have an argument so no supper, da would not want any. That was what he done, he got huffy. Ye waited to see what would happen but usually that was what it was, he brought his feet up on the chair then sat on them, facing away from her. Oh I do not go on about it too much.

Yes you do.

Well it is just far-fetched, an old man like that touching the young lassie.

It is only a play.

Well it is far-fetched.

Now Matt came into it. Dad they are married.

No they are not.

They are. In the play they are, that is the story.

It does not matter what it is, a story or a play or what, if it is a load of nonsense. That is what it is. In real life it would not happen, no with him, a young lassie like that.

Well she is getting off with somebody else.

Oh Matt, said my maw.

But she is mum, it is that young fellow, she is getting off with him.

Do not talk like that, it is not nice.

But she is.

Maw did not want to hear and she kept on with the knitting. I went ben to make the toast, just for myself or whatever it did not matter, I was wanting out before something happened. Sometimes I liked it when they were fighting but just now I did not. My head was sore. If something bad might happen, I was wanting away before. It was my head just being sore, I did not like it. My da acted stupid and Matt was going to get him, that was what I thought. It was going to happen. I could see them. Matt was better at talking. He could beat him. He could beat my da. Then if he was shaving, my da said that to him, Oh you think you are a man because you are shaving?

I do not have any option, said Matt, if I shave I shave.

Oh you will need a house to yerself next.

Maybe I will.

I saw them as if they were separate when they done it, it was not the real them. Ye felt like shouting at them just stop it, as if they were kidding on, that was what I thought, it was not a real argument. Even it annoyed me, sometimes it did, just something about it I did not like it it was daft. Stop it. Ye shouted at them in yer head. And what could happen now was if my da picked on me. That was what I expected. Then it was not kidding on. After a wee row with my maw or my brother he sometimes done it, then it was a real one and he just shouted at ye. But no at Matt, he did not shout at Matt.

***

They built a new Chapel, a right big one. Most of the Catholics went to it. It had all wee wee windows and they were in the shape of a Cross. If ye fired a stone, ye could not hit them unless it was a lucky throw Some boys tried it but not that many and they did not break them. The Cross could put ye off. That was what people thought, because the Cross is God's or else Jesus's so if ye hit it well that was you. I would not have done it. They put them there for good luck, so something bad would not happen. But what bad was going to happen? Nothing bad was going to happen. The place was full of Papes so more like something bad was going to happen to the Proddies. We would get the trouble, the way they were all just breeding, it was like hot cakes, so then what would happen, if they outnumbered us. My da got annoyed or if he laughed how they all went to the Pineapple then they came home and out they all went to the pub. That was funny, because how could ye say that was religious, that was not religious, that was just like they said something at the Pineapple and then came home and done something else, if that was supposed to be Christians, what did their Priests say about that, nothing, because they went to the pub themself or else had a carry-out, everybody knew it, they liked a bucket, but the likes of Ministers, the ones there that drank too much, they were few and far between. My da never went to the pub on Sundays, just Fridays and maybe Saturdays at dinnertime.

Sunday morning was hopeless but the afternoon was good. It was aye a big game of football and that was where the cards happened, after the game or else at half-time. I said to Pat about coming for that, if Danny came too. They knew Catholics played but only in the big game. But even our wee games were good except if we had more players. I telled Pat and he said he might come, but he never. If it was just me out in the street then he came down with his ball. Or else if Mitch came up for me to go and play heidies outside my close.

If it was raining, it did not matter except if it was too heavy. Even if it was snowing, we just went out. We played till I got called up or else if the snow fell too thick. It was my da called me up. He was not working and saw out the window a lot. So if it was us playing, and it was snowing or else heavy rain he opened the window and shouted down, Hoy you! Up here! At once!

So ye had to come. There was a lamp-post on the outside of the pavement. From there to the inside pavement was one goal. We made the other one along a bit with a brick for the other goalpost. The game was just on the pavement but ye could use the street if the ball went out, usually it did.

The other side of the pavement was the front garden and it was a fence. Ye had to watch the ball did not go over too much. I was better at heidies than Mitch. He was a great goalie. But when he heided the ball it went squinty and over the fence. The family that had the garden did not like it. I knew them. They did not give me a row because I stayed up the close but they gave me hard looks.

I saw Pat up at his window watching us. He was good at football. I waved to him to come out but he did not. He could have played the winner except it was Mitch, he did not know him except he was a Proddy. Some Proddies did not play with Catholics and the same the other way about. Billy MacGregor and Peter Wylie would but Podgie and Gary McNab would not. They hated them. So did Mitch but he just played if it was me. If Pat came out Mitch would have played. Pat would have played with Protestants. Other Catholics would not. So we would not play them. Danny was a wee bit like it. If him and Pat were out kicking a ball with their pals from school they looked over and gave ye a wave but would not say to come for a game. Danny was pals with me but would never have come out if Mitch was with me.