James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

Oh but I cannot hear it.

Matt is trying to study.

So it was the complete house. Even when he finished the exams he still was swotting. He did not go out with any pals much except a Sunday We did not know where he went, except if it was ones from school. So it was snobs. He did not have any real pals. He used to have ones in the scheme but now he did not. So if he liked going to that school. Maybe he did, if he was a snob, maybe he was, even if it was yer brother.

Then my maw said it about me too, about that school. I thought it was just she was saying it and no meaning nothing. But then my da too. We were up at the hospital and in the corridor walking along and I heard her saying it, Well maybe Kieron can go there as well.

Oh what was that, it was the posh school. I was looking at maw but she did not say nothing else and did not see me looking.

My granda had got took into a unit. I did not know. I heard them talking how a growth was there. Matt was in with my Auntie May when we went into the ward. He went himself and found where it was. He just went into it and said to nurses and they showed him.

Then it was too much people round the bed. The nurse came and telled us.

Me and my da waited outside. He opened his paper and was reading it. Then was yawning and shut the paper. Oh how is school. How is it, is it okay?

Yes.

Ye looking forward to the big school? Eh?

Oh I do not know, maybe.

I was leaving in the summer and going to Secondary. So if it was Senior Secondary or Junior Secondary. My da said, Senior Secondary is the best and when ye leave school ye get the best job. Junior Secondary is just for dunderheids. I should know, that is where I went, do not tell yer mother.

He opened the newspaper and was reading it.

I saw the back page and was reading that, what if Rangers won the League. I thought they would. They could beat Celtic and the other teams. They could win easy Usually my da did not like me reading the paper when he was and if he saw me doing it he shut it. But just now he did not bother and gave me the back pages to see the football.

The teacher wanted us to read it. Oh if ye can just read the paper, that is a good benefit.

She liked us reading books the best. Oh but just read anything, just read anything. When I was a girl I read sauce bottles.

People were laughing at her but she did it, all the labels and if it was the cornflakes packet. She went round the class on Monday morning. Oh what have you been reading over the weekend? So then ye said it and if it was Lorna Buckle and a book, Oh Lorna will you tell everybody about it.

Lorna Buckle got a big red face. She had to stand in the front of the class. People laughed when she done it but then ye were listening. One time she done a Famous Five story out a book. I knew it because I read it. She telled the story and I knew what it was but did not tell the teacher.

I had the book out the library bus. It came round the street and ye just went in and got yer books. It was not like a real library, ye did not get many books. But it was good. The driver was a wee bit grumpy. But ye put yer name down for new books and he liked it if ye did. He showed ye the book names on a paper and ye just said, Oh that one, if a book had a good name, Lost Treasure of the Mountains.

I got that one but was having to skip bits. It was no very good and ye just forgot what it was and then were reading it and all the names of the people, who were they, they were all jumbled up. I saw Danny taking it out and telled him no to. Catholics came to the library as well. Some books ye did not read and just gave back. Ye said to people if ye knew a book was good or if it was not. Oh get that one, you will like it. But some books people told ye were good were not good.

Oh but it was great hearing the horn when the library came. It was the same as a bus nearly, a single-decker one. Ye watched for it coming then ran down the stairs to get first in. I tried to beat Danny but it stopped outside his close, so usually he got first choice. A lot of times it came too early and ye were still at school, so ye missed it and had to wait till next week or the week after.

A boy in my class was good at stories as well. Stuart Johnson. He just made them up. It was not from a book and was just daft but ye still listened, ye wondered what was going to happen. Oh there was a young man and he ran away from home to go to the Wild West and he joined the cowboys and they were all in a circus with pirates. So then it was a story about cowboys and indians and pirates as well. How come pirates if it was cowboys and indians? But people liked it. Podgie and Gary McNab just laughed at Stuart and said it was daft. He looked at ye when he was telling the story, he was wanting to see if ye were watching him. So if he was a true show-off. I think he was. I lifted my desk and looked in at the stuff, so he would see me doing it, Oh he is not listening to me.

But I was listening. But Lorna was the best one. Her voice went up and down and was a real lassie voice but what she done too if it was somebody talking, she did it in their voice. Oh where do you think you are going? So it was the baddy. Oh he is growling in his throat. Ohhhhh. Then it is the little girl. Oh please sir I do not know, I am just searching for my mummy. So Lorna done it in a wee squeaky voice.

Everybody liked it when she done them. I could tell stories too but I did not want to. I used to do it with John Davis when we went on the school buses. I just said if I was reading a book, oh it is about a boy who does this. John liked it. Mitch too and Gary McNab. Gary done it if he went to the pictures. He was good at it. So was Peter Wylie. Him and Billy went with lasses and that was what they done. They sat in the close and telled stories. Rona Craig was there. Peter said about pictures he went to. I done it with books. I read books a lot because in my house it was just peace all the time, Oh be quiet be quiet, so ye just read them.

***

Ye saw programmes on the telly too. Horrors. Some were good, except if they were too far-fetched and that happened a lot of times. It annoyed my da. Young lasses especially, if it was old men, if it was a play. How can a good-looking young lassie like her fall for that smelly old codger? He will just be pumping all the time. Pumping was not for's*x but just how my da said pumping for farting. Oh he will just be pumping the place out, it will be pongs everywhere.

It was all far-fetched, that was what my da said, just because of money, if the old codger did not have money no lassie would look at him twice. See the state of him. He is just a wrinkled old man with a baldy head and look, a bad limp, no a single tooth in his gub and he cannot walk without creaking and moaning all the time. No lassie would look at him twice. But would ye credit that, he is getting the woman and look, she is just a lassie, and beautiful, just a young lassie.

Old people are ponging. My da said it. It was not nice but I was thinking then my grannie, it was true, because sometimes she smelled, it was true, not a bad awful smell just maybe if it was whatever it was but ye knew it was her and ye never smelled it off anybody else. Old people on buses and on the train, they could have smells and sometimes bad awful ones. People said it. Look at that smelly old b*****d. Then ye saw an old old man. Oh he is minging, look at the state of him. But all people had smells. Even my maw, it was a milky kind of smell. My da's was just manky if he was home from work then washed but that smell was there, it was like bikes, that was on him, and ye saw his hands, inside his hands, it was the lines and there was black, so how come he did not wash it off?

Then if dogs sniffed ye. They did. They came up and sniffed. So you had one too. If they did not know ye they just went away The dog just came up and sniffed ye. Oh it is you. Because they did not know it was you till it was yer scent, so that was you.