James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

I hated it after. I hated it. Just my grannie and granda. I thought about them. It was just terrible and rotten what I done. I was just rotten. I was a f*****g rotter. I said it in my head, Oh you are a f*****g rotter. And if people ever found out, if my grannie said it, Oh Kieron has not been to see us. And then my maw, Oh but I gave him the money, so ye just spent it on fags. It was just terrible and horrible and granda in hospital. I would never do it again.

It was Gary and Podgie's fault. They said it to me. Oh you have never got any f*****g money.

I did not like going with them when Mitch was not there. They ganged up on ye. I went up for Podgie and his maw came to the door. Oh Derek is out playing.

So he was out and had not come up for me. That was what that meant. I went up for him but he did not come up for me. So if he was out with Gary. But they never came up for me.

Then I thought about pals. Who brought ye into their house and who did not? And who brought people into their house but no you? Because that was Gary, he took Podgie in but no me. How come?

Podgie did not take anybody in. His maw did not let him. Maybe it was his wee sister, if they did not want ye seeing her.

But another time Podgie came home with me after school he just came in my house. He knew my maw was not home till five so he just put his foot in and came in.

But I did not want him in my room because with Matt's stuff, what if he looked in it or knocked stuff? I wanted just to go out but he wanted to stay in. He said stuff in yer house. I did not like it. If it was outside it was okay but no if it was inside. Hoh Smiddy imagine ye had a sister? What if ye did and she was's**y? Oh if ye were seeing her and she was n**e. I thought if he wanted to w**k but I would not have let him.

I did not like him saying stuff. I did not have a sister. But what if I did and she was's**y? Podgie would just want to see her. That was what he was meaning. If he was there, he would ask all personal stuff about her underwear clothes and what, did she leave her stuff lying, if it was her k*****rs on the floor or if I ever saw her with no many clothes on, n**e or what, if ever she was n**e and whatever she was doing or having a bath, if she just walked about the house in her bare feet and if she was wearing a b*a, some lasses did, just her b*a and p****es, if ye saw her t*ts and bare b*m, so if ye got a's****y seeing her, even if she was yer sister so what if she was's**y? Gary McNab telled me. Oh he watches his wee sister getting her clothes off and has a w**k. Gary said that to me, if Podgie done that, that was just terrible, if it was yer sister, a wee sister. Podgie was just a rotter and a bully except only Gary, Gary could say stuff about people. He done it against me and Mitch, Oh they just go for w**ks, they go down the field to do it. That was what Gary said. I did not care. So if I got a riddy. Oh Smiddy has got a riddy. People said that, Oh if ye get a riddy it means ye done it.

I did not like Podgie saying stuff in my house. He done it in front of people too but that was just to get ye. But if it was just you and he done it. I did not like that and it was in the kitchenette and ye were just thinking, Oh that is where my maw sits. He was sitting in the same seat and saying's**y stuff, but in yer house it was just dirty. I hated him doing it. My maw went here making the tea and doing the washing and all what she done.

He said it to other ones that had sisters, Primary 5S and 6S. Oh I would's**g your sister. He said that to people. Oh your sister has got a big f***y. Oh can I f**l yer sister's t*ts. If I had a sister and he said it to me, if ever he even tried it, even just tried it. I would not have let him if it was mine. If ever he said's**y stuff about her. I would not let him. He done it the worst to wee Rab McKerrow. Then it was Bobby Millar. But he did not do it so much to Bobby because he was in Second Year at Secondary School but it was just how his wee sister was Sandra Millar. People said all stuff about her and got a f**l. She let boys do it. Other boys than us. Bigger. People said, Oh she is a r**e. But she was not a r**e, but she gave people f**ls.

Gary McNab telled us. Boys out Secondary School went with her to the back close where she stayed. She let them get a f**l. Bobby was her big brother but he was not a good fighter and not good at stuff. He shouted at Sandra but she shouted back at him. She was in 1st year so a year above me. People came to the close when their maw and da was at work. They just shouted up the close to her. Is Sandra coming out? Sandra! Ye coming out!

They were the same age as Bobby else older. He hated her for doing it. She hated him back. She just went out. People said if she would go with them. But she did. But at first she did not. Oh get away get away. That was what she said but they were going, Oh please Sandra please, oh just for a wee minute, oh please Sandra.

So then she let them do it. She said they all were a bunch of dirty bees but she let them, she just let them do it. She went round the back close with them so they were going to f**l her. They were just going to do it. Ye saw her taking them and she was going to let them. We went to watch. Two of them were on lookout at the back close, and they saw us. They were Second Years, same as Gary's big brother. We played football with them. At football it was okay if we were there but here, if we went over. Well, we would not go over. But if we did? We never would. They just were watching us. We did not see her, she was just up the steps but boys came out the close.

It was only some she let do it. No if ye were younger. Ones that done it just laughed and then if ye were playing football. Oh did ye get a f**l off clatty Sandra? Oh her f***y is f*****g minging, it is minging, it is smelly as f**k. That was what they said. Everybody was laughing. Oh did clatty Sandra give ye a w**k? Boys said that. But she did not, you got a f**l off her but she did not touch you.

Oh please Sandra please, oh just for a wee minute. And then she was letting them. Papes too. Gary said it. He knew ones that did, they went up for Sandra too.

Papes. Imagine that. Sandra let Papes do it. I did not think she would have let that happen. How come? It was no fair. If Papes had their own lasses, they should just have got them. How come they did not? How come they went with her? She should not have let them. She should not have let them. The Papes all would be laughing and she just let them. They should have got their own lasses and no laughing at ours. They all would be laughing. I did not like that. Papes should have their own lasses.

Gary looked when I said it.

Sandra is a Proddy, she should not be letting them. They will just laugh at her.

Podgie laughed at me saying it.

No but Podgie, I said, They should have their own lasses, they should not be laughing at ours. I do not like it if they are laughing. I do not think it is right that they are.

No. I do not either, f*****g Pape b*****ds.

Fenian c**ts, said Gary That is all they are. Tam Fairley and his pal, I saw them going.

Fairley is a cheeky big b*****d, said Podgie.

He is big-headed at football, I said, he thinks he is the best player.

He is a good dribbler, said a Primary 6, but he is too slow.

Gary said, If she lets Papes do it and no f*****g us, that is not fair either. And then they are just laughing at her, Papes.

Just because they go to Secondary School, said the Primary 6.

It has to be f*****g Secondary, said Podgie. He did not look at the Primary 6. Podgie let Primary 6S come with us but we did not talk much to them.

Oh she is a just a complete r**e, said Podgie, that is all she is, she is a f*****g p**p.

Gary said, Oh but imagine ye got the f*****g pox and yer t****r fell off!

Everybody laughed. But it was stupid. But what if it was not? It was a joke a boy telled when we were playing football. It was about a prostitute and how she was like a film star and was just beautiful. Then the soldier went with her and what happened he got the pox and his p***k fell off.