James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

I liked it if granda's old pals were there. One was Shuggy Baird. He came in and my grannie said it, Oh it is Shuggy, and she went away and gave him a big cuddle. My granda was no big and Shuggy was weer but ye saw how his arms were thick. If he punched ye ye would feel it. Uncle Billy said, Oh that is Shug Baird, he is a hard man on the Clyde. That is nice of him coming to see dad.

A nurse came in beside us, Oh there is too many round the bed, you will need to go away some of you.

Uncle Billy took me and Matt out to the waiting room and outside the corridor so he could smoke a fag.

***

Matt did not watch television much. He stayed in the bedroom reading books and swotting or with his radio listening to music. Just if it was football and sport, so then he came through. It was amateur internationals. My maw was there. She did not look except maybe her head would come up, Ohhhh, if one of the boxers got a right tanking. She read a magazine and was knitting. She did not like boxing but it was amateurs so she quite liked it. Oh your grandfather would love this!

Then it was a darkie fighting against a white man. Just with my da there it was a worry, he got angry at stuff. Sometimes ye went out the room but boxing was good. I kept my head down. I was sitting on the floor. My maw's needles clacked the gether, that was all ye heard. Then came an argument and ye did not know to be glad or sad because it was Matt and my da, my belly just, ohhh and my throat funny. I kidded on I was not listening. My da was saying about darkies and Matt did not like it and ye heard his voice, it was cheeky. Oh but dad, he said, what if the white man gave the Sign of the Cross?

He did not, said my da.

Well but if he is an RC, what if he is? Some do not make the Sign.

No if they are playing at Ibrox they do not. They know better. It would be b****y pandemonium.

But what if he is one?

What are you b****y talking about, said my da, keeping his voice low as if he was not angry. But he was angry. And swearing. My maw hated it. She would not let me and Matt say bad words either. Out the house I said them if I wanted. I did not used to but now I did. I just did. But not swear words. I tried it sometimes but it did not sound good.

My da did not like Matt talking like this, not with me and my maw there. Ye were not to say stuff back to him because he was the father. He was not allowed to when he was a boy and we should not either. Matt said to him, I am just saying what if the white man is a Catholic? What if it is him and a darkie fighting together?

My da's knees came up under him, so he was sitting on his feet. That was a way he sat. His fags were on top of the boiler cupboard at the side of the fire. He reached for the packet and the matches.

Who would you want to win? said Matt. His voice was rushing and jittery and he did not look at my da.

My maw said, Do not be cheeky to your father.

I am not being cheeky, I am just saying.

My da had a fag out the packet now and got it lighted. He stared at the match burning then blew out the flame. He turned to look at Matt. What do you know you do not know nothing. Once ye have been out and seen a bit of the world then ye can talk.

I am just saying.

Oh ye are just saying. Ye are always just saying. Why do you not keep yer trap shut?

Oh John!

My da just blew out loud and then lit his fag.

Oh you are too noisy, said my maw. Both of you.

But Matt said to my da, Would ye want somebody to win?

Pardon? My da stared over at him.

Who would ye want to win?

My maw laid her knitting down. You are just too noisy. The pair of you are.

That was the way my maw done it. But they were not too noisy they were just saying it in low voices. She went back to the knitting.

My maw hated it if people argued and if it was Matt and my da that was the worst. But my da did not bother with what she said and was looking at Matt. Now Matt looked at him. My da said, So what are ye saying? What are ye saying?

Nothing.

Oh, nothing! My da kept looking at him.

Matt said, Do you want it to be a draw so they both lose?

I beg yer pardon? What did you say?

Matt did not talk. It was cheeky what he had said. He had a red face. My da took a long draw on his fag and blew the smoke out slow. I am asking what you said.

It was just a question.

Oh it was just a question.

My maw's face was red too. She had her head bent to the knitting. I could see her eyes from where I was sitting. She said to me, Oh Kieron, who is the teams boxing?

Wales and England.

Yes, said Matt to my da, I did not know you wanted the English before the Welsh.

I do not care.

Oh. Matt sounded like it was a joke.

That is right, said my da. He was very very angry He did not smoke his fag, just held it in his fingers then saw on top of the boiler cupboard, maybe for his ashtray. His teacup was there but he did not lift it.

My da never took the English before the Welsh and Ulster. Only if it was Ireland. Ireland was the worst of all. He said that, I would rather have the Gerries before them. Oh the Irish, they get everything, just everything. But in the boxing here the wee darkie was in the Wales corner. My da said, Oh he is not Welsh, he is a darkie. You do not get darkies that are Welsh, that is just a joke. And he said about the English boxer, Oh I like him, he is a tough wee boy.

My brother said, Oh but dad what if he is a Catholic?

He is not a Catholic.

Yes but what if he is?

Shut yer d**n mouth.

What if the darkie is one too?

Pardon?

What if he is?

What ye b****y blethering about?

I am only saying what if he is?

Matt's voice sounded funny and was more jittery. What was he going to do? Ye did not know. I wanted to see his face but I kept my head down and did not because my da, if he saw me listening. He would hate me listening. But just his voice, it was just so so angry. It was not the same for me. He just looked at me and shaked his head. Now a thought came to me about Matt, and just if he gret, what if he gret? I had not seen him greeting. When was it last? I could not think of it. He said to my da, There is a coloured boy in my class.

Ye telled me before, said my da.

Yes, well he is, and he is a Catholic.

Oh ha ha.

He is.

Ha ha.

I am telling ye dad he is a Catholic.

So what do ye want me to do?

Nothing.

So what ye telling me for?

Just telling ye.

Ye have a good b****y cheek in ye son that is what I will tell you.

I am just talking.

Oh aye ye are just talking, ye do enough of that.

Oh please stop this fighting, said my maw.

My da looked across to her.

Just stop it, please.

Well, I do not know what he is talking about. He took his feet down off the chair and sat back with his paper and opened another page. The boxing match was still on but he kept reading the paper and was not interested to watch. Matt too, he waited a wee minute then got up and went out the room.

Usually in our house ye said goodnight if ye were going to bed. If ye did not ye were in a huff or it was fighting. That was it with Matt. After he left the room there was no speaking. I did not like sitting there as if it was us three against him. Sometimes he spoke to my da and it was snobby, he just sounded snobby, and my da did not like it. He did not say aye and ye and telled and my da did. Matt did it to get ye. He got in with my maw by doing it and my da did not like it. My maw just liked Matt for talking nice. Me too, if I did it.

Matt was in the bedroom so I could not go there and it was raining out the living-room window so not to the balcony either, it would be raining there too. I went to see if it was. In some countries ye got that, it was raining on one side of the road and ye could just cross over to the other pavement and ye were okay. But here if it was raining it was everywhere, just all the time. Maybe I could go to the bathroom. But if people wanted the toilet ye needed to let them in. So I just stayed and saw the boxing till my da said, Right Kieron. So bedtime. It was only quarter to ten so too soon but it was bedtime he was meaning so I had to go.