James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

It was because of granda in hospital. My maw was sad about it and us too. I was in bed and said it to Matt but he did not speak back.

***

I went to my grannie's by myself. I was glad. I liked it better. I got off the train and down to the river and just which way I wanted. The ferry was no in so I walked and ran along to the carferry. I just wanted to. It was a long long walk and all big lorries went on the road. The carferry took ye across and ye came out by the dumps. People were there and I did not go in, in case it was gangs.

Then ye were at my old park. If ye went the other way ye came to the hospital. I looked for old pals but never saw any, just wee boys fishing round the pond. Ye had to watch it for other ones. They did not know ye and thought ye were a stranger. I went to where ye got a game of football but nobody was there. So into the library. It was the same except a different woman. I was looking at the books. It was great seeing all them after the mobile. But I did not have my ticket and could not get any out. I read them at a table.

And then my grannie, I forgot. I asked the time and it was late. I rushed out and away up the street and up the stair and flapped the letterbox. But nobody. It was dark when I looked through. They were away to the hospital. I did not know what to do but then just I would go myself. Grannie and them would be there. Maybe I would beat them if I ran fast, if they were just walking. They would not go on the bus. I walked and ran. My grannie would not be angry. Oh but Auntie May, she just looked at ye and ye knew it was wrong, ye had just done something. And I had, it was my own fault.

I knew where to go in the hospital and ran along the path. No many people were there. Usually there were. Grannie and Auntie May visited all the time. They were feared for granda. They thought if he passed away. I knew it was that. People all were sad and just quiet all the time.

Oh but I was late. They waited for me and I did not come. Because I went on the ferry then in the park and the library. I had money for the subway but just spent it and frittered my time. That was what I done. The teacher checked me for it. Oh Kieron is a careless boy and just fritters his time. She said it to my maw, Oh if he just did his work, he is bright except he fritters. Oh you are a bright boy. My maw telled my da.

Oh but grannie would not mind. If I done stuff she just looked but not giving me a row. But coming late, if something happened to granda. Oh he had passed away. I was late to come and so it happened. I was doing stuff. I did not come and he went. I did not think about him. Just other stuff and all nonsense, Oh his head is full of nonsense, he is just a careless boy, if he just stopped his nonsense. I should not have done it, I just done it and was a stupid, stupid rotter.

My Auntie May was beside the outside door, smoking a fag. She waved to me. Oh Kieron, come here. She gave me a cuddle and said, Did ye go up to the house? Oh we had to leave early Yer grannie was saying ye were coming. Did Mrs Duncan tell ye? She was looking out for ye.

Oh I did not see her, I just ran up the stair.

Grannie says to her to tell ye. Sorry about that son we just came away fast. Auntie May took a draw of her fag and looked up at the sky. It was white clouds, white clouds. Yer mummy is in with Billy and yer da. Away in. Give me a kiss first, she said.

I did it and she said, Oh but now a real kiss.

So I gave another one. Oh when did ye last wash yer face? she said.

I did not know. But it was just for fun, she was laughing at me. She done it to Matt, now she was doing it to me. She had not done it much. Oh are you shaving yet?

I went along the corridor to the door into the ward. Matt was there with my da. My da waved. I went round behind. Nurses were at the desk and no looking at us. Uncle Billy came out and my da was talking to him. My da came now and put his hand on my shoulder. Go and see yer granda. He said to Uncle Billy, He will regret it if he does not. Oh Matt, you go in with Kieron.

Yes dad.

It was curtains round the bed and I was glad Matt was there. My maw just was looking at me, holding my grannie's hand. I stood down from granda's feet in the bed. His eyes opened a wee bit. I thought they did and he was smiling. Maybe he was. I was smiling at him. I knew about what it was, how come I was to see him, and my da telled me. If he was going to die, that was how, he was going to pass away That was what it was. That was them telling ye, that was the grown-ups, they did not say it but that was it and poor granda, I just felt that, poor granda, it was just a shame for him and the grown-ups did not tell ye. Poor granda. What if he did not know? I would just tell him. Ye saw the bumps in the bed where his feet were. He would pass away so ye would never see him again. He would go to Heaven because he was good. Ye went except if ye were evil.

If ye believed it. People did not. All white clothes and high voices singing and just smiling all the time. What about? How come everybody all was smiling? Matt said it to my maw. I heard but he did not know. My da was not there. Oh it was all stupid and just white garments, people all just wearing them. How come? And all just looking and, Oh oh, oh oh.

Matt was laughing but my maw said, Oh yes well maybe you will go to Hell for saying it.

Maybe I will, Matt said. Maybe I will. And it was Hell, he might go to Hell and he did not care. Oh my maw was not angry. But maybe she was. Oh but she just looked at him. Yes well Matthew maybe you will, maybe you will.

Oh I am very scared.

It is nothing to be sarcastic about, if it is people's beliefs.

I was sitting at the side of the settee and could not see his face, if he was laughing. His voice sounded it. But if it was to God. Ye could not be sarcastic to God because it was no fair if ye did. I did not like Matt saying about God, no about God. It was not fair, if God could not say nothing to him. He could not. God was fair, and a fair fighter. He would not be a bully or one that booted into ye when ye were down on the ground.

But He would give ye a good go. But He would always beat ye, He just won all His fights. If it was the Devil. That was the only one that could fight God but he always got beat. Was he God's brother and got cast out? Maybe he was. So then he was the wee brother but maybe he was Jesus's brother. He just stayed in the shadows and was not a fair fighter. He lurked below and took advantage. If it was a blade, would he carry one? But God would not, unless for self defence. Then He would.

Matt laughed but I hope it was not to God. If he was just laughing, and it was at God. It was not fair because God would not do anything to him. He could just say it, because God would not get angry and would just see ye and just wish ye would do it better and just be a better boy.

If ye could be one. Ye wished ye could. I wished it. Ye just could not. Except if God helped ye. People said He would oh if only ye ask, just pray and if ye ask it. Oh God help me.

I prayed that. I did not always but a lot of times I did. A lot of times I did not pray at all, ye were just asleep. Now I lay me down to sleep, and ye were, and ye did not wake up and ye just forgot, and then the next night ye thought about it, Oh did I say my prayers last night? Oh I forgot and then if ye said them twice. I done that and changed it for the second one. God bless my father and my mother and my brother and everybody and then I put on somebody like a teacher or a neighbour. One time I thought of doing Pat's grannie, just trying it, how it was if it was a RC, imagine ye prayed for a RC? But if it was just somebody's grannie. I did that.

God did not get angry at ye. But He could if He wanted. He could get ye. He could get Matt if He wanted. He just did not. Just because He did not. Because He did not want to. God was God. He was kind. People said He was not, how it was all diseases and babies dying and then if somebody was murdered, how come He let that happen and the cops did not catch the one that done it?