Howard Jacobson - Kalooki Nights

‘Asher and Dorothy?’

‘Yes — s-sssch — they met again. .’

‘Asher and Dorothy met again!’

‘Yes.’

‘And. .? And. .? And. .?’

But he couldn’t continue. His tears were back, a weeping of a sort I’d never seen before, more a saturation around his eyes than a shedding, almost an inundation from without, as though the tears were falling not from his eyes but into them.

2

They met again.

Which could have been something or could have been nothing. But if nothing, why the tears?

And if something, how big a something?

A week or so later, over an early-evening catch-up drink in Francine Bryson-Smith’s club — another overcrowded joint at the end of a disreputable West End lane — we discussed progress.

‘Well and not well,’ I said. ‘There was an upsetting morning recently when he saw Asher—’

‘Where?’ She was excited. Whatever the state of Asher’s heart, he had gone to ground, eluding even the appetence of Christopher Christmas’s researches. Dorothy the same. Apart or together, alive or dead, they had vanished. So any sighting of either of them was, to Francine, a promise of a storyline.

‘Oh, not in a real place. It was more Asher’s ghost — My brother, methinks I see my brother — which he actually beheld in the faces of a couple of beautiful children.’

I could see that she found it hard to associate any brother of Manny’s with the idea of beauty. She even wrinkled the tip of her nose, which I’d noticed when I kissed her was cold, like Chloë’s.

Angry women have cold noses — that is just something I happen to know.

‘How do you read that?’ she wondered.

‘I read it that he was upset.’

‘No, but did you get the impression he knew where his brother was?’

Plot. All anyone was interested in — fucking plot! Who cared where Asher was? How did Asher feel to Asher — that was the only story that interested me. How fractured was his heart? How many scorpions feasted on his mind? Could he still believe in a God who chastened him for his studies’ sake? And Manny, the tears that had appeared on Manny’s face like a flood rising from a multitudinous sea beneath — what did they denote?

Careful. If I wasn’t careful, plot hunger would be gnawing at my innards next. But it made a difference, suddenly, knowing that Asher and Dorothy had met again. I could see a sequence of events. That Asher’s doomed affair with Dorothy had been somehow instrumental in the turning of Manny’s mind, and thus instrumental at the last in the dooming of them all, I had always known. The whole community had known that. Thus do seemingly long-buried events wreak their havoc in the end. Oedipus Rex . But now effect appeared to be more intimately related to its cause. They met again and something happened. They met again, told Manny about it, said be happy for us, rejoice, our love is born again, and Manny in his happiness for them gassed the rest of the family. .

Why not? Hence Manny’s tears. He knew his actions had ruined Asher and Dorothy’s second chance?

But I wasn’t ready to spill any of this to Francine yet. Don’t ask me why. A feeling of propriety, I think. Propriety in both senses of the word. It wasn’t seemly to tell her. And it was my business, not hers.

‘He said nothing to suggest he knew anything of Asher’s whereabouts,’ I said, ‘but that could have been because I wasn’t thinking along those lines. I was struck by his tears. So far he hasn’t shown anything you could really call emotion, unless catatonic schizophrenia is an emotion—’

‘You think he’s schizophrenic?’

She looked worried, as though schizophrenia wasn’t a subject Lipsync Productions touched.

‘I don’t know. I just use these terms irresponsibly. They’re all poetically interchangeable to me. Scientifically I’ve no idea what he is. He barks, he twitches, he spits out broken letters, he stutters over the names of Nazis—’

‘Why do you think he does that?’

‘It might be like not pronouncing the name of God. Some names are too holy for language, some are too foul. That’s my guess. But all I meant was that he’s been dead-batting me and suddenly the sight of him in tears made me wonder if he was gearing himself up to talk candidly.’

She agitated the ice cubes in her drink. ‘And was he?’

What are you keeping from me, Maxie Glickman? What’s your little game?

‘Yes. Except that he seems to have jumped a stage since. He hasn’t told me anything about what he did. Only what they did to him for doing it.’

‘Well, we want that.’

‘Of course we do. My only worry is whether it means he’s blotted out the crime in favour of remembering the punishment.’

‘Maybe he’s one of those who have to come at things backwards.’

‘Are there such people?’

She threw me a ravishingly intelligent smile. Miss Margate, DLitt. ‘Aren’t you one?’

‘Me? Well, sideways perhaps, speaking as a cartoonist now. But I don’t know about backwards.’

She was still smiling. ‘Thought it was a trait,’ she said, then seeing I wasn’t up to speed, blew the thought away with a cuff of her hand. Blue-red fingernails, I noticed, even as I was wondering about the word ‘trait’. A trait of mine? A trait of cartoonists, a trait of my people’s ?

‘But anyway,’ she continued, ‘he’s talking?’

‘Yes. Beginning to. In fact I’m thinking of moving him into my place for a few weeks so as not to lose the flow.’

She ignored that, presumably afraid I was going to ask her to contribute to his keep. ‘And what he’s saying to you is interesting?’ she went on.

‘Well. . Incarceration stories have never grabbed me much, I have to say. The mind has always been prison enough for me. But yes, I’d say interesting. .’

‘Such as?’

She was bringing our drinks session to an end, signalling the waiter, scratching impatiently at the air with her blue-red fingernails. Which was also a sign to me to make my ‘such as’ briefer even than brief.

I felt rushed. ‘Such as’ — now I was scratching at air — ‘such as the metal missionary pot. .’

3

They slide a pot across the cell floor to him.

Eat, they say.

The pot is black, made of metal, the sort cannibals stew missionaries in. It contains potatoes and carrots in a watery gravy.

He eats.

After he has eaten from the pot he is told to defecate into it.

She has her coat on, we are in the street, and she is flagging down a taxi, so I can’t elaborate much on this.

When they next bring him food it is in a pot he recognises. The missionary pot. It has been emptied but it has not been cleaned.

Eat, they say.

She makes no comment until she is in the taxi. Then, giving me the glimmer, she says, ‘Did you ask him if the food was kosher?’

Ways of Saying Kosher When You’re Not Jewish — an idea I had once for a cartoon series. Needless to say, no takers. Surely that would need to be a verbal joke, if a joke at all, was the universal view. Not so. The inclination of the head important, the size of o the lips form, the knowing aftermath on the face, the movement of the hands, the invitation to collusion and of course the interrogative glimmer. A veritable challenge to the caricaturist and the historian. How would Luther have said the word kosher? How would Haman? How would Hitler?

I can’t say I held out much hope for a positive response from the New Yorker , but I’m still at a loss to understand why Private Eye or the New Statesman didn’t bite.

4

They slide a pot across the cell floor to him, towards his bed.

Eat, they say. No other word. It isn’t an order. It is barely a suggestion. It’s just a sound. He can eat or not. The decision is his. It’s his stomach.