Bernadette Azizi - Undying

“Please… I need to know…”

“Well… yes! But that was purely coincidental.”

James took a step back and started to button up his shirt.

“Tell me, am I going crazy or is there something else going on?”

“You’re not crazy. What’s crazy is me allowing you to be going through this!”

“Go through what James? Today had nothing to do with you.”

“Catherine, I’m sorry, I have to go.”

“It is not what I want to do, I just have to. I need to figure this out. I need to speak to…” James stopped mid-sentence, obviously not wanting to let me know who he needed to speak with. He looked at me again, with the most loving eyes. “I’m sorry.” And then left.

I just stood there, confused. On the one hand I was unbelievably happy that we kissed and on the other hand I wondered if that would be the last time.

Who could James possibly need to speak with about us? Who would he tell?

I spent a good while trying to work it all out in my head. It was useless. I needed a distraction, so decided to continue on with Victoria .

Hayworth House seemed every bit as magnificent as I had imagined. I scouted promptly for Jonathon, but from what I could see, he had not arrived. On my scouting I discovered my parents, whose attention I caught immediately. My father was happy that I had made an effort to come, whilst my mother seemed somewhat anxious at how I would conduct myself with Charles Barton .

“Victoria, there you are! Are you well? Why have I not seen you?” Charles rambled from the base of the stairs with his irritating tone .

I could not be certain if I had responded to his question or had given a gesture of recognition to his presence. How could I? My eyes were now solely fixed on Jonathon. He stood further away from the bottom of the stairs with a grin of confidence only he could bear. Why would a man so superior in every way imaginable, be connected with Charles Barton? This thought sadly brought back to my attention that we were not alone. I now stood amid the two men, facing the only one that I desired .

“Victoria, may I have the first dance,” Jonathon asked, already knowing the answer to his question .

“NO!” interrupted Charles, “she will dance with me, and only me!”

The tone in his voice frightened me and I immediately walked towards Jonathon, who already was moving towards Charles, angry. Jonathon placed his hand on my arm lightly and smiled a comforting smile, reassuring me, before continuing towards Charles. I was not sure of the exchange of words, but I was certain they were unpleasant. Charles then looked at me in disgust and walked away, while Jonathon leisurely turned and returned to me .

I shook my head, uncertain of what had just taken place .

“I do not understand that man,” I whispered to Jonathon .

“I do not think he understands himself either.”

“Jonathon, please — make me understand. What do you and Charles have in common precisely?”

“Nothing,” he replied, frustrated .

“I am confused” I said, aware now of the audience that we had attracted .

Jonathon looked around, also alert to the unwelcomed crowd. He immediately directed me onto the balcony .

His gentle touch on my arm was glorious. Once alone, he explained .

“Victoria, Charles Barton is not and never will be my friend. His older brother, Mark…was.” Jonathon eyes were now full of sadness .

“Mark fell ill last winter, and being clearly aware of his brothers unpleasing character, he made me swear to keep an eye on him. To replace Mark as brother figure in a manner of speaking. I feel accountable that a request from my dearest friend, a dying wish, is now impossible to keep. It seems both Charles and I have fallen deeply for you,” he confessed .

“Jonathon,” I whispered, not believing what I was hearing .

“You will be mine for eternity and I will never leave your side. I will love you until the end of time Victoria. Marry me?

My writing was interrupted by footsteps outside my door.

“Knock, knock!” Jules’s voice sang from my door.

“Come in…” I yelled, packing my laptop away.

“I just could not get back any earlier to see you. And I might add, neither could Mr Kemp. Well not to see you though, just to get back. And I suppose just as well because Mr Barclay was waiting for him…”

“What?” I interrupted Jules mid-sentence.

“ What , what?” replied Jules, puzzled.

“James and Mr Kemp?”

“Yes, Mr Barclay was waiting out front, and I must say, he looked quite uneasy. He grabbed Mr Kemp and wanted to speak with him in his office right away. Why this late at night I wonder? How strange! Oh well, how are you feeling, dear?”

“I’m fine, just tired,” I explained, trying to hold back my real emotions, in shock about what I had just been told.

Mr Kemp was the person James needed to talk to? That can’t be right…

“Oh yes, of course, my apologies. I will let you sleep. Oh, I almost forgot. Tomorrow I have to go to London for a cousin’s birthday lunch. Would you like to join me? It will be absolutely fine and I would love your company there. And I would feel a lot better knowing that you’re not on your own.”

“Thanks Jules, but really I am fine. I’m thinking about going into the village, seeing as I missed out this evening. And I could do with a scenery change. You go and have a wonderful time. I promise I will be fine here,” I said, trying to convince her.

Jules just nodded with a smile and left my room. She was so sweet and caring. I wish I could tell her what’s just happened, I would have liked to talk to someone right now, but there was no one. Annie had said she would make contact with me when she could, so I just had to wait.

James and Mr Kemp? What could they possibly be talking about now? Could James be getting advice from him? But he can’t! Mr Kemp hates me. His advice will be so obvious, so one sided. He wants me to leave the college! There’s no way he would say anything nice about me to James .

So many things were racing through my mind and I just didn’t know what to think anymore. It was all too hard. I changed my clothes and went to bed, deciding to figure it out tomorrow.

When morning broke, I had to drag myself out of bed. My head was heavy and my body felt drained. I looked in the mirror. My eyes were sore and puffy, reflecting how I felt. Strangely, since arriving at the college, I hadn’t remembered many dreams, which was unusual. I was kind of counting on this trip to inspire me to write more.

I felt confused and insecure about James and I. You would think after what happened with us I would be over the moon, but the way he left the room and then sought advice from Mr Kemp had left me feeling that unsure of where we stood. I felt a real need to clear my head before I next saw James or Mr Kemp for that matter, so I decided to get ready and make my way to the village and spend most of the day away from everyone.

When I was done getting ready I had a look in the mirror and was taken aback by the way I appeared. I felt I didn’t look like my usual self for some reason, but I suppose I didn’t feel myself either. I grabbed my handbag and added a few other items — gloves, a matching scarf and a small umbrella. I then called a cab, which promised to arrive in ten minutes, sprayed on some perfume and made my way out.