Bernadette Azizi - Undying

“Catherine…Catherine…”

“Hmmm,” I groaned.

“Catherine… Open your eyes!”

“No…”

“Catherine…?”

I finally opened my eyes and there was James, crouching over me, pale as a ghost.

“She’s awake. Oh, thank God you’re awake,” said Jules who was now over me too. She smelt so nice.

“See, like I said. She will be fine,” Dr Simons hesitantly added. He also smelt good.

I sat up and looked around for James who was now standing furthest away from me, looking away.

“What’s wrong?” I looked to Jules for an answer, but she didn’t know what to say.

“What is it? Why are you all in my room?” This time I looked at Dr Simons.

“Do you not remember?” he asked with a concerned look on his face.

“Remember what?”

“Today? Do you know what day it is today? And what you did?”

“What? Of course, today is… Saturday, and we are going to dinner tonight. Um… I… was… with the horses. My head… That’s right, my head was hurting. And I…” I muttered, knowing that what I had just said was completely incoherent.

“That will do,” James said from across the room, “let her rest now.” His voice was drained.

He then opened the door, signalling Dr Simons to leave.

“Jules, how did I get here? I don’t remember!”

Jules came closer to me.

“Catherine, I came to get you for dinner. But you didn’t answer your door. I got worried so I looked for you, but couldn’t find you. I went to Mr Barclay…”

Jules paused and looked back at James, who was now thanking Dr Simons.

“Mr Barclay and I went looking for you. We had been searching the grounds for over an hour, and when he found you, he carried you back here on his own.”

“Miss Kent,” James interrupted, “you should be getting ready to leave. We don’t want Mr Kemp to start a fuss about you all being late.”

“What? I don’t understand!” I said, looking to Jules for some answers.

“Catherine, it’s just past 7 o’clock and Mr Kemp is supposed to be meeting us in the village for dinner this evening. As much as I hate to abandon you, if we don’t go this evening, Mr Kemp will be furious. Mr Barclay was quite clear that Mr Kemp must not know about this. I don’t understand why, but he suggested that we tell Mr Kemp that you weren’t feeling well. So it’s just the three of us. I really don’t want to leave you, but I have no choice.”

Jules got up and left with Dr Simons. When they finally left, James closed the door and locked it. He paused for a while with his back to me. I felt awful for what I had put him through. I hated myself for it. I wanted to say something but the words wouldn’t come. I felt useless. The room was silent for a few more minutes. James then turned and made his way to me slowly with his head hanging low and his hands in his pockets.

“James, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean for this to happen. I don’t understand what is happening to me. It doesn’t make any sense. Something happened at the stables, I was terrified. I heard voices, but no one was there… I have heard it before… but I can’t… I can’t remember when or where, but I know I have. So many strange things have been happening, and I don’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore.”

“I hate myself for causing so much drama for you; I don’t know what I am doing wrong, I should leave… I’ll just go back.”

I felt sick at the thought of never seeing him again and for even suggesting leaving, I seemed to be always making a bad situation worse these days. Disappointed with myself, I placed my hands over my face and took a deep breath hoping that pressing down on my eyes would stop me from crying.

I didn’t realise how cold my hands were until his warm hands were touching mine. He grabbed them both and gently pulled them away from my face. How can something so amazing feel so terrifying? I kept my focus on my hands, petrified to look up at him.

My heart was now racing, and my breathing was slow and deep. I watched as my hands were slowly pulled away from me. And as my hands reached his chest he held on to them tighter.

“I can’t let you go,” he finally spoke. “Today… can never be repeated. The thought of not finding you safe tore my heart apart. You mean a great deal to me. You have to know that… I have strong feelings for you.”

He then placed one of his arms around me and brought me close to him. I bit my bottom lip trying to contain my joy, but that was impossible: I had never felt so alive and happy. And I wanted him to see how OK I was with this.

He looked into my eyes with an expression of relief and smiled.

“What were you thinking, inviting Mr Kemp for dinner tonight?” he said, looking at me directly.

“Oh that… um… trying to call a truce,” I answered.

“You cannot be left alone with him. He has no intentions of befriending you.”

“You are so beautiful,” he then said shyly. He looked down at me. “You know I have been dreaming of you for as long as I can remember, waiting patiently for you to be here. Now you’re in arm’s reach and I am struggling to resist you.”

“Why are you trying to resist me,” I asked confused.

“It is complicated.”

I didn’t understand what he was trying to say. Just him standing close to me was almost too much to handle. I wish he would just kiss me.

So many things were running through my mind, I didn’t know what to say or do. My heart felt like I had been in love with him all my life, but I know that it’s just been days. I didn’t want to ruin anything but I wanted him so much.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“About today… I was thinking about you just before it happened you know, and I screamed your name out several times. But the more I did, the louder the other voice inside my head became. I just wanted you there…” I said, not believing I just told him that.

James’s smile disappeared and his face became sombre.

“James… What is it? Did I say something to upset you? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” I was embarrassed now with what I had just admitted.

There was silence.

Suddenly there was chatter outside my door.

James immediately became rigid and quiet. He turned his head towards his door in a defensive manner while his hands were still holding on to me. I was on a rush, and the thrill was too hard to contain, knowing that James will not resist for fear of being heard, I grabbed onto his shirt with both hands and pulled his chest back towards me. I leapt towards his lips, closed my eyes, and kissed him… hoping he would kiss me back.

And he did, with more passion and intensity than I could have ever hoped. His touch was honest and tender. I was now completely his.

He grabbed my blazer from my neck and slid it off me. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. He pushed me backwards until my back was against the wall. One of his hands was on the wall to support his body, the other was on my back, under my blouse, touching and caressing my skin — his touch gave me a shiver. I threw both my hands around his neck loosely, before letting them fall down to his chest. I started to unbutton his shirt. When I got to the last button, I opened his shirt wide, placing both my hands back on his skin and slowly making my way up his chest. His body was incredible and his smell was so alluring. He started kissing and caressing my neck, before suddenly stopping and stepping away. He began to shake his head from side to side.

“I don’t think this is a good idea right now,” he announced breathlessly.

“Tell me again — you said when you called out to me the pain got worse?”

“What?” I didn’t understand why he was thinking about that right now.