Barbara Angelis - Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know

9 You often defend or make excuses, to yourself or others, for your partner’s behavior or your life situation.

10 You often feel angry at yourself for acting like a “wimp” around a man, but even though you vow never to do it again, you continue to allow yourself to be treated less lovingly than you deserve.

Now, total up your points.

80–100 points: Congratulations! You own your power around the men in your life, and usually don’t sacrifice who you are in order to be loved. To avoid future problems, work on those areas in which you had a lower score.

60–79 points: You’re not a full-blown Love Martyr, but you are giving up your power too often in certain areas of your relationships with men. Notice how you are letting fear of loss or disapproval keep you from asking for what you deserve from your partner. Work on loving yourself more and compromising less.

40–59 points: WARNING! Whether you want to admit it or not, you are a wimp when it comes to your relationships with men. You allow yourself to be treated badly, and don’t stick up for yourself. You’re such an expert at sacrificing for love that you’ve forgotten how it feels to be relaxed around a man. Follow the instructions in this chapter carefully, and start giving yourself some of the love you give so easily to men.

0–39 points: EMERGENCY! YOU’RE A PROFESSIONAL LOVE MARTYR. You probably have little or no self-respect left, considering how terribly you’re treated by the men in your life. Don’t expect to be loved until you start loving yourself. It’s time to get off the floor and act like a woman, and not a doormat! You need to take action NOW! Use the suggestions in this book, seek some personal counseling for extra support, stop sacrificing and start living with dignity again.

All of these warning signs add up to the same thing: not maintaining your dignity as a woman. That means:

Allowing yourself to be treated in ways you wouldn’t want your daughter to be treated by a man.

Not sticking up for yourself when you know you should.

Living in fear of criticism or disapproval from your partner.

Settling for less than the amount of love and caring you know you deserve.

EACH TIME YOU GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY TO A MAN BY ALLOWING HIM TO TREAT YOU DISRESPECTFULLY OR UNLOVINGLY, YOU LOSE RESPECT AND LOVE FOR YOURSELF

This creates what I call a Negative Self-Esteem Cycle. Here’s how it works: You allow a man to get away with mistreating you – maybe he calls you names, or refuses to comfort you when you’re upset, or acts like an angry child when you try to talk about the relationship, or is insensitive to your feelings in some way. You don’t stick up for yourself, and this results in your feeling upset, depressed, and bad about yourself. When you feel bad about yourself, your self-confidence decreases. And when your self-confidence is low, the next time that man mistreats you, you will have even less courage to stand up for yourself, and the cycle repeats itself over and over.

The Negative Self-Esteem Cycle

There is only one way to break this endless cycle: Stand up for yourself and maintain your dignity; do not allow yourself to be treated with less love and respect than you know you deserve. When you do this, you feel good about yourself, and in turn, your self-confidence increases. The next time you aren’t treated well, you will own your power rather than giving it away.

Have you ever bought a new car, driven it for the first time, and suddenly realized how difficult your old car was to drive?

Have you ever moved from one apartment or home to another, more spacious one, and suddenly realized how cramped your old place was?

Have you ever put on a new, comfortable pair of shoes and suddenly realized how uncomfortable the old pair was?

Whether you know it or not, you may be giving your power away to men and allowing yourself to be treated poorly in relationships because you are used to being treated that way As human beings we tend to become comfortable where we are, and often don’t realize the shortcomings of our situation until we are in a new one. All at once, we feel the contrast between the two pairs of shoes, or apartments, or cars, or relationships, and then we can admit to ourselves that we were uncomfortable before.

AS WOMEN WE ARE SO ACCUSTOMED TO NOT

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