Barbara Angelis - Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know

Do you pride yourself on your ability to “bring out the best in a man”?

Have you ever told yourself that, with “a little time and work,” the man you love will become just what you want him to be?

Have you ever felt that the reason your man hasn’t become as successful as he wants to be is that he hasn’t had anyone to “really love and support him” – that is, until you came along?

I don’t know about you, but these questions look painfully familiar to me. Until recently, I made a profession out of Mistake #3 – falling in love with a man’s potential. I was an expert at finding men in need, and focusing much of my time and energy on “helping” them, “fixing” them. Sometimes my efforts were successful, and the man would become successful. Sometimes my efforts failed. But every time, the same thing occurred in my life: I got to avoid my own career, my own dreams by attempting to rescue someone else.

For as long as I can remember, I’d always chosen men who needed fixing in a particular area of their life. Some needed to be emotionally opened up. Some needed to heal the pain of a difficult childhood. Some needed to stop procrastinating, get organized, and use their talents to make money. Some needed to improve their speaking ability or writing skills, or learn how to dress correctly, or how to be an attentive lover. So, I would come to the rescue. I would offer them direction and advice to sort out their confusion. I would give them my love, my money, my energy, and my advice. My friends and family would express their disapproval and tell me I was wasting my time, but that didn’t stop me. And even if the men didn’t seem to be improving, or didn’t appear to want my help, I wouldn’t give up. After all, I’d made a commitment.

Looking back, I realize that each time, I wasn’t really in a relationship – I was working on a project. And I wasn’t involved with a man – I was dedicated to a cause.

I WASN’T IN LOVE WITH THE MAN AS HE ACTUALLY WAS – I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIS POTENTIAL

After many years of frustration, heartache, and disappointment, I woke up one day and realized that I was in my early thirties, and still hadn’t accomplished my own career goals.

That’s when I said to myself, “Barbara, if you’d put even half the amount of energy, creativity, and commitment into your own goals and your own life that you’ve put into helping men unfold their potential, there’s no telling how successful and fulfilled you could become? “And that’s what I did, and you’re experiencing part of the result right now as you read this book.

1. We go on “emotional rescue missions,” finding men who aren’t willing to help themselves, and attempt to “save” them.

Allison, a 32-year-old real-estate salesperson, came to me for career counseling. The more we talked, the more apparent it became that her problem wasn’t with her real-estate job, but with her other full-time “job” – taking care of Harry. Allison had been living with Harry, a 37-year-old actor, for three years. “I love Harry so much,” she explained. “He had a really rough childhood, and a first marriage that was just awful, so when I met him, he was very insecure and abusive to himself. He’s a good actor, he really is, but he’s had a hard time finding work. He used to do a lot of cocaine and smoke cigarettes. I got him to stop, so that’s been good. Now I’m working with him on setting well-defined goals and sticking to a schedule. I’m sure you probably think I’m crazy for being with him, but I just know that he could be really successful, I can feel it.”

Allison believed in Harry more than he believed in himself. She loved the potential in him, not the man he was living as from day to day. In some part of Allison’s mind, she’d decided that she would be successful when Harry got his life together. So no matter how well she did in her own career, she felt like a failure as long as Harry wasn’t progressing according to her plan.

2. We find men who don’t love us or treat us well, and hold out for the piece we aren’t getting that we know is in there.

Erika, 45, was a perfect example of a woman making Mistake #3. She’d been married to Arnold for nineteen years, and had never been happy for all that time. “I not only fell in love with Arnold’s potential,” she admitted tearfully, “I married it! Arnold has never been a very loving, giving person. He’s emotionally closed off and very critical. But inside of him, there is this sweet, frightened little boy who comes out once in a while and who just wants to be loved. When we were dating, I’d see glimpses of that part of him, and just melt. I remember the night he proposed to me, he broke down and cried for the first time since I’d known him. I realized that he had problems, but I figured, If I just love him enough, he will open up.’ My parents disapproved of the marriage, but I told them they didn’t know Arnold like I did.

“Well, nineteen years and three kids later, Arnold hasn’t changed a bit. I’ve spent most of our marriage feeling unloved and unappreciated, and I can’t take it anymore. I still love him, and I still see that beautiful part inside of him, but I’m finally facing the fact that he just isn’t going to change. I know I’m making the right decision in leaving him, but somehow I feel if only I’d loved him more or helped him more, maybe he would have opened up.”

Erika spent her life longing for that piece of Arnold he was withholding, rather than telling herself the truth about what he was really willing to give her in the relationship, I know just how Erika felt, because I did exactly that in one of my own relationships. I spent several years with someone I loved very much, who not only wasn’t living his own potential, but wasn’t giving me that last piece of his heart, that last 10 percent of emotional surrender and commitment. And like Erika, I set myself up for failure by thinking:

IF I LOVE HIM ENOUGH, HE WILL CHANGE

The truth is, if a man loves himself enough, he will change!

Women who fall in love with a man’s potential often don’t feel good about themselves and think they need to perform in order to be loved by someone else. We choose men who are emotionally challenging and then set out to love them in spite of who they are. Then we get to say, “Look how loving, patient, tolerant, and compassionate I am. I must be lovable, right?”

I finally learned that:

HAVING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN MEANS LOVING HIM FOR WHO HE IS NOW , AND NOT LOVING HIM IN SPITE OF WHO HE IS TODAY, OR IN HOPES OF WHO HE WILL BE TOMORROW

We get to avoid taking care of our own lives and facing our own destinies by deciding that we are responsible for helping someone else.

We get to feel good about ourselves by demonstrating how helpful, loving, and patient we are.

We get to feel like a failure and punish ourselves for not being perfect when our man doesn’t turn out the way we thought he would.

Women love to take things and make them better! We love doing makeovers on houses, people’s hair, or whatever! It’s an expression of that urge to create that is so natural to us. It’s hard for a woman to resist improving on something.