Barbara Angelis - The Real Rules - How to Find the Right Man for the Real You

Cover

Title Page The REAL RULES HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE REAL YOU Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.

Foreword

Part 1 THE REAL RULES: WHAT THEY ARE AND WHY YOU NEED THEM

What Are The Real Rules?

How to Stop Sabotaging Your Love Life With the Old Rules

Part 2 THE REAL RULES FOR FINDING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP

REAL RULE #1: Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You

REAL RULE #2: Remember That Men Need as Much Love and Reassurance as You Do

REAL RULE #3: Stay Away From Men Who Don’t Like The Real Rules

REAL RULE #4: Don’t Play Games

REAL RULE #5: Be Yourself

REAL RULE #6: If You Like Someone, Let Him Know

REAL RULE #7: Ask Questions Before You Get Too Involved

REAL RULE #8: Don’t Date Men Who Aren’t Completely Available

REAL RULE #9: Look for a Man With Good Character

REAL RULE #10: Pay Attention to Warning Signs of Possible Problems

REAL RULE #11: Judge a Man by the Size of His Heart, Not by the Size of His Wallet

REAL RULE #12: Be Fair: Don’t Practice Double Standards

REAL RULE #13: Don’t Fall in Love With a Man’s Potential

Part 3 THE REAL RULES FOR COMMUNICATING WITH MEN

REAL RULE #14: Be Honest About Your Feelings

REAL RULE #15: Show Your Most Attractive Feature—Your Mind

REAL RULE #16: Be Emotionally Generous, Not Emotionally Stingy

Part 4 THE REAL RULES ABOUT SEX

REAL RULE #17: Wait Until You Are Emotionally Intimate Before Becoming Sexually Intimate

REAL RULE #18: Don’t Lower Yourself to Behaving Like a Sex Object

REAL RULE #19: Apply The Real Rules in Bed

Part 5 THE REAL RULES ABOUT GETTING A MAN TO MAKE A COMMITMENT

REAL RULE #20: Make Sure Your Relationship Goes Through the Four Stages of Commitment

REAL RULE #21: Emotional Commitments Are More Valuable Than an Engagement Ring

REAL RULE #22: Never Pressure a Man Into Making a Commitment

Part 6 HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH THE REAL RULES

REAL RULE #23: Be Patient as You Switch From the Old Rules to the Real Rules

REAL RULE #24: Protect Yourself With Your Head, Not Your Heart

REAL RULE #25: Use The Real Rules With Everyone in Your Life

THE REAL RULES FOR LIFE

Conclusion

About the Author

Also by the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

Let me tell you the story of how I decided to write The Real Rules:

One day in the fall of 1996, I was having lunch with several female friends. As we started on our salads, one of the women asked: “So Barbara, what do you think of that book everyone’s talking about— The Rules? ” Now, I’d heard about this book which supposedly tells women how to get a man to marry them, but hadn’t actually seen it, so I answered frankly, “I haven’t read it.”

“You haven’t?” She reached into her purse and handed me a small paperback. “Here—someone in my office just gave me this as a joke. You aren’t going to believe this book!”

Now I was intrigued. Naturally, over the years, as a leading authority on relationships, I’ve always been asked my opinion about other books on love, but even when I’ve disagreed with the author’s thinking, I have never publicly criticized what I’ve read—that’s just not my style. And so I was completely unprepared for what happened next.

I looked at the book: The Rules. The cover looked harmless enough. Then, I opened the book and began to read—one piece of bad, recycled, antiquated advice after another—the kind of advice my grandmother gave my mother at the same time that she informed her she could get pregnant from kissing a man. At first, I thought that I’d misunderstood, that maybe this was one of those comic takeoffs on self-help books. Then, to my horror, as each chapter got progressively worse, I realized that this wasn’t a joke— this was supposed to be serious!

I could hardly believe what I was reading:

“… the man must take the lead …”

“… be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike …”

“… don’t say much, let him do all the thinking, the talking …”

“… he runs the show …”

“… if you don’t get jewelry … you might as well call it quits …”

“… try wearing tight jeans, a miniskirt, or a deep V-necked shirt …”

“… if you have a bad nose, get a nose job.”

“… overweight is not The Rules …”

These weren’t the rules for happiness—they were the rules for messing up your love life and behaving like the worst stereotype of a superficial, submissive woman!!

What I’m talking about goes way beyond any current book—it goes back centuries. They are the very ideas that caused millions of women (including me) to get into bad relationships with men they shouldn’t have even dated in the first place; the very ideas that had trapped so many women into love-starved, meaningless marriages they were afraid to leave; the very ideas that had created whole generations of women with low self-esteem; the very ideas from which I and so many other successful and happy women had spent our whole lives working hard to break free.

I thought about all the unsuspecting women who were desperately putting The Rules into practice, not realizing the price they were eventually going to pay for compromising their honesty, integrity, and self-respect in order to trap a man.

I thought about all the teenage girls reading this junk, believing it was the truth, and getting their first boyfriend by playing games, showing their cleavage, and keeping their mouths shut.

I thought of the inevitable backlash from men who would hear about The Rules and conclude, “I was right—women are just controlling, manipulative bitches.”

Suddenly, I realized that the book I was holding in my hand wasn’t merely amusing, silly, or just incredibly stupid—it was wrong. It went against everything I’ve taught for the past twenty years, and everything I know to be healthy in relationships.

That’s when I knew I had to write The Real Rules .…

I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever had her heart broken by falling in love with a man who wasn’t good for her.

I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever believed she needs to become a man’s perfect-bodied, plastic fantasy in order to get his love.

I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever been afraid to share her real feelings, desires, or concerns with a man for fear that he’ll tell her she’s too “needy and demanding.”

I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever been so afraid of losing a man that she sacrificed her opinions, her values, and her self-respect.

I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who has ever lost herself so deeply in trying to please a man that she doesn’t know who she is anymore.

I dedicate The Real Rules to every mother who doesn’t want her daughter to make the same mistakes in love that she did, and every daughter who doesn’t want to end up like her mother.