Barbara Angelis - The Real Rules - How to Find the Right Man for the Real You

I dedicate The Real Rules to every woman who dreams of having a relationship with a real man based on real equality—no games, no power struggles, just a loving, intimate, mutually respectful partnership.

And I dedicate The Real Rules to every real man out there who wants a real woman —a woman you can trust and respect who has an honest mind and a loving heart.

I offer this with love, from me to you.

The Real Truth.

The Real Rules …

Barbara De Angelis

When I was a little girl, I believed that the happiest day of my life would be my wedding day. Even though I knew nothing about relationships, I already understood that the day I married the man of my dreams would signify a great accomplishment in my life, as it did in the life of all women—the day I officially captured a man. No one ever actually used the word “capture” in referring to my search for a mate. Yet the message from my family and from society was clear: I was supposed to “find” myself a husband, “get” a man,” “catch” a guy.

It was also clear that in the grown-up world, women who hadn’t “gotten” a man, and, even worse, had never “gotten” married, were to be pitied, like the weak animals in a herd who just couldn’t catch any prey. I’d hear my relatives whisper, “So and so’s daughter is thirty-two, and she’s not married. Poor thing. I wonder what’s wrong with her …”

And so like millions of women throughout history, I got the message: my value as a woman lay in my ability to “get” a man. Somehow, if I didn’t get a man, I would be less of a woman. And if I was lucky enough to get a man with a prestigious job or money or both, then I would be a real winner.

It should come as no surprise, then, that by the time I was seventeen years old, my main goal in life was to be in a relationship with a guy. Looking back, I realize that it didn’t actually matter who he was, as long as I was going steady. Did I ever ask myself if I was really happy? Did I ask myself if he respected me and supported my goals? Did I ask myself if he was everything I was looking for in a boyfriend? Of course not. I just wanted to be part of a couple. I was less concerned with who I was with, than the fact that I was with someone.

Eventually, I went off to college, and this pattern continued. Someone would indicate that he liked me, would chase after me a bit, and I’d get into a relationship with him. (When I recall some of the guys I was involved with, I shudder … you know the feeling, right!!?) Naturally, these relationships never worked. How could they? My goal was the acquisition of a man, not the creation of a really good relationship. I was so busy trying to GET the guy that I never asked myself if I really wanted to be with who I ended up with.

Finally, when I was twenty-one, the big moment arrived. A young man asked me to marry him. Never mind that I wasn’t really in love with him; never mind that I hardly knew anything about him; never mind that we were totally incompatible. This was what I’d been waiting for—a proposal, and so of course, I said “yes.” At last—I’d be Mrs. Barbara Somebody! I’d done it … I’d gotten a man!!

You can imagine, then, my heartbreak when, after five brief but nightmarish months, I found myself getting the marriage annulled. “How could this have happened?” I asked myself in disbelief. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be married.”

It took me many years and several other painful relationships to figure out the answer:

My heart was broken because I’d been following

THE OLD RULE.

What was THE OLD RULE that had broken my heart? It was the unspoken but powerful message behind everything my family had taught me, behind everything I’d observed about society’s treatment of women.

THE OLD RULE WAS:

THE GOAL OF A WOMAN’S LIFE IS TO FIND A MAN AND GET MARRIED.

I’d followed THE OLD RULE, and I’d gotten a man. The problem was, I had wanted to be married, more than I wanted to be married to the right person. As I said earlier: the goal of a woman who follows THE OLD RULE is the acquisition of a man, not the creation of a healthy loving relationship.

This is what happens when you follow THE OLD RULE to get a man. You focus your energy and your awareness on the getting part of the process as opposed to focusing it on whom you’re getting. And one day, you wake up and realize you’re in a relationship that’s not at all what you want with someone who’s not at all whom you want.

Like millions of women before me and millions of women after me who followed THE OLD RULE and ended up in the wrong relationship, I’d been so concerned about getting someone to love me that I’d never taken the time to really ask myself if I loved him. I’d been so concerned about getting a commitment from him that I’d never asked myself if he was the kind of man I wanted to commit to. I’d been so concerned about getting him to think that I was everything he wanted that I’d never asked myself if he was everything I wanted.

It took me until my mid-thirties to realize that I had been unconsciously sabotaging my love life by following THE OLD RULE. And it was only when I stopped practicing this old rule, and applied THE REAL RULES that are in this book, that I finally found the right man, created the healthy relationship I’d always wanted, and got married—this time, for the right reasons …

Where did THE OLD RULE that has dominated so many women’s lives come from? It developed based on thousands of years of history during which women had no equal rights or opportunities, no jobs or ability to earn our own income, and truly needed a man, any man, for our physical survival. We didn’t have a choice—we either got married to whomever would have us, or entered a convent. (Having our own apartment with a friend was not an option …)

Lots of things made sense centuries ago that don’t make sense now—using a horse for transportation; cooking your meals over a fire; abstaining from sex because you didn’t want to have any more children. Now you have other choices that make life a lot easier, and much more enjoyable. That’s called progress. The OLD RULE and all the “sub-rules” that stem from it, made sense thousands of years ago, maybe even a hundred years ago. But they don’t make sense now.

Whether you recently read about this outdated thinking in a book, heard or still hear it from family members or girlfriends, or just realize, like I did, that it’s been unconsciously running and ruining your love life, one thing is true: As a woman on the threshold of the twenty-first century, you have other choices. And that’s what THE REAL RULES are about.

THE REAL RULES are positive principles about love and relationships that will take you into a more powerful, more fulfilled future, rather than trapping you in a limited past.

THE REAL RULES aren’t about trying to be what a man wants so he’ll marry you. Instead, THE REAL RULES are about becoming who you really are as a woman, and finding a man who loves you because of it.

THE REAL RULES won’t just teach you how to get a man—they’ll teach you how to get the right man.

Most importantly, THE REAL RULES are NOT based on the negative principle of FEAR—fear of being alone, fear of being unattractive, fear of a man becoming bored with you if you’re not “mysterious,” fear of making one wrong move or saying one wrong thing and “blowing” a whole relationship. When your behavior or choices are motivated by fear, you’re never acting from your most powerful self.