Barbara Angelis - Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know

Here are some warning signs to watch out for that may indicate you are making Mistake #3:

Telling yourself that your man just needs a little more time to get himself and his life together, and doing this every few months.

Telling yourself that no one has ever really loved your man enough, and that you will be the one to love him enough to change him.

Feeling that everyone else misunderstands your man and that only you know the “real” person inside of him – “You don’t know him like I do.”

Making excuses to your friends and family about why your man either isn’t treating you well or isn’t doing well himself.

Feeling that you can’t give up on this man and leave him, because it will just validate his feelings of worthlessness, and then he’ll never change.

Convincing yourself that, even though your man doesn’t give you that piece of himself and his heart, what he does give you makes it worth staying in the relationship.

As a recovering “rescue-holic,” let me give you some suggestions for healing yourself of this painful pattern.

1. Focus your creative energies on your own life and career first, rather than on your man’s.Make a list of your dreams and goals, and a concrete plan for attaining them. Stick to your own schedule, and beware of getting sidetracked. This means that if you plan to attend a networking meeting that can help you get more clients for your business, but your boyfriend needs help fixing up his apartment, go to your meeting! Know what you want in life before you even get involved in a new relationship, so that your agenda comes first.

2. Make a list: “The things I’m avoiding in my life by rescuing men.”Often you won’t be aware of how many of your own emotions or challenges you are avoiding by rescuing men. Making a list will help focus your attention on these hidden areas.

3. Find a man who wants to take responsibility for fixing himself, so that you don’t have to do the work for him.There’s nothing wrong with supporting the man you love in his personal growth and helping him make the changes he wants to make. When two people really love one another, both of them help bring out the hidden potential in the other. But it’s important that you work as a team – that your man is as committed to working on himself as you are.

I suggest that, in the beginning of a relationship, you ask a man what his personal goals are, and how he plans to achieve them. You might find out that even though you want him to become more emotional or expressive, he has no interest in developing that way. Then you’d know he’s not for you. If he does claim he wants to grow in the same ways you’d like to see him grow, give him some time, love, and support, and evaluate him in a few months. If you haven’t seen progress or change, discuss this with him, and find out why nothing has happened. Remember: Actions speak louder than words.

Do you have a bad habit of putting yourself down in front of the man you love?

Do you have a difficult time receiving compliments and praise?

Do you possess talents and abilities your partner isn’t even aware of?

Most women are so good at making Mistake #4 that they don’t even know it. We cover up our intelligence, accomplishments, clarity, and abilities in order to avoid threatening the man in our life and to make him feel better about himself. We do this in several ways.

1. We talk about ourselves in derogatory terms, putting ourselves down for the slightest mistake, and therefore appearing not to like ourselves very much.

“I can’t believe how stupid I was to forget about your business meeting tonight. Sometimes I just can’t seem to remember anything.”

“My boss said he was happy with my report, but I don’t think I did a very good job. I got kind of confused about the financial projections and didn’t really know what I was talking about.”

“I’m so upset about how fat I am getting. Would you look at this cellulite?”

2. We argue with men when they attempt to pay us a compliment and we act as if we want to talk them out of their positive opinion of us.

“Really? You like this dress? Why, it’s two years old. I really don’t think the style is that flattering, but I wanted to get some wear out of it. Thanks anyway.”

“Oh, honey, planning the surprise party for you was really nothing. I mean, it didn’t take that much time, and I had help. You don’t have to make such a fuss over it.”

“You enjoyed my presentation? Well, actually, I felt kind of rushed since I was the last person to speak, and I wasn’t sure if my facts would be well received. I think everyone was just relieved that the meeting was over – that’s why I got all that applause.”

3. We hide our talents and accomplishments from the men in our life.

Sondra was a perfect example of a woman who makes Mistake #4. She’d been married to Greg for seven years, and was an expert at making herself appear to be less competent and intelligent than he was. “Greg likes to feel like he’s in charge,” Sondra confided to me in a soft voice, “so I guess you could say I have always downplayed myself from the time we first started dating.” Sondra was understating the facts – the truth was, she’d never even told Greg that she’d finished college with honors and had earned a scholarship to graduate school. He had no idea that she spoke fluent French, or that she’d been invited to work for a very successful French businessman in Paris before she’d met him. Sondra “neglected” to tell Greg these things about herself because, as she put it, “they’re really not that important anymore.”

Ellen, 37, and her husband, Andy, 39, were a two-career couple. Andy was an investment counselor for a large brokerage firm, and Ellen was in charge of public relations for a clothing manufacturer. They came to me for counseling after noticing some difficulties in their marriage. “I don’t feel like Andy really appreciates me the way he should,” Ellen complained. “I work as hard as he does, but we always seem to discuss his problems and not mine.”

“It’s true, we do spend more time talking about my job,” Andy replied, “but I suppose that’s because my work is more complex than yours.” Naturally Ellen was furious when she heard her husband making his job the more important of the two.

I talked with Ellen and Andy for a while until I discovered the source of the problem. Ellen was making Mistake #4 – constantly hiding her accomplishments from Andy and downplaying the importance of her work in order to make him feel more important. Of course, she wasn’t doing this consciously. It was a habit she’d developed from growing up as the smarter, older sister to a younger brother, and always being told by her parents, “Now Ellen, don’t you go telling Jonathan how well you did in school this semester - you know he’s having trouble with his grades.”

Ellen continued this same behavior with her husband. She never let him know about the important clients she was assigned to meet and work with; she neglected to tell him how well respected she was by her peers; and she rarely shared her dreams and goals for the future with him. “No wonder I don’t feel appreciated by Andy,” Ellen admitted after hearing about Mistake #4. “I haven’t been appreciating myself, and how could he even know how terrific I am if I hide it from him?”