Barbara Angelis - Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know

5. Make a list: “The Ways I Play Mommy…” Sit down and write out all of the ways you play Mommy in your relationships. Watch yourself over a few weeks, and add to the list whenever you catch yourself. If you’re really brave, ask your partner to suggest items that should go on the list! You may be surprised at how long your list turns out to be. The first step in changing your behavior is becoming aware of it.

6. Talk with the man in your life about the mommy/son games you play together, and work as a team to create a grown-up relationship.I suggest you give this book to the man in your life, so that he can understand you and himself better. Have some serious discussions about everything you’ve read in this chapter so far, and ask him for his input on the topic. Then make some agreements together, guidelines you each agree to follow that will help you create a grown-up relationship.

7. Be consistent.It’s essential to be consistent in following your new rules and avoiding the old mistakes. Stick to your commitments, no matter what the consequences. For instance, you agree not to clean up after your husband in his bathroom, and that he is responsible for taking his own underwear and towels into the laundry room. After one week you notice that there is a huge pile of clothing in the middle of his bathroom floor, and that he has no clean towels left on his shelf and no underwear in his drawer. Don’t touch that dirty pile of clothes! Wait until he complains that there are no clean towels, or that he has no underwear to put on, and remind him that all his towels and underwear are still on the floor where he left them. He may not be in the greatest mood, but he’ll get the message. If you give in for your own sense of sanity and orderliness, he’ll never take your new commitment seriously, and won’t stick to his.

Remember, it’s not easy to break the mothering habit, but when you do, you will feel like more of a woman, and your partner will look and feel like more of a man.

You’ve just spent several hours preparing a special dinner for your partner, fillet of sole almondine. You’re about to bring the two plates to the table when you realize that one of the portions of fish is larger than the other. Assuming you and your mate have equal appetites, will you give him the bigger portion, or keep it for yourself?

Most women to whom I pose this question sheepishly admit that they wouldn’t even have to give this dilemma much thought – of course they’d give the bigger portion to the man, because they are so used to putting the man first and themselves second. In fact, many women I interviewed said they’d actually feel guilty taking the larger piece of fish; they used words like selfish, stingy, unloving.

Mistake #2 has to do with how we as women sacrifice who we are, and put ourselves second in importance to the men in our lives. How do we do this?

1. We give up our own interests, hobbies, and activities.Sara, 31, used to be very involved in studying and practicing meditation and yoga. She found it helped her relax, and kept her feeling healthy. Then she met Bill, 36, a computer consultant, who had a cynical and skeptical attitude toward “that Eastern stuff,” as he called it. In order to avoid conflict, she stopped going to her yoga retreats one weekend a month, and found she was skipping more and more of her regular meditations, until she stopped entirely. When asked why she gave up these interests, she answered, “I guess I’m in a different phase of my life now. I’ve kind of outgrown those things.”

A year and a half later, Sara and Bill broke up. Within two weeks, Sara finds herself beginning to meditate again. “I can’t believe how much I missed this,” she remarked.

Emily has always loved to dance. She took ballet and jazz when she was growing up, and enjoyed going dancing on the weekends with friends. Dancing makes her feel alive, graceful, and free. When Emily was 29 she met Andrew, 31. They began dating, fell in love, and got married two years later. I recently bumped into Emily at a department store, and after asking her how she and Andrew were doing, I mentioned dancing. Emily looked uncomfortable and replied, “Well, I don’t do much dancing anymore.” When I asked her why, she explained: “You see, Andrew has never really liked dancing. He’s always felt like a klutz, and in the beginning I would drag him to clubs with me, but he’d just sit there all night and refuse to get up on the dance floor. It wasn’t fun seeing him sulk, so we stopped going. He encouraged me to go dancing without him, not to sacrifice on his account. I went once or twice with some friends, but I felt guilty leaving him home alone. I guess I miss dancing, but it’s no big deal, really.”

These women are doing what many of us do – giving up our own interests and hobbies because they are not important to the man in our life. We don’t even realize that we are making these sacrifices. We convince ourselves that we aren’t really missing anything, that it doesn’t matter. But it does. Often we become aware that we have made our own choices and activities second best only after the relationship has ended, and we find ourselves taking up those interests again. Then we remember how much we used to enjoy meditating, or dancing, or gardening, or cycling, or whatever it is that we gave up because the man in our life wasn’t particularly interested in it.

2. We give up friends or family members our partner doesn’t approve of.JoAnne, 26, was a beautician, who met her boyfriend, Lawrence, a 50-year-old antique dealer, on a blind date. JoAnne was bubbly, clever, and vivacious, and even though she’d never gone to college, she had good common sense and was doing well. Lawrence had graduated with honors from an East Coast Ivy League university, and considered himself an intellectual. The problems between them began the first time JoAnne took Lawrence to a friend’s birthday party. JoAnne was having a wonderful time until she looked over and saw Lawrence sitting by himself, “What’s wrong, honey?” she asked.

“I don’t really feel comfortable here,” Lawrence answered with a scowl. “I really have nothing in common with these friends of yours.”

On the way home in the car, JoAnne and Lawrence argued about the party. “I hate you thinking my friends aren’t good enough for you,” JoAnne yelled. “So what if they didn’t go to college – they’re really good people.”

“Look, if you want to spend time with them, that’s your business,” Lawrence replied. “Just don’t expect me to participate.”

JoAnne was furious at Lawrence for his superior attitude, but she secretly wondered if he was right, if her friends weren’t good enough for her. She was afraid of what would happen if she continued to see them. Would Lawrence break up with her? Over the next few months she began to spend less and less time with her old friends, until she stopped seeing them entirely. She felt lonely – but after all, she had Lawrence.

Jackie’s parents had never approved of Mike when Jackie dated him in college, and they were even more upset when the couple decided to move in together. Mike was a heavy drinker, and even though he claimed he could stop any time he wanted to, he never seemed to want to. Jackie loved Mike, and knew he loved her, but was afraid to really confront him about his drinking. Jackie had always been very close to her parents, since she was an only child, but all that began to change once she and Mike started living together. Each time Jackie would mention that she’d spoken to her mother or father, Mike would start complaining that Jackie was still depending too much on her parents, that she was acting like a little girl, and that she needed to break away from them and be her own person. Jackie loved her parents, but she didn’t want to lose Mike, so she began to taper off her phone calls and visits with them, until she hardly had any contact with them at all. Mike told Jackie that he was proud of her for being so “strong.” But Jackie drives by her parents’ house every week, parks the car across the street, and cries.