Barbara Angelis - Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know

There are millions of us like Ellen and Sandy – competent, talented, hard-working women who don’t know how to celebrate their magnificence with the men in their lives.

We cover up our excellence and competence because we think men will love us more that way.Do you remember ever being told any of the following things as a young girl?

“Always let the boy win if you play games together. That way, he’ll like you more.”

“Don’t act too smart around men, or they won’t want to take you out. You have to build them up, and make them feel smarter than you.”

AS WOMEN, WE’VE BEEN CONDITIONED TO MAKE OUR MEN LOOK AND FEEL SMARTER AND BETTER THAN WE ARE IN ORDER TO ENSURE THAT THEY WILL LOVE US

We go into relationships with a belief that if we look too good to a man, he won’t want to be with us, and so we work hard to make him look better than he is, and to make ourselves look worse than we are.

We cover up our excellence and competence because we’re afraid to look arrogant or conceited to others.Do you remember being given advice like the following?

“Now Susie, I’m glad that you got all As on your report card, but I wouldn’t tell too many people about it. It isn’t nice to brag, and girls must be modest.”

“Ginny, don’t stare at yourself in the mirror like that. It isn’t ladylike to think too highly of yourself. Girls who are too proud are unpopular.”

I remember my mother telling me when I was still in junior high school that the more successful and accomplished I became, the more people would be jealous of me, the less friends I’d have, and that I should be careful not to intimidate people with my talents. Like all mothers, she meant well, and I can’t say that I haven’t experienced some of these reactions in my life. But she was just passing down a self-deprecating philosophy that her mother had taught her, and that so many of us learned growing up. A woman shouldn’t look too good – it’s not feminine or attractive.

IN AN ATTEMPT TO BE “NICE GIRLS,” WOMEN HIDE THEIR MAGNIFICENCE

1. Hiding your competence kills the passion in your relationship.When we diminish our accomplishments and hide our excellence from the men in our lives, we think we’re going to make ourselves less threatening and therefore more attractive to the man we love, but in reality, the opposite occurs:

MEN ARE TURNED ON BY COMPETENCE AND TURNED OFF BY WEAKNESS

Men love competence in women. They are trained to be competent themselves, and recognizing it in someone else makes them feel attracted to that person. During my research for this book, I interviewed hundreds of men, and almost all of them agreed that a woman who exudes self-confidence is very appealing. The men respect these women and take them more seriously.

Here’s the irony – women think that hiding their magnificence and acting humble is going to get a man to love them more, when the truth is, this kind of behavior kills the passion in the relationship.

2. When you are in the habit of hiding your competence from men, you end up hiding it from yourself as well.The saying “out of sight, out of mind” definitely holds true for Mistake #4. The more you minimize your accomplishments to others, the less you remember them yourself, until eventually you lose touch with your own magnificence.

1. Make a list of all of your talents, abilities, honors, accomplishments, and good qualities, and share this list with your partner.I’ve given this assignment to women in my seminars, and have heard some amazing stories about the results it produced. Many women report that just writing out their good qualities, abilities, and successes reminded them of things they’d completely forgotten and certainly never talked about with their partners. And the men report that they are surprised and delighted to discover more characteristics about their women to love.

2. Catch yourself not accepting compliments, putting yourself down, or minimizing your achievements, and practice CELEBRATING YOUR MAGNIFICENCE.You’ll be surprised to notice how often you make Mistake #4, and how much of an unconscious habit it’s become. Catch yourself in the act, and shift from covering up your excellence to celebrating yourself. The next time someone compliments you, take a deep breath and simply say, “Thank you!” Throw your false modesty out the window.

3. Look for a man who wants to let you shine.We all know there are men out there who, for a variety of reasons, don’t want to be with a woman who appears powerful or confident. It’s hard to celebrate yourself around someone who isn’t interested in seeing you shine. Make sure your partner supports you in becoming the magnificent woman you’re meant to be.

I’m sad to say that the phrase “women give up their power to men” is, for many of us, redundant. As we’ve seen so far, throughout history a woman’s role has been to give her power away to a man, so it’s been more of an unfortunate fact of life than a mistake. I can tell you from experience that discovering how you give your power away to the men in your life, and learning how to stop doing it, will be one of the most important steps you can take toward creating healthy, loving relationships.

I have a name for those of us who give our power away to men, hoping they will love us more because of it: Love Martyrs. A martyr is a person who decides to make a personal sacrifice for a cause. In the case of women, we often sacrifice our self-respect, our sense of personal dignity and integrity, and our self-esteem in order to get a man to love us.

Here’s a quiz that will help you determine how serious a Love Martyr you are. It contains ten warning signs of a Love Martyr. You can take this quiz based on the relationship you are in now, one from the past, or your relationships with men in general. Grade yourself on each statement according to how frequently that statement applies to you.

Answer as honestly as you can. You may not like admitting some of this to yourself, but facing it is the first step toward changing it.

The Ten Warning Signs of a Love Martyr

1 You feel like you have to tiptoe around your partner to avoid upsetting or displeasing him.

2 You feel that your partner doesn’t always treat you with respect.

3 You act like a more confident, powerful person at work or with friends than you do around your partner.

4 You don’t feel safe or comfortable giving negative feedback to your partner.

5 You’re hesitant to ask your partner for what you want and need, and sometimes wonder if you are too “needy” or “insecure” anyway.

6 You feel that your partner treats you worse than you treat him.

7 When your partner isn’t behaving lovingly toward you, you tend to become more loving toward him in hopes of winning him over.

8 You feel you have to work to convince your partner of your rights for love, affection, equality, freedom, etc.