Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer - Sex For Dummies

Be careful of all of these new ways of being rude because they’re distractions. You’re in pursuit of love, and devoting psychic energy and time to these people who are hanging around on the periphery of your life is only going to delay you arriving at the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I accept that these days a lot more relationships are formed via computers and phones than using the older methods. You almost have no choice but to follow the herd. Notice I said “almost.” The older methods of finding a partner may not be used as much, but they still can work. My advice to anyone looking for someone to date is to tell everyone you know — friends, family members, neighbors — that you’re available. You might think that you’re great aunt doesn’t know any single people your age, but the women she plays cards with might have relatives who would be perfect.

The other piece of advice I have for singles is not to sit home by the phone. I understand that this expression is a little dated since in today’s world your phone goes with you wherever you go, but there are plenty of people who will binge-watch some show, maybe even on their phone, instead of going out. If you’re outside, there’s always the chance of meeting someone. If you glue yourself inside your own four walls, chance meetings are out of the question.

Some people say they don’t like the bar scene, and whenever they go to the corner launderette, there isn’t a single person in sight. So what do you do? You do something that you enjoy. You take a class in a subject that’s always interested you. You go to a ball game. You take your phone to the nearest Starbucks. You can’t win the lottery if you never buy a ticket, and sitting at home is just like being ticketless. I’m not saying that you will meet someone by joining the local book club or going to a religious service, I’m only saying that the odds of you meeting someone increase if you’re out and about. And if you’re doing something enjoyable, at least you won’t have wasted your time.

Although I’ll never say that finding a partner is easy (because I certainly faced my own difficulties as a young woman who was an orphan and only 4 feet, 7 inches tall), I will make one assertion — it’s not impossible. Believe it or not, that’s a very big distinction. Sitting in my office chair, I’ve heard too many people say that they can’t find a partner. But that’s just not so. Everyone can find a partner, even a wonderful partner. If you’ve been unable to find the right partner, you may just be going about it the wrong way.

This section covers some common scenarios and pitfalls. Change your thinking and avoid the traps for a better shot at finding love. (For more tips on finding a partner, check out Dating For Dummies, 3rd Edition, by Dr. Joy Browne (Wiley]).

Why do some people seem to have no problems finding dates, and others never seem to be successful? While it’s easy to blame external factors like your weight or looks or the negative qualities of every other single person you run into, it’s a lot more likely that the real guilty party is your approach to dating. Here are some examples of what you might be doing wrong, assuming that you’re not meeting with any success when it comes to finding a match.

Here’s an example of a search for love that was doomed from the start:

Lonely Lisa

Lisa came to see me because she couldn’t find a man. She was desperate, but what kind of help did she come to me for? What she most wanted from me was to get her a date with a certain very famous TV star. Not only do I not know this star, not only would I not do such a thing if I did know him, but where in heaven’s name did she get the idea that this star was waiting for her to walk into his life? She was setting herself up for lonely nights by choosing such a totally unrealistic goal.

Whatever you think of Lisa, you have to understand that she’s not alone. Oh, not everybody has their eyes set exclusively on one TV or movie star (although certainly millions of people fantasize about stars, and doing so is alright), but many of you may have a certain image of the person you want, oftentimes an unrealistic image, so you wind up just as lonely as Lisa.

If you base your selection on only one aspect of a person, such as looks or job title, doing so ensures that you miss out on meeting some very nice people who may not fit into the one cubbyhole in which you are looking.

Be careful not to become so blinded by looks, money, power, or position that you don’t see when someone is using you. People who let themselves be used tend to fall into the same trap again and again, seemingly unable to learn from their mistakes. When you allow people to use you, not only do you endure terrible heartbreak, you also waste valuable time. You meet plenty of people who can be great partners, but you don’t recognize them as such. Years go by and, instead of having spent them with someone who cares about you, you spend them alone, with brief interludes of make-believe happiness dating people who turn out to be in the relationship only for themselves. Paul’s story illustrates how easily you can fall into the trap of being used but not loved:

Heartbroken Paul

When Paul came to see me, he was absolutely heartbroken. He’d been dating this gorgeous woman for the last three months. She wanted to become a model, and Paul had used some connections to open some doors for her. One evening, he took her to a party that a number of people in the fashion industry attended. They met a top photographer, who immediately took a liking to this woman. Predictably, she dropped Paul flat and left the party with this other man.

This wasn’t the first time that Paul had allowed a woman to walk all over him. I told him that unless he changed his ways, it wouldn’t be the last time, either.

Paul needed to identify his problem in order to keep himself from repeating it over and over again. To be successful in the dating game, you must analyze your faults in order to figure out how to navigate the dating scene so you end up with someone who satisfies your needs while you satisfy theirs.

By the way, one of the worst ways of falling into this trap is to date someone who is already married. There are those who spend years deeply in love with someone who is completely unavailable to them. They hope and dream that the love of their life will divorce his or her spouse and come rushing permanently into their arms, but 99 times out of 100, that doesn’t happen. Instead, years and years go by with many more nights filled with tears than happiness.

Let me delve a little bit further into the subject of wasting time and offer some advice to those of you who are always waiting to win the dating lottery — some without even buying tickets.

Time-wasters fall into two basic categories: People who always have a string of excuses for not looking for a mate:

I have to lose a few more pounds.

I have to redecorate my apartment.

I have to look for a new job.

I have to get my bachelor’s degree (and then my master’s and then my doctorate).