Henry Beard - X-Treme Latin (Lingua Latina Extrema)

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t

Sunt genera tria hominum: illi qui numerare possunt, et illi qui non possunt

It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you

Res tam malae sunt quam putas, et inimici re vera te persequuntur

Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?

In sortitionibus donativis, cur numquam praemia consequuntur sortilegi?

Aunt Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog-Dorothy

Amita Aemilia: Te Kansiamque odi, Canem mecum abduco-Dorothea

If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?

Si quidem pedibus ire tam salubre corpori est, cur similis est noster tabellarius forma illi Iabbae Hutico?

Kill Barney

Interfice Arcturulum, istum mimum personatum portentosum purpureum palaeozoicum

Where did you learn to drive-fleeing from Huns?

Ubi didicisti gubernare currum? In fuga ab Hunnis?

That’s it, numbnuts. Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light.

Euge, enervate eunuche! Ingredere in orbitam meam prae me, tum reprime cursum cum biviali lucernae approprinquas.

Now speed up when I try to pass you, and as I go by, give me the finger.

Nunc, accelera cum conor te praeterire, mihique praetereunti ostende digitum impudicum.

Okay, tailgater-time for a brake check

Em, ichneumon-tempus est sufflamina temptare

Big car, little dick

Currus magnus, mentula minuscula

You know what S.U.V.s and hemorrhoids have in common? Every asshole has one.

Scisne quid commune superlativa urbana vehicula cum haemorrhoidis habeant? Est unum ex his utrisque malis cuique pathico.

* That’s it, numbnuts! Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light!

** Where did you learn to drive? Fleeing from Huns?

Lady, if you’re going to sit there all day yakking on your cell phone, why don’t you stick a steering wheel on your living room wall and just stay home?

Muliercula, si vis ibi sedens garrire totum diem in Nokiam tuam, quidni rotam adfigens gubernalem ad murum conclavis domi maneas?

What are you saving those pretty little turn signals for-Christmas?

Quod ad tempus reservas ista lumina pulchella praemonitoria-ad Saturnalia?

No, Mr. Busybody, I am not handicapped, but you will be if you don’t move your nosy butt out of that parking place, pronto

Minime, ardelio, nullo modo debilis sum, sed fies tu quidem, si clunes tuas curiosas non removeris protinam ab illa statione

Don’t boot my car!

Noli caligam in rotam currus mei adfigere!

I am too allowed in the car pool lane! See, I’m not alone. I suffer from multiple personality disorder.

Certe mihi licet vehi in orbita seposita curribus repletis. Ecce, non solus sum. Legio mihi nomen est, quia multi sumus.

There are three of us here. I want to drive! No, it’s my turn! No fair, what about me? Me me me!

Adsunt tres. Volo gubernare! Immo, ordo memet vocat! Iniquum est! Quid de me? Me me me!

Does that Breathalyzer have a Latin setting?

Potestne illa machina pneumatodocimastica ad linguam Latinam accommodari?

I have Vatican diplomatic immunity. If you give me a ticket, you’re going to end up cooling your heels in The Hague in a jail cell full of Yugoslavian war criminals.

Sedes Romana Sacra mihi diplomaticam immunitatem tribuit. Si me vocaveris in ius, aetatem tuam deges Hagae Comitis, conditus in carcerem refertum Iugoslavorum condemnatorum de bellum contra ius gentium gerendo.

Do you have nail-clipper-sniffing dogs?

Habetisne canes quae forficulas unguales olfacere possunt?

I think that guy with a napkin on his noggin has a catapult in his shoe

Credo illum mantelium in capite gerentem occultavisse catapultam in caliga

Hey, pal, is that carry-on luggage or did you just sack Carthage?

Heia, amice, utrum illae sunt sarcinae tuae, an modo Carthaginem despoliasti?

Say, miss, didn’t you used to work for Con Air?

Dic mihi, domnicella, nonne te conducebat aëria classis quae condemnatos transportabat?

You know, even galley slaves were served meals

Nempe cibus dabatur etiam servis navalibus

If there’s an accident, I’m going to charge people to use this exit

Si de caelo cadere incipiamus, vectores pretium pro usu huius exitus poscam

Your nose may fall off

Fieri potest ut nasus tuus decidat

You may develop hot-dog fingers

Fieri potest ut digiti tui formam tomaculorum sumant

Your head may explode

Fieri potest ut caput tuum displodatur

Your brain may turn to mush

Fieri potest ut cerebrum tuum liquefiat

You may start babbling in Latin

Fieri potest ut Latine blaterare incipias

Argumentum

Gallia, terra in partes tres divisa

*Cisalpina

*Transalpina

*Oblitus sum tertiae

Topic

Gaul, a country with three parts

*Northern Italy

*France

*I forget

Consilium

*Visere

*Videre

*Vincere

Plan

*Make a visit

*Have a look-see

*Take it over

Sequelae

*De bello stultum librum scribam

*A nonnullis irrumatoribus occidar in Foro

*Acetaria et mensis accipient a me nomina

Follow-up

*Write a stupid book about it

*Get assassinated in the forum by a bunch of assholes

*Salad and month get named after me

Conclusio

*Faciam ut animus meus scrutetur

*Quid illa femella Cleopatra?

Conclusions

*Get head examined

*What about that Cleopatra dame?

X. Calculus won’t be invented for another fifteen hundred years

Calculus differentialis non invenietur intra mille quingentos annorum

IX. When you’re late on a rainy day, you can always blame the sundial

Si sub Iove pluvioso serius advenias, tu culpare semper potes horologium solare

VIII. If you piss off one god, you’ve still got 600 left

Si deum irrites unum, sescenti tibi iam supersint

VII. Actors are treated like dirt

Histriones foede tractantur

VI. Athletes who complain about their pay end up in an urn

Athletae qui queruntur de mercedibus mox in urnas funduntur

V.Scumbags who get the death penalty think they got off light

Scelesti mortis damnati se leviores poenas pensuros reuntur

IV. The likeliest place to find some pushy Christian preacher is inside a lion

Veri simillimum est, locum in quo praedicatorem Christianum protervum invenies, ventrem leoninum esse

III. The French are an ignorant bunch of servile peasants living in smelly huts, and the Germans are getting their asses kicked

Gens Gallorum inerudita servilis agrestis est, in tuguriis foetidis habitans, et Germani vapulant

II. A healthy diet consists of waiting to see if the food taster dies before having anything to eat

Diaeta salubris est, antequam aliquid cenes, observare an moriatur praegustator

I. Everyone is always dressed for a toga party

Omnès amiciuntur semper togis quasi convivium agitaturi