Henry Beard - X-Treme Latin (Lingua Latina Extrema)

ae as in “Thai”

au as in “ouch”

ei as in “hey”

eu as in “hey, you”

oe as in “goy”

ui as in “ptui”

b, d, f, h, l, m, n, and p are the same as in English. So are k and z, which are rare in Latin anyway. j, w, and the consonant y don’t exist in Latin.

c, ch always “k.” That’s a KIGH-sahr salad you ordered. You want ANN-koh-veese with that?

g, gn always “guh.” The Romans were fighting the GUHR-mahns, not the JUR-mahns, and when they gave the signal to attack, it was a SIHG-nuhm (trumpet blast) not a SEE-nuhm (large bowl).

i always “yuh.” It’s thanks to YOO-lih-uhss (not JOO-lee-yuss) that we celebrate the fourth of July instead of the fourth of Quinctil.

r you can rrroll your r’s even if they’rrre the last letterrr of a worrrrd.

s always “sss.” The Roman fanss (not fanz) were animalss (not animalz).

t, th always “teh.” Teh-hey teh-rew teh-hings at eak ot-teh-her during teh-he nah-tih-oh-nahl (not nashunal) ant-hem (not anthum).

v always “w.” The wolcano that waporized Pompeii was Weh-SOO-wee-uhss.

There are no silent letters in Latin-every vowel (unless it’s part of a two-syllable dipthong) and every consonant is always pronounced fully, and often separately. Of course, there are also no actual Romans around to give you the stink-eye when you mess up.

Puellae filiae agricolarum sunt

The girls are the daughters of the farmers

Puellae pulchrae sunt

The girls are pretty

Puellae nautas in via spectant

The girls see the sailors in the street

Nautae pulchri sunt

The sailors are hunks

Puellae nautas salutant

The girls say hello to the sailors

O malam fortunam! Nautae male mares sunt

Too bad! The sailors are homos

Nautae ad puellas digitos impudicos porrigunt

The sailors give the girls the finger

Puellae nautas appellant

The girls call out to the sailors

“Speramus naviculam misellam vestram ad scopulum adlisam iri summersum”

“We hope your stupid boat hits a rock and sinks”

Puellae in forum descendere destinant et ibi mercimonium furari

The girls decide to go down to the mall and shoplift some stuff

Omnes paucis annis prosedae erunt

In a few years they will all be hookers

(answers below-responsa recta in ima pagina)

All Gaul is divided into____________________parts

Gallia est omnis divisa in partes____________________

many

multas

good

bonas

small

parvas

warlike

bellicosas

Capture a Gaul and torture him until he tells you

Torque Gallum captum donec tibi respondeat

Arms and the man I sing, who first from the shores of____________________…

Arma virumque cano____________________qui primus ab oris…

Syracuse

Syracusarum

Ithaca

Ithacae

Albany

Albani

Buffalo

Bufali

Sacrifice a bullock to Jupiter so the test gets canceled because the teacher was struck by lightning

Immola Iovi iuvencum ut magistro tacto de caelo probatio relinquatur

III. EXTRA CREDIT – QUAESTIO ADDITA PRAEMII GRATIA

Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when bearing____________________

Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et____________________ferentes

shish kebabs

carunculas veribus fixas

stuffed grape leaves

folia vitis oryza farta

baklava

crustula laminosa

the check

syngrapham

Send a slave over later with the answer, and if he gets it wrong, lop off his ears

Mitte brevi postea servum qui responsum referat atque si erret praecide aures ei

I., E; II, E; III, E.

ROMULUS: Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian Way?

ROMULUS: Quem ob rem pullus sacer viam Appiam transivit?

REMUS: I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!

REMUS: Nescio. Eum evisceremus ut, extane ostensura sint illius infausti facti causam, comperiamus!

ROMULUS: Why do Roman firemen wear red suspenders?

ROMULUS: Cur gerunt siphonarii Romani retinacula rubra?

REMUS: I do not know-let us set the city ablaze and see if their pants fall down!

REMUS: Nescio. Urbem incendamus ut, sintne delapsurae bracae eorum, comperiamus!

ROMULUS: Why did the Helvetian moron throw the water clock out the window?

ROMULUS: Quare iecit caudex Helvetius clepsydram de fenestra?

* Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian way?

** I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!

*** I growl

REMUS: I do not know, but I feel certain that after ten years chained to an oar as a galley slave he will be eager to reveal the reason for his rash act!

REMUS: Nescio; pro certo tamen habeo istum, decem annos vinctum in servitio ad remum intra navem longam, cupidum futurum revelare rationem sui temerarii facti!

Faster than a speeding chariot…

Celerior quam currus festinans…

More powerful than a Carthaginian war-elephant…

Valentior quam elephas bellicus Punicus…

Able to conjugate irregular verbs without making a single mistake…

Potis anomala verba sine lapsu declinare…

It’s Ro-Man!

Romanus est!

T-shirt Slogans-TITULI TUNICALES

CARPE NAREM

Pick your nose

CAPE SOMNUM

Catch some “z’s”

CAPIAMUS CEREVISIAM

Let’s grab a beer

CAVE LABOREM

Beware of work

MORANS FAC PAUSAM UT SEDES BIROTARUM OLFACIAS

Take time to stop and smell the bicycle seats

PUTEO ERGO SUM

I stink, therefore I am

VENI, VIDI, VOMUI

I came, I saw, I blew lunch

SOLVE LORA INFERNIS

Unleash hell

OSTENDE MIHI PECUNIAM

Show me the money

PARENTES MEI DIMIDIUM EUROPAE DESPOLIA VERUNT. EGO TAMEN NIL ACCEPI PRAETER HANC TUNICULAM MISELLAM

My parents plundered half of Europe and all I got was this stupid T-shirt

ABES ETIAM A CONSILIO INSULTANDI MIHI NISI LATINE LOQUI SCIAS

Don’t even think of dissing me unless you speak Latin

ILLUC IVI, ILLUD FECI

Been there, done that

I’d rather be pillaging

Malim praedari

I’m dumb and I vote

Hebes sum et suffragia fero

My child can beat the crap out of your wimpy honor student

Filius meus puerum tuum studiosum laureatum mollem deverberare potest

Thank you for not thanking me for not smoking

Tibi gratias ago quod mihi gratias non agis quod fumum non comedo

Visualize world conquest

Habe ante oculos devictionem mundi

Keep honking-I’m reloading

Perge cornu canere-sclopetum repleo

Horn broken-watch for finger

Buccina fracta-exspecta signum digiti impudici

Barbarian on board

Barbarus in curru

Proud of our brutal police

Vigilitus nostris crudelibus gloriantes

Stop the aqueduct, save the unicorns

Sistite constructionem aquaeductus ut conservetis unicornes

I brake for lunch

Frenos inhibere soleo pransurus