Esther Perel - Mating in Captivity

Semans, Anne

separateness, intimacy and

Serena and Andrew, intimacy and

Sexy Mamas (Winks and Semans)

Simon, Carly

spontaneity, myth of

Stella and James, childhood and

Stephanie and Warren, parenthood and

Steven, childhood and desire and

“story,” sex separated from

submission and domination

cultural values and

Elizabeth and Vito and

hate and love and

Jed and Coral and

Marcus and

power and

sadomasochism and

surrender, love and

“talk intimacy”

Talmud, story from

teenage sexuality, Puritanism and

Tiefer, Leonore

Transformation of Intimacy, The (Giddens)

uncertainty, erotic vitality and

values. See cultural values

verbal communication, as modern intimacy. See also intimacy, sexuality and

cultural changes and

Eddie and Noriko and

mind-body continuum and

Mitch and Laura and

“talk” intimacy and

Vito and Elizabeth, domination and

Warren and Stephanie, parenthood and

Weingarten, Kaethe

Wilde, Oscar

Winks, Cathy

work ethic

Ben and

“mechanics” of sexuality and

Ryan and Christine and

Wynne, Lyman

Zoë and Doug and Naomi, fidelity and

Acknowledgments

I NEVER WROTE A BOOKbefore. I thought I couldn’t stand the solitude. To my surprise, I found I could bring my love of collaboration and midnight chats to the writing table. I tend to think in conversation—it’s in speaking that my ideas emerge and take on clarity. Some people helped me talk, and others, write. I owe them so much, far beyond this modest tribute. Since we have been musing about love and sex for two years, let me simply say that every word sends a kiss of gratitude.

Sarah Manges, editor extraordinaire, you have been my compass. You have kept me on course when squalls of ideas threatened to knock me way off. Laura Blum, you levitated my prose. Not being a native English-speaker, I miss certain nuances of the language that your poetic flair always captures. Michele Scheinkman, I never know that an idea makes sense until you give it your seal of approval. Gail Winston, my editor at HarperCollins, you believed in me like a mother. You made me pick up my strewn thoughts and kept me jargon-free. Mary Wylie, when you edited the original article from which this book is drawn, “In Search of Erotic Intelligence: Reconciling Sensuality and Domesticity,” did you know how far we would go? You often understood what I wanted to say before I did. Miriam Horn, you were the first person who gave some shape to the original article. Rich Simon, you set this whole thing in motion. A simple question in the spring of 2002, “What have you been thinking about lately?” prompted me to send you some loose ideas which, eleven versions later, ended in the pages of an on-the-cusp magazine, The Psychotherapy Networker. Things could have ended there, with an interesting article. But Tracy Brown, you were rummaging through the newsstands as only an enterprising agent knows how to do. You spotted the cover of the Utne Reader , which had reproduced my article from the Networker article. We instantly bonded, and began this amazing journey. I’m recommending you right and left. Ilana Berger, you introduced me to the world of sex therapy. You’ve been a mentor and a friend. Peter Fraenkel, since before day one you believed in this project. Michael Shernoff, by offering a gay perspective, you kept me from falling into heterosexual clichés. Patti Cohen and David Bornstein, I’m honored that you’ve welcomed me into your circle of writers. Deborah Gieringer, Sandy Petrey, and Katherine Frank, thank you for being such discerning readers and thinkers. Phillis Levin, you are my poetic muse. Shelly Kellner, you bring a wealth of organization to my chaos. Your research support was impeccable. Anya Strzemien, you spent hours listening to me on tape and then transcribing. Can we work together again? Miriam Baker, thank you for the wonderful metaphor of captivity.

There’s no way to overstate the contribution of my patients. I’m honored by your trust in me. Thank you for letting me into your souls, and for allowing me to take your stories to enrich the life of others. Friends, too, please join the list. I can’t name everyone who sat at my dinner table parsing out the complexities of desire, but you know who you are, and I can’t thank you enough.

Jack Saul, we have been together nearly a quarter of a century. I know you appreciate my choice of topic! I wouldn’t have been able to complete this project without your enduring support and enthusiasm. You stepped in whenever I stepped out. Adam, my older son, you are my computer whiz. It’s meant so much to me that you’ve taken such an interest in my work even when my work has taken me elsewhere. Noam, my younger son, I promise you that when you come of age I’ll be delighted to have you read my book.

About the Author

Esther Perelis a couples and family therapist with a private practice in New York City. She is on the faculty of the International Trauma Studies program at Columbia University, is a member of the American Family Therapy Academy, and has appeared on many television programs, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Day New York, CBS This Morning , and HBO’s Women Aloud . She lives in New York City with her husband and two children.

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Credits

Cover image © Jerzyworks/Masterfile

Books by Esther Perel

The State of Affairs

Mating in Captivity

Copyright

“Wild Things in Captivity,” from The Complete Poems of D. H. Lawrence by D. H. Lawrence, edited by V. de Sola Pinto & F. W. Roberts, copyright © 1964, 1971 by Angelo Ravagli and C. M. Weekley, Executors of the Estate of Frieda Lawrence Ravagli. Used by permission of Viking Penguin, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

All names and identifying details of the individuals in this book have been changed to protect their privacy.

MATING IN CAPTIVITY. Copyright © 2006 by Esther Perel. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

EPub Edition © AUGUST 2006 ISBN: 9780061835223

Epub Version 2

Version 06052017

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Perel, Esther

Mating in captivity: reconciling the erotic and the domestic / Esther Perel.—1st ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-10: 0-06-075363-3

ISBN-13: 987-0-06-075363-4

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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