Esther Perel - Mating in Captivity

2: More Intimacy, Less Sex

Love and lust: Jack Morin. 1995. The Erotic Mind . New York: HarperCollins, p. 200.

Ethel Specter Person writes: Ethel Spector Person. 1988. Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters: The Power of Romantic Passion. New York: W.W. Norton, p. 30.

Dr. Patricia Love gives voice: Patricia Love and Jo Robinson. 1995. Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking . New York: Plume. p. 95.

The psychologist Michael Vincent Miller: Michael Vincent Miller. 1995. Intimate Terrorism: The Crisis of Love in an Age of Disillusion. New York: Norton, p. 39.

The psychoanalyst Michael Bader: Michael J. Bader. 2002. Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies . New York: St. Martin’s.

The sex therapist Dagmar O’Connor: Dagmar O’Connor. 1986. How to Make Love to the Same Person for the Rest of Your Life and Still Love It. London: Virgin.

The psychologist Virginia Goldner: Virginia Goldner. 2004. “Review Essay: Attachment and Eros—Opposed or Synergistic?” Psa Dialogues , 14(3), pp. 381–96.

Simone de Beauvoir writes: Simone de Beauvoir. 1952. The Second Sex . New York: Knopf, p. 446.

The French psychologist Jacques Salomé: Jacques Salomé. 2002. Jamais seuls ensemble: Comment vivre à deux en restant différents . Québec: Éditions de l’Homme, p. 13.

3: The Pitfalls of Modern Intimacy

We have no secrets: Carly Simon, from the album No Secrets, Elektra/ Asylum Records, 1972.

Tevye, in Fiddler on the Roof: Joseph Stein. 2004. Fiddler on the Roof: Based on the Sholom Aleichem Stories . New York: Limelight. (Reprint of original script, Pocket Books, 1965.)

The family therapist Lyman Wynne: Lyman C. Wynne and A. R. Wynne. 1986. “The Quest for Intimacy.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 12, p. 389.

David Schnarch deftly illustrates: David Schnarch. 1991. Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. New York: Holt, p.107.

The family therapist Kaethe Weingarten: Kaethe Weingarten. 1991 “The Discourses of Intimacy: Adding a Social Constructionist and Feminist View,” Family Process, 30, pp. 285–305.

4: Democracy Versus Hot Sex

No bill of sexual rights: Daphne Merkin. 2000. “The Last Taboo.” The New York Times, December 3.

Mordechai Gafni, a scholar of Jewish mysticism: Mordechai Gafni. 2003. “On the Erotic and the Ethical.” Tikkun Magazine, April–May.

Ethel Spector Person: Ethel Spector Person. 2002. Feeling Strong: The Achievement of Authentic Power . New York: Morrow, p. xi.

Stephen Mitchell makes the point: Stephen A. Mitchell. 2002. Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance over Time . New York: Norton, p.144.

They were primarily a practice of gay men: Anthony Giddens. 1992. The Transformation of Intimacy: Sexuality, Love and Eroticism in Modern Societies . Stanford, Calif.: Stanford University Press, p. 123.

The social critic Camille Paglia: From www.urbandesires.com issue 1.2 January–February 1995. Interview with Tracy Quan, “The Prostitute, the Comedian, and Me.”

5: Can Do!

Energy and persistence: Benjamin Franklin, http://www.quotations page.com/quote/34574.xhtml.

Laura Kipnis writes: Laura Kipnis. 2003. Against Love: A Polemic . New York: Pantheon, p. 67.

You break the problem down to its component parts: Ronald A. Heifetz. 1994. Leadership without Easy Answers . New York: Belknap, p. 69.

The sex therapist Leonore Tiefer: Leonore Tiefer. 1995. Sex Is Not a Natural Act and Other Essays . Boulder, Col.: Westview, p. 51.

Newsweek magazine: Kathleen Deveny. June 30, 2003, “We’re Not in the Mood.” Newsweek, p.41.

French author Jean-Claude Guillebaud: Jean-Claude Guillebaud. 1998. La Tyrannie du plaisir . Paris: Éditions du Seuil.

Medicine knows how to scare: Pascal Bruckner and Alain Finkielkraut. 1977. Le Nouveau Désordre amoureux . Paris: Éditions du Seuil.

The “sexual performance perfection industry”: Barry A. Bass. 2001. “The Sexual Performance Perfection Industry and the Medicalization of Male Sexuality.” Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 9, pp. 337–40.

As Adam Phillips wryly notes: Adam Phillips. 1996. Monogamy . New York: Vintage, p. 62.

Octavio Paz writes: Octavio Paz. 1995. The Double Flame: Love and Eroticism . San Diego, Calif.: Harvest, p. 162.

We don’t always know our aims in advance: Francesco Alberoni. 1987. L’érotisme . Paris: Éditions Ramsey, p. 136.

There’s an evolutionary anthropologist named Helen Fisher: Helen Fisher. 2004. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love . New York: Holt.

It belongs to the category of existential dilemmas: Barry Johnson. 1992. Polarity Management: Identifying and Managing Unsolvable Problems. Middleville, Mich.: Polarity Management Associates (PMA).

Barry Johnson, an expert on leadership: Ibid.

What Octavio Paz calls “a swamp of concupiscence”: The Double Flame , p. 49.

I give him the following quotation from buddhist yoga teacher Frank Jude Boccio: www.judekaruna.net/yoga

6: Sex Is Dirty; Save It for Someone You Love

Sex without sin: Luis Buñuel, quoted in Daphne Merkin. 2000. “The Last Taboo.” New York Times , December 3.

I regret to say: http://en.thinkexist.com/quotation/i_regret_to_say_ that_we_of_the_fbi_are_powerless/7865.xhtml.

Sex is everywhere, in all its permutations: Lillian Rubin. 1990. Intimate Strangers: Men and Women Together . New York: HarperPerennial, p. 9.

The blatant marketing of sexual images: Jean-Claude Guillebaud. 1998. La Tyrannie du plaisir . Paris: Éditions du Seuil.

It’s also worth noting that in Europe: Linda Berne, Ed.D., and Barbara Huberman, M.Ed. “European Approaches to Adolescent Sexual Behavior and Responsibility: Executive Summary and Call to Action.” Washington, DC: Advocates for Youth, 1999.

7: Erotic Blueprints

Grown-ups never understand: Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. 1943 The Little Prince , trans. by Richard Howard. New York: Harcourt.

So, like a forgotten fire: Gaston Bachelard, from http://en.thinkexist. com/quotation/so-like-a-forgotten-fire-a-childhood-can-always/363615.xhtml.

The sex therapist Jack Morin: Jack Morin. 1995. The Erotic Mind. New York: HarperCollins, p. 115.

As Roland Barthes wrote: Roland Barthes. 1977. Fragments d’un discours amoureux . Paris: Éditions du Seuil, p. 44.

The psychoanalyst Jessica Benjamin writes: Jessica Benjamin. 1988. The Bonds of Love: Psychoanalysis, Feminism, and the Problem of Domination . New York: Pantheon, p. 98.

Michael Bader links the idea of selfishness: Michael J. Bader. 2002. Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasties . New York: St. Martin’s, p. 147.

8: Parenthood

Anne Roiphe. 2002. Married: A Fine Predicament . New York: Basic Books, pp. 149–50.

The Italian historian Francesco Alberoni: Francesco Alberoni. 1987. L’érotisme. Paris: Éditions Ramsey, p. 28.

Sexy Mamas, by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans: Cathy Winks and Anne Semans. 2004. Sexy Mamas: Keeping Your Sex Life Alive While Raising Kids. New York: Inner Ocean Publishing.

Adam Gopnik contrasts America’s asexual model of reproduction: Adam Gopnick. 2001. Paris to the Moon . New York: Random House, pp. 299, 301.