Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

[ aside: ] Now come ye back, ye scurvy, furry things,
I’ll shock ye all for your abuse of us.

O mistress mine, to see thee brings me joy!
Draw nigh and plant upon my lips a kiss.

Luke hath secur’d your safety with his ploy—
No sweeter meeting can I wish than this!

W’goodo, goodo,
Whoosah yoodo,
Yoosah speccul,
Hoodo, hoodo.

[ to C-3PO: ] My gratitude profound, C-3PO.

Forsooth, I never knew ’twas in me, Sir.

These little creatures may have value yet
If they our allies in this fight become.
I need thine aid now to convince them so—
I prithee, 3PO, make known to them
Our dire adventures ’gainst the Empire vile.

I know not, Master. I am not a bard
Who can with skillful tongue his story tell.

But try, C-3PO—the tale relay
In their own language.

—All the world’s at war,
And all the rebels in it are the heroes;
They have their battles and their skirmishes,
And rebels in these scenes have play’d their parts,
Their story being seven ages. First,
Our princess that was captur’d was then sav’d,
But Alderaan did pay the costly price.
And then the Death Star battle, with its guns
And awful loss of life, like speeder bikes
We flew unto the final vict’ry. Then
To Hoth, so barren, with a woeful ballad
Compos’d for our lost comrades. Then to
Bespin,
Full of strange imps and fearful twists of fate.
My master fac’d Darth Vader, quick in quarrel,
While Lando, Chewie, and the princess just
Escap’d the cannon’s mouth. But then our Han—
In fair trim belly with good humor lin’d,
With eyes severe and hair of scruffy cut,
Full of harsh tongue and modern instances—
Was plac’d in carbonite. The sixth age shift’d
To Tatooine, a lean and lonely place,
With Jabba there to give us all a fright.
The sarlacc vicious was a world too wide
For us to spend eternity within.
We turn’d again to Master Luke, who with
The Force did save our lives. Last scene of all,
That ends this brave eventful history,
Shall be the Empire’s fall t’oblivion,
Sans pow’r, sans hate, sans fear, sans ev’rything.

What do they say?

—I do not know.

[ aside: ] —I sense
The keen nobility within their hearts;
These small but mighty creatures shall yet be
Our help as we make battle ’gainst our foes.

Na doonga doonga,
Tymee soonga,
Weesa hilpuh,
Loonga, loonga.

’Tis wonderful! A sign of deep respect
The group has given us, for we have been
Made members of their honorable tribe.
Moreover, they shall aid us in the fight
Against the Empire and its bunker here.

’Tis verily a dream come true for me.
[ Aside: ] And now, unhand me, teddy, ere I scream.

Beep, whistle, squeak!

[ aside: ] —This joyous scene doth stir
My soul, for since my presence here is but
A danger to my friends, I must depart.

But wherefore doth Luke flee when we should all
Be celebrating? I shall follow him.

Egh.

—So the proverb says, Chewbacca: “Help
That is but short is better than no help
At all.” Though how the furry beasts will help
I cannot yet imagine or conceive.

The Ewok chief reports the scouts shall show
Us to the place that generates the shield
For the new Death Star. There we may fulfill
Our plan: deactivate the shield anon.

Well done, C-3PO, now quickly heed
Mine every command: first have them tell
Us how far distant is the place. Then be
Thou sure that, second, thou dost ask for fresh
Supplies. And fin’lly, get our weapons back.
But wherefore dost thou wait, thou simple droid?
Unto my tasks—I shall not wait for thee!

He cannot wait, but will not let me do’t!

I prithee, say: what is the matter, Luke?

Between who?

—Nay, the matter on your heart.

Say, dost thou of thy mother yet retain
A memory? I fain would hear thee tell.

But little, Luke, for I was all too young
When she departed to her resting place.

Yet what dost thou remember? Wilt thou share?

’Tis mostly images I see within
My mind when I do think on her, just as
The reds and oranges that one doth see
When one hath look’d upon the shining sun.
She was a woman of great beauty who
Was kind, yet nurs’d some sadness deep within.
Now tell me, wherefore dost thou ask me this?

No mem’ry have I of a mother’s touch,
Nor kindness, sadness, smile, or any speech.
’Twas not until but recently I thought
Upon my state of being motherless.

What troubles thee, dear Luke?

—Darth Vader’s here,
E’en now, upon this very forest moon.

How dost thou know?

—I felt his presence here.
He cometh seeking me, for he can feel
When I am near. This is why I must leave:
As long as I remain I do the group
And our good mission put at risk. Instead,
My destiny it is to face the man.

But wherefore?

—He, e’en Vader, is my father.