Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

Alack! That beast hath ta’en the speeder bike!
We shall not let the imp steal from us so!

Let us fly hence and after him!

—Away!

A clever ruse for one who is no more
Than a mere lump of matted fur. He hath
Succeeded in his plan, for now behold:
Just one is left. [ To C-3PO: ] Remain here and await
Our swift return.

—Though I am but a droid,
My will is yet my own. I shall decide
What course to take, and have decided it
Shall better be if R2 and myself
Remain here.

—Well consider’d, goldenrod.
Now let us go, my friends, and make our way
Unto the bunker. Guard, what ho?

—Thou knave,
What treachery is this?

—Such treachery
As shall an Empire conquer. Now, avaunt,
Thou scurvy servant of the Empire’s spite!

Good friends and rebels all, are you prepar’d?
The moment is upon us, even now:
We shall the bunker enter sans delay,
And what we’ll find therein we do not know.
Belike some danger grave doth wait inside,
Mayhap far worse than ever we imagine.
Be ready—eyes alert and open wide!

Pray, mark me well, else all of you shall die:
Move quickly to the side, and let us in.

Go, brave Chewbacca, guard these wayward souls.

Make haste, good Han. The fleet shall be in range
Anon.

—Egh, auugh!

—Give me those charges, quick!

O my, they shall be captur’d! Misery!
If only I could quickly warn them all.

Netah muah,
Meego thuah,
Meego gennem,
Puah, puah.

Beep, meep!

—Where dost thou go? Come back! R2,
Stay here with me, I pray. My joints and wires
Are burning with my terror and my fear.
If thou dost leave, I surely shall melt down
From all the dread that runs through me.

—Meep, squeak!
[ Aside: ] Though small, his brave protection shall I be!
We cannot save the others, and may not
E’en save ourselves, but I shall not, at least,
Desert C-3PO when he’s afear’d.

[ to Han: ] Be still, thou rebel scum.

[ aside: ] —Alas, how’s this?
The Empire knew our plan—something’s amiss!

Oi! Comrade, how art thou?

—Quite well, my friend.
Say, didst thou hear the news?

—What news, pray tell?

It seemeth we have found Skywalker.

—Aye?
The lad for whom we have for ages search’d?
The one o’er whom Darth Vader seems obsess’d?
The mighty boy of whom we’ve all been warn’d?

Indeed, the same—thou knowest whom I mean.

Where was he, then?

—Upon the moon.

—Which moon?

The moon around which we do orbit now.
E’en Endor.

—Can it be? Our enemy,
The greatest threat the Empire’s ever known,
Hath ’scaped our watch and is to Endor flown?
How can that be, for do we not have guards
Identifying ev’ry ship that comes?
Hath he fool’d them to make his landing, then?

E’en so. Lord Vader hath return’d with him.

Darth Vader brought him here?

—Yes. Wherefore art
Thou so perplex’d?

—The rebel pilot who
Hath single-handedly destroy’d the first
Death Star is hither brought—

—As prisoner.

As prisoner. Aye, that is better. But
How came he then to be on Endor, say?
And wherefore was he there? Do we yet know?

How he hath landed there is yet beyond
Our knowing. He hath said he was alone.

And hath he been believ’d?

—Nay, we have not
Our senses quite forgot. Pray, give our men
An ounce of credit, lad. Our scouts do search
For his accomplices e’en now.

—’Tis well.

Forsooth, the Empire soon shall triumph.

—But . . .

Alas, my friend, what troubles thee? Why dost
Thou speak this “but”? Why “but”? What “but”?

—Hast thou
Read the descriptions of the Endor moon?

I have, for we were order’d so to do.

Then thou hast heard about the creatures there.

Mean’st thou the native population that
Was deemèd insignificant?