Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

[ to Han: ] Thou rebel dog, move quickly, lest thou die.
Forsooth, ’twould give me pleasure to destroy
Thee, and would bring a great reward, as well.

[ to Leia: ] This mission, it would seem, hath fail’d, ’less there
Is yet some unknown force to rescue us.

We must have confidence—all is not lost.
E’en in the darkest hour we may have hope—
Experience hath taught me thus, for once
I did lose thee, which was far worse than this.

What, ho! I say, ye stormtroopers, were you
A’searching for me and my mate?

—The droid,
What is his game? I hope the silly fool
Knows what he does.

—Auugh!

—Bring those two to me!
I’ll not be mock’d by droids whilst I have breath.

They speed to us anon. I say, R2,
Art thou assur’d this is a good idea?

Beep, whistle, meep! [ Aside: ] Thou soon shalt see, my friend,
How well I have consider’d this idea.
For though the furry creatures harmless seem,
And though I am a simple, squeaking droid,
Together we’ve a cunning strategy.

Now freeze, ye wayward droids! And do not move!

Most heartily I grant thee my surrender.

What sound is this? The call of horns and fife!
The battle hath begun in earnest with
A fairer balance of the rival sides.
Those noble little creatures have arriv’d
To bear the standard of our worthy cause.
What loud commotion hath their coming made—
Now arrows fly from their well-aimèd bows,
And hit the mark—the troops fall left and right.
O sit thee back no more, Han, take thy stand!
Let courage stir within my smuggler’s blood!

O bravely met, good friends, fight on! Now Han,
We must unto the bunker and renew
Our effort to make entrance and destroy
The shield that still about the Death Star lies.
We represent Rebellion’s greatest hope!

[ aside: ] See how the creatures fight! What skill and wit
They use to struggle ’gainst their foes. There is
One flying through the sky on wings of bark,
Who drops upon the walker his small load.
The AT-ST doth not feel the hit,
But O, what daring hath the creature shown!
A group doth hold a rope across the path
To trip a walker up, yet it but pulls
Them all along. Yet some have triumph’d, too,
For they have crush’d a walker’s cockpit with
Two trunks of trees sent swinging from the vines.
Another gang employs large catapults
To send vast boulders hurtling through the sky.
Still others choose small stones to slay the troops,
And bash their helmets in with utmost glee.
There’s one who takes a rock upon a string,
And tries to fling it t’ward a trooper’s head,
But hath instead his own small visage hit.
What gallantry of spirit have these beasts.
E’en if their efforts sometimes are in vain,
They do what I, encas’d in steel, may not:
They put their bodies fully in the fight.

[ to Han: ] The code unto the bunker door hath chang’d!
We need R2!

—The terminal is here.
If he can make it o’er, this is his means
To swiftly open up the closèd door.

R2, where art thou? Come to us anon!

[ to C-3PO: ] Beep, squeak!

—Thou goest? Wait, what dost thou mean?
I thought thou hadst resolvèd to remain.

Meep, whistle, hoo, beep, meep.

—But going where?
Pray patience, R2, this is not a time
For brave heroics! Hither now, return!

Beep, squeak!

—We come, we come!

—I prithee, swift!

Quick, good R2—thou art our only hope.

Hoo!

—R2, wherefore wert thou passing brave?

That plan, then, shall not be. Mayhap I can
Still hot-wire these controls to ope the door.

Good cover shall I give thee whilst thou work’st.

Auugh-egh-egh-auugh!

—Pray, get the beastie off!

N’mayta mayta,
Heeza hayta,
Weeza gonnem,
Bayta, bayta.

The wiring have I reckon’d, and we shall
Make entrance to the bunker presently.
A-ha, ’tis done, and now the door’s unlock’d!

Have I been mock’d by cords and circuitry?
Shall I by wires and cable bested be?

Alack!

—My love, my heart, my very life!
I beg thee, tell me thou art well, and that
This wound shall not take what I hold most dear:
E’en thee. Shall this the final moment be,
Shall I live all my life in grave regret
That never did I tell thee what thou mean’st,
Or how completely thou hast won me o’er?
A smuggler’s heart thou hast with cunning seiz’d,
A pirate’s soul thou hast by kindness ta’en.
A scoundrel’s life thou holdest hostage, chuck.
Thus, though I am by trade a smuggling man,
’Tis thou art guilty of a greater crime:
For thou dost practice larceny in love.