Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

O join us, friends and mortals, on the scene—
Another chapter of our cosmic tale.
Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine,
To save his friend Han Solo from his jail
Within the grasp of Jabba of the Hutt.
But while Luke doth the timely rescue scheme,
The vile Galactic Empire now hath cut
New plans for a space station with a beam
More awful than the first fear’d Death Star’s blast.
This weapon ultimate shall, when complete,
Mean doom for those within the rebel cast
Who fight to earn the taste of freedom sweet.
In time so long ago begins our play,
In hope-fill’d galaxy far, far away.

Cease to persuade, my grov’ling Jerjerrod,
Long-winded Moffs have ever sniv’ling wits.
’Tis plain to me thy progress falls behind
And lacks the needed motivation. Thus,
I have arriv’d to set thy schedule right.

Aye, we are honor’d by your presence, Lord.
To have you here is unexpected joy.

Thou mayst dispense with ev’ry pleasantry.
Thy fawning words no int’rest hold for me.
So cease thy prating over my arrival
And tell me how thou shalt correct thy faults.

I tell thee truly, Lord, my men do work
As quickly as each one is capable—
No more is possible for them to do.

Mayhap I shall find new, creative ways
To motivate them.

—Lord, I’ll warrant that
The station shall be operational
Within the date and time that have been set.
Upon my honor I may make such claim.

The Emperor, however, doth not share
Thine optimistic attitude thereon.

But, Lord, he doth expect th’impossible!
I need more bodies to fulfill this task.
If I had but a hundred able souls
To work alongside those already here,
’Twould be far simpler to complete the work
And make this Death Star ready when ’tis due.

Thou wilt have opportunity to ask
The Emp’ror for these further workers, for
He shall arrive upon the Death Star soon.

[ aside: ] O news that fills my heart with utter dread!
[ To Darth Vader: ] The Emperor himself shall come here?

—Aye.
Displeasèd is he with thy thorough lack
Of progress on this station incomplete.

Our efforts shall be doubled instantly!

I do hope so, Commander, for thy sake—
The Emperor is known for being less
Forgiving than myself. Pray, is that clear?

It is, Lord Vader, perfectly. Thy words
I hear and shall obey. With gratitude
I praise thee for thine honesty herein.

The scene is set for this, the final act.
I shall destroy the rebels, one and all,
And turn young Luke, my son, unto the dark.
It is the role I play, my destiny—
The grand performance for which I am made.
Come, author of the dark side of the Force,
Make me the servant of thy quill and write
The tale wherein my son and I are seal’d
As one. Come, take mine ev’ry doubt from me,
And fashion from my heart of flesh and wires
A perfect actor: callous, cold, and harsh.
Let this, the second Death Star, be the stage,
And all the galaxy be setting to
The greatest moment of my narrative:
The scene in which the Empire’s fight is won
Whilst I decide the Fate of mine own son.

Again, R2, we are on Tatooine.
I would not e’er have ventur’d to return
Unto this place most desolate and wild,
Except that Master Luke hath sent us here
Upon an errand. Yet I know not what
Our message is, but only that I should
To Jabba of the Hutt deliver it.
O place most barren—I have miss’d thee not.

Beep, squeak?

—Indeed I am afraid, R2,
And so shouldst thou be, too, for Lando of
Calrissian and brave Chewbacca ne’er
Return’d from here.

—Beep, whistle, squeak.

—Be not
So certain, R2, for if thou didst know
But half of all that I have heard about
This Jabba of the Hutt—his cruelty, how
He tortures innocents, and all the beasts
He keeps to do his will—belike thou wouldst
Short-circuit.

—Hoo.

—And now we have arriv’d.
But art thou sure this is the place, R2?
Mayhap ’tis best if I do knock? [ He knocks. ]
Alas,
There’s none to see us in, so let us go!