Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

—Let the suffering begin!
I shall enjoy this show of pain and death.

Alas, Luke jumps! But wait, he flips aright
Onto the skiff, and R2 hath releas’d
Into the air Luke’s lightsaber! He has’t,
’Tis his! O clever droid, with aim so true,
And clever Luke, devising such a plan.

The battle’s here! Mine eyes see well enough
To know that now ’tis time for combat!

—Auugh!

Now, Lando, to thy recompense for all
That thou hast done! Betrayer shall become
The bravest fighter e’er rebellion’s seen!
My courage here shall render payment for
The villainy I’ve tender’d in the past.

Ahh!

—What role shall I play in this? I shall
Not stand aside and let them fight for me.
I am no fragile damsel to be sav’d,
But have, since I was young, fought for myself.
Thus, to my work: to slay the biggest foe—
Thou, Jabba, art for me and me alone!

Alas, my friends, I fall!

—Nay, thou vile Fett!
Thou shalt not have the best of us. A-ha!

Thy blaster’s now in twain by my lightsaber.

Han! Chewie! Can ye hear me?

—Lando!

—Auugh!

Egh!

—Boba Fett? What Boba Fett, and where?

Alas! The greatest Fett shall not die like this!
O horrid Fate! Where is now my great reward?

Nuh oola koobah!

—Those shall be thy words
Most final! Now, the chains that bind me to
This wretched lump of flesh shall be my hope!
Whilst Jabba worries o’er the battle, I
Shall throw the chains about his neck. Then, pull!
Aye, pull—a princess’ vengeance! Die, thou brute!
Thou unsuspecting Hutt, I curse thy life!
For all the innocent whoe’er did die,
For all the noble souls thou didst torment,
For all the gentle lives that are no more,
For all the galaxy’s injustice—die!

Good Lando, thou didst turn thy back on me,
But thou shalt have a chance to earn thy due
Since Luke and Chewie tell me of thy shame.
Chewbacca, lift me down that I may save
Him from a thousand years of pain.

—Brave Han
Attempts to rescue Lando, but the gun
From on the barge doth block his progress. Fie!
No rest from trouble have we here—these foes
Will not let us escape without a fight.
They do intend to block us all the way—
Then to the barge, to aid the rescue. Fly!

Pray, grasp the staff!

—I almost have it!

—Auugh!

Alack! The sarlacc’s tentacle wraps ’round
My leg. I fear this is the end! O give
Me strength to face my death well.

—Be thou still,
And Chewie, hand the blaster unto me.

A blaster in the hands of one who’s blind?
Methinks I may do better in the pit.
Good Han, think on the defects of thine eyes!

My sight is much improv’d: my aim is true!

Good Lando is safe once again, and Han
And Chewie steady are upon the skiff.
Thus shall I find the droids and Leia, then
Destroy this barge and Jabba’s courtiers all.

[ aside: ] Now to the princess, to release her bonds!

All thanks, R2, now let us flee from here—
Find thou C-3PO, and we’ll away!

Beep, squeak!

—My master’s dead, but no fool I—
I’ll fight these droids until my fate’s secure.

Mine eyes, alas—O R2, help!

—Meep, squeak!
[ Aside: ] Tear not my friend apart, you tallow face!

The droid hath zapp’d me quite! O naughty imp!

O counterpart from Heaven sent, my thanks!
But now, R2, say where dost thou lead me?
Why do we swift approach the vessel’s edge?
This is most curious and passing strange,
For I could not jump to the sand, and ’tis
From here a mighty drop indeed—

—Nee, hoo!

I prithee, Leia, take the gun and point
It yonder, at the deck! The barge shall fall!

[ Aside: ] Alas, my hand, but ’tis my hand of steel,
It causes me some pain, but not as ’twould
Were it my own real flesh. Strange notion, this.
I have not time to think on it, but shall,
Another time, consider this my hand.