Ian Doescher: William Shakespeare's The Empire Striketh Back

O, ’tis for the Rebellion a dark time.
For though they have the Death Star all destroy’d,
Imperi’l troops did from the ashes climb
And push the rebels closer to the void.
Across the galaxy pursu’d with speed,
The rebels flee th’Imperi’l Starfleet vast.
A group with Luke Skywalker in the lead
Hath to the ice world known as Hoth flown fast.
Meanwhile, the cruel Darth Vader is obsess’d
With finding young Skywalker. Thus he hath
Through ev’ry point of space begun his quest
By sending robot probes to aid his wrath.
In time so long ago begins our play,
In war-torn galaxy far, far away.

If flurries be the food of quests, snow on.
Belike upon this Hoth, this barren rock,
My next adventure waits. ’Tis time shall tell.
And yet, is it adventure that I seek?
Shall danger, fear, and action fill my days?
Shall all my life be spent in keen pursuit
Of great adventure and her fickle fame?
It seemeth I have had enough of life
To fill a thousand normal human lives—
A princess in a vision spake to me,
My aunt and uncle by stormtroopers slain,
A hasty flight from my home, Tatooine,
A pilot and a Wookiee and a Knight,
A rescue brave within our cruel foe’s grasp,
My teacher kill’d, and then the final scene:
The Death Star battle—many friends were lost,
But in the end a greater war was won.
Adventure hath both taken from my life,
And given to me ev’rything I have.
And thus I seek and shun its tempting ways.
E’en now adventure knocks upon the door:
A flaming orb hath struck the ground nearby.
Is it a portent of some ill to come?
[ Into comlink: ] ’Tis Echo-Three to Echo-Seven: Han,
My true companion e’er, canst thou hear me?

[ through comlink: ] Aye, truly, chuck, thy voice rings loud and clear.
What can I do for thee, my noble friend?

My circle ’round the area hath been
Completed now, but naught of life nor forms
Of life my scan hath yet uncover’d.

[ through comlink: ]—Nay.
There is not life enough upon this cube
Of ice to fill an empty space cruiser.
The sensors have I put in place, so shall
I now return unto the base.

—’Tis well,
And I, forsooth, shall soon meet with thee there.
But I have spied a met’orite that hath
Its landing made near here. So shall I go
And fix my eyes upon the scene. I’ll not
Be long, I warrant; then, I shall return.

You viewers all, whose gentle hearts do fear
The smallest womp rat creeping on the floor,
May now perchance both quake and tremble here,
When wampa rough in wildest rage doth roar.
Pray know that I a wampa simple am,
And take no pleasure in my angry mood.
Though with great force this young one’s face I slam,
I prithee know I strike but for my food.

Alas, is this th’adventure I am due,
To die upon a vicious monster’s whim?
I am attackèd by this awful beast!
O fate most wretched—shall I be his feast?

A scoundrel may not rise above his place—
This is a fact the galaxy doth teach.
For e’en though I have join’d rebellion’s ranks
These many weeks and months, and gain’d respect
Within their noble band, my scoundrel past
Doth make its harsh demands upon my life.
The bounty hunters sent by Jabba make
Pursuit to win the price upon my head.
So must I go once more unto the depths
Of my old life, find Jabba of the Hutt
And pay his ransom, thus to free my soul.
I would not leave my noble rebel friends,
I would not leave the cause for which they fight,
I would not leave the princess and her charm,
I would not leave all these, and yet I must.
A life’s not well lived under threat of death,
Especially with men of cruel intent—
Who for a price shall fill the Hutt’s demands—
Upon the trail of my indebtedness.
And so, my mate Chewbacca and I leave
Upon the instant that the ship is set to go.

I say, Chewbacca, ho! Aye, Chewie!

—Auugh!

Lose not thy temper, gentle Wookiee, nay,
But practice patience; I shall help thee soon.

Egh, auugh, egh.

—Solo, wouldst thou speak with me?

Good general, the sensors are in place,
And surely shalt thou know if aught comes near
Our hidden station here.

—Well. Prithee say,
Commander Skywalker, hath he yet made
Report?

—Nay, truly. He hath gone to see
A met’orite that hath made landfall near.

With all the met’orites a’falling in
This system, I believe we shall have pains
And trouble in detecting ’proaching ships.

[ aside: ] How shall I tell my news most difficult,
And crush this man’s great hopes for what’s ahead?
Fear not, O heart, but be direct and calm:
’Tis best approach’d straight on, like th’Kessel Run.
[ To Rieekan: ] My general, I cannot stay. I must
Make haste and get me hence, e’en now.