Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

O Han!

—’Tis Luke?

—How dost thou fare, good friend?
Thou art less cold than when I saw thee last.

The ice hath gone, but still the chill remains.
But I am well enough, consid’ring all,
And now we are together once again.

’Twould not be miss’d. Such fun we have in store.

How is our cause?

—The same as ever, friend.

That bad, indeed? And where is Leia?

—Here.
I am quite safe and, as of yet, unharm’d,
But bound unto this wormlike lump of hate.

Hagoy ooneetonuh.

—O dear! The great
And high exaltedness, this Jabba of
The Hutt, decrees that ye shall presently
Be terminated.

—Just as well; I loathe
A lengthy wait. [ Aside: ] The eyes may yet be blind,
But ’tis relief to know the wit is well.

Thou shalt, therefore, be ta’en to the Dune Sea,
And cast into the pit of old Carkoon,
The nesting place of the all-pow’rful sarlacc.

As yet this Fate doth not so dismal sound.

[ aside: ] I lik’d him better when he was on ice—
The frozen one hath quite a shrewish mouth.
Belike the details of the sarlacc shall
Give rest to his most flippant, prating tongue.

Within the sarlacc’s belly ye shall know
A definition new of suffering
As ye are gradu’lly digested o’er
A thousand thousand years. Thus saith the Hutt.

As I reflect, mayhap we should decline.
I find I have no stomach for this feast
Since it is we who shall the supper be.

Auugh!

—Thou wilt soon regret this gross mistake,
For ’tis the last misstep thou e’er shalt make.

The end of this bleak scene is almost near,
For I shall play the part of helpmate to
My master true, securing freedom for
Us all. No more shall Jabba terrorize
The planet Tatooine, for he shall be
Destroy’d before the double sun doth set.

O pardon me, I do apologize.

Beep, squeak!

—My R2, ah! What dost thou here?

Beep, whistle, meep, beep, nee!

—Well can I see
That thou art serving drinks, but dangerous
This place is. Soon they plan to execute
Good Master Luke, and if we take not care,
No doubt we shall be executed too!

Beep, meep!

—I wish I had thy confidence.

[ aside: ] Here is the hour that ends in our escape,
Here is the moment Jabba sees defeat,
Here is the instant I have plannèd for,
Here is the battle grand: the skiff’s the thing
Wherein I’ll catch Han’s rescue and take wing.

Methinks mine eyes have quite improv’d, for now
Instead of just a blur of dark I see
A blur of light. ’Tis almost pleasant. Ha!

Alas, ’tis nothing here to see. I did
Once live on Tatooine, as thou dost know.

And thou shalt die here too. Convenient ’tis.

Stay close to Lando and Chewbacca. All
Things shall end well, for I have plann’d it so.

So sayest thou. [ Aside: ] His confidence is such
As I’ve not seen in him before; I know
Not whether to guffaw or be impress’d.

The plank hath been set forth, and I shall walk
Not unto death, but our deliverance.

Koneetah!

—Hear ye! Victims of the great
Almighty sarlacc: Jabba of the Hutt,
His excellency, hopeth ye shall die
With honor. Should ye wish for mercy now
To beg, great Jabba of the Hutt shall hear
Your pleas.

—Nay, 3PO! Say thou to that
Vast slimy piece of filth bestrewn with worms
He shall have no such pleasure out of us!
Now that I am no more a markèd man,
I shall most fully proffer my belief
That Jabba is a horrid murderer
Far worse than any I have ever known.
Who here shall prove me wrong or argue, eh?
’Tis right, good Chewie, I speak true?

—Egh, auugh!

Pray, Jabba, hear: I shall not ask again—
Thou mayst free us, or be destroy’d anon.
So give us liberty or give thyself death.

Ho, ho! Sabutah mayr.

—Aye, put him in!
No more of these fools’ speech my ears would hear!

[ aside: ] The scene is set. Pray, Lando, play thy part,
And R2, thou hast ever been most true,
Now fail me not in this most vital time.

[ aside: ] This is the moment; aye, this is the time.

Koos nooma!