Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

[ aside: ] Now here’s a knocking, indeed! If a droid
Were porter of the Force here in this place,
He should have rust for lack of turning key.
I pray, remember the poor porter droid.
[ To C-3PO and R2-D2: ] N’getchoo gadda gooda, einja meh.

My goodness! What foul greeting’s this? [ To droid: ] R2-D2wah.

—Haku! Danna mee bicchu.

Bo C-3POwah, ey.

—Ai waijay uh.

Odd toota mischka Jabba o du Hutt.

Kuju gwankee? Mypee gaza, ho ho!

Methinks they shall not let us in, what shame!
Still, well may it be said that we have tried,
For never would I give up easily
When sent forth on a task by Master Luke.
Yet we have tried and were refusèd here,
Thus, who could blame us for departing hence?
Let us depart now, aye, together fly!

O pity, it doth open and release
Mine utmost fears. Now must we venture in.

[ aside: ] My friend C-3PO was never for
His courage known. So shall I lead, as e’er
I have been wont to lead, into this place
Although I too feel fear. [ To C-3PO: ] Beep, whistle, squeak!

O, R2, wait for me! O dear! We should
Not rush, like fools, unto this scene. O my!

Tay chuda! Nuh die wanna wanga?

—O!
Die wanna waugow. [ Translating: ] “We bring unto thy
Dread master Jabba of the Hutt a message.”

E Jabba wanga?

—Squeak!

—[ translating: ] “A gift as well.”
[ To R2-D2: ] Wait, R2, pray, what dost thou mean, “a gift”?
Good Master Luke hath spoken not of “gift.”

Beep, whistle, meep.

—Nee Jab’ no badda; ees
Eye oh toe. Zah kotah amutti mi’.

Beep, meep, nee, whistle, hoo.

—He doth report
That we are not to give the message to
A soul, save Jabba of the Hutt himself.

Grrf, mik.

—Pray, patience; he quite stubborn is
When fac’d with matters such as these.

—Nudd chaa!

R2, I feel a shaking in my core
O’er this dread situation we are in.

Ahho, nee jann bah naska ahho bah.

Kada no pase.

—Good morning.

—Beep, meep, squeak!

Neh bo shuhadda mana.

—Ahh, shihu.

I prithee, R2, play the message now.
The sooner we’ll be on our merry way.

Bo shuda!

—Beep, meep, whistle.

—Greetings, O
Exalted Jabba of the Hutt. Allow
Me to make introduction unto thee:
My name is Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight
And friend to Captain Solo, who e’en now
Is in thy custody. I know that thou
Art powerful, O Jabba, and that thy
Great anger t’ward Han Solo equally
Must pow’rful be. I seek an audience
With thy esteem’d and mighty personage,
To bargain for my friend Han Solo’s life.
With thy vast wisdom we shall, doubtless, find
A goodly compromise that shall, indeed,
Be mutually beneficial, and
Allow both you and I to ’scape a more
Unpleasant confrontation. As a sign
And symbol of my honest will, I do
Present unto thee, as a gift, these droids.

They are hardworking, and shall serve thee well.

Alas, what hath he said?

—Beep, whistle, meep!

Nay, nay! R2, I say, your message errs!
Our master never would betray us so!

O foolish droids, whose master fools them so!

[ to Jabba: ] Na maska bagweni, ees no Jedi.

Ha ono wangee goghpah, ool.

—We’re doom’d!
He will not bargain with good Master Luke.

Nuh peecha wangee cogh pah, tong nam nee
Took chan kee troi. Ne Solo fah keechwa.

O, R2, look, ’tis Captain Solo, still
A’frozen in the carbonite.

—Beep, hoo!

A little more than dud and less than dead.

Na pushka nab, de foghla pah nubin!

O what hath come upon my master Luke?
Did I offend him by some errant word?
Was he disturb’d by something I have said?
Or is this but a human’s changing whim?
Belike I’ll never fully comprehend
These people and their wayward, shifting ways.
One moment with my service is he pleas’d,
The next he sendeth me away in scorn
To serve the gangster Jabba of the Hutt.
Grant me thy mercy, Sir, I beg of thee—
Whatever my offense, O master true,
I prithee, do forgive C-3PO!

[ aside: ] What scenes of horror lie herein! I see
That droids are tortur’d here, fix’d fast upon
The rack and torn to bits, or burnèd on
The feet as though they were a piece of meat
Upon a spit. O terror to mine eyes—
And yet I know my master hath a plan.
Indeed, within my head I hold the light
That shall illumine our profound escape.