Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

New acquisitions, excellent. Thou art
A droid of protocol: say, is this so?

I am C-3PO, of human—

—Aye,
Or nay shall serve.

—O. Aye.

—Of languages,
How many dost thou speak?

—Six million forms
Of speech I may claim knowledge of—

—’Tis well.
We have not had a court interpreter
Since our great master anger’d was by our
Most recent droid of protocol, and had
Him thoroughly disintegrated.

—O!
Disintegrated? Fate most vile and cruel!

I prithee, guard, this droid of protocol
May useful be. Take him and fit him with
A strong restraining bolt, and then return
Him unto our great master’s chamber.

—Mrk.

O, R2, do not leave me all alone!

Beep, squeak!

—Thou art a feisty little droid,
But soon shall learn respect when thou dost serve
Upon my master’s sail barge. Thou shalt see!

[ aside: ] Within the court of Jabba now I serve.
But O, what wretched things I see within,
For when he loseth temper—which befalls
Most frequently—thou mayst be certain it
Doth mean the death of someone who is nigh.
For lo, unto the rancor’s pit they fall,
Where such a massive terror lives that I
Cannot bear watch, though all the courtiers here
Do laugh and cheer as though it were a sport.
The rancor cometh forth with growls and barks
And catches up the poor and helpless soul
Who, screaming in its terror, doth fall mute
As rancor sinks large teeth into its flesh.
The slaughter of the blameless! O, it is
A vile and filthy service I fulfill.
Grant me the patience to endure this time!

[ sings: ] A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!
’Tis well to be a gangster.
A blaster ever by thy side,
A stately barge in which to ride,
A fair, young damsel to thee tied,
’Tis well to be a gangster.
A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!
’Tis well to be a gangster.
Full many servants lend thee aid,
More guards than a Naboo brigade,
And bounty hunters on parade—
’Tis well to be a gangster.
A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!
’Tis well to be a gangster.
The drinks all flowing fast and free,
A sarlacc pit not far from thee,
A rancor for thine enemy,
’Tis well to be a gangster.
A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!
’Tis well to be a gangster.

Eyah-tay, eyah-tay, yo-toe.

—Chewbacca!

—Auugh!

Cheesa eejah wahkee Chewbacca—ho!

Kahjee ta, droid.

—Aye, here am I, indeed,
Thy worshipfulness.

—Yu-bahk ko rahto
Kama wahl-bahk. Eye yess ka cho. Kawa
Na Wookiee.

—Bounty hunter strong and brave:
The mighty Jabba of the Hutt doth bid
Thee welcome, and shall gladly pay to thee
The goodly sum of five-and-twenty thousand.

[ aside: ] No bounty hunter would be fool enough
To take the first price offer’d, I’ll be sworn.

Yoto. Yoto.

—’Tis fifty thousand, and
No less.

[ striking C-3PO: ] —Ahh, uun yun kuss tah fiti pun.

Whatever was it that I said, Sirrah?
I did perform the function thou hast giv’n:
Precisely did I translate this one’s words.

Moonon keejo!

[ to Boushh: ] —The mighty Jabba asks
The reason wherefore fifty thousand is
The sum demanded of thee.

—Ay yo-toe!

The knave doth threaten us—he holdeth in
His hands a thermal detonator. O!

Ho, ho. Kaso ya yee koli tra do
Kahn nee go. Yu bahn chuna leepa nah.

The Hutt doth call him fearless and inventive,
But never did invention make me fear
As this one’s thermal detonator doth.

[ to C-3PO: ] Kuo meeta tah te fye. Dah tee teema
Nye.

[ to Boushh: ] —Mighty Jabba offers thirty-five,
And were I in thy place, I would accept
The deal. ’Tis better, as they say, to make
The peace than make us all in pieces be.
And truly thirty-five while living is
A sum more numerous than zero dead.

Ya-toe cha.

—Praise the maker, he agrees!

Auugh!

[ aside: ] —This sad scene I witness with contempt:
Another bounty hunter earns his sum
For bringing in a harmless innocent.
Now all is merriment and patting on
The back whilst yet another’s added to
Their clan. A scoundrel’s life ’tis true I’ve known,
Yet never did I stoop so low as this.
But still, I smile at what I here survey,
For I know well this bounty hunter is
No normal man—no normal man indeed!
And his apparent prize—my Wookiee friend
Chewbacca—is not as a pris’ner come.
Bear thou this burden bravely, Lando, for
The wait is almost over—soon the plan
O’er which we took great pains shall come to pass.
Be still, my scoundrel heart, with patience wait,
For retribution comes in time, though late.