Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

Indeed, Sir.

—O! What manner of a beast—

Now, blaster, hit thy mark, else we’re found out!
[Princess Leia shoots and kills Imperial Scout 8.
Good cheer! The scout is slain, and we are safe.
I give thee thanks, thou bantam warrior,
For thy protection and thy bravery.
Come, let us go at once, ere others come.

A yubnub, yubnub,
Shessa noolub,
Shessa frenda,
Yubyub, yubyub.

[ aside: ] Although it seems I came from over there
He wisheth me to follow him that way.
Belike in following I’ll earn his trust.
Then shall I make our budding friendship real
And see what this chance meeting may reveal.

Now wherefore hast thou come to see me here?
Thine orders were to stay aboard thy ship.

I would not disobey thine orders, were
It not of grave importance to our cause.
A rebel force hath made it past the shield,
And landed on the forest moon of Endor.

I know all this already.

—And my son
Is with them on their mission.

—Art thou sure?

Forsooth, for I have felt him.

—Strange that I
Have not. Lord Vader, are thy feelings on
This matter clear, or need’st thou clarity?

[ aside: ] Well ask’d, for my confusion he doth sense.
[ To Emperor: ] My thoughts are clear, my master.

—This, then, shalt
Thou do: fly to the sanctuary moon,
And wait upon him there, for he shall come.

Indeed? ’Tis he who shall come unto me?

I have foreseen it. His compassion for
His long-lost father shall mean his defeat.
’Tis he shall come to thee, and thou shalt bring
Him hither, unto me. Thus it shall be.

Whatever thou dost wish, I grant to thee.

A’searching in the forest, we have found
No trace of my belovèd. Yet I see
These wreck’d and tangl’d bikes afore mine eyes,
And must assume the worst. Some horrid fate,
Some accident of fortune hath befall’n,
And ta’en my love too quickly from my grasp.
O let it ne’er be so, and let me not
With grief and anguish live out all my days.
Although we find not Leia, let us still
Some hope discover deep within these woods.

This helmet have I found, near yonder log.
The tree that once so tall and stately stood,
Hath been by some unnat’ral force knock’d down.
But all that doth remain there is the top,
That once rose high above the forest’s roof.
O tree, that lost its trunk and turn’d to log!
O helmet—without wearer—turn’d to shell.

Good Master Luke, his heart doth break within.

Two more wreck’d speeders yonder did I see,
And this poor, empty helmet tells a tale.

I fear that R2’s sensors can find no
Suggestion of dear Princess Leia near.

I hope—O greatest hope, O fondest hope—
With all my being hope she may be well.

Auugh!

—What is it, thou Wookiee?

—Egh. Egh, auugh!

I do not understand, Chewbacca. It
Is just a piece of meat, and nothing more.

Auugh!

—Nay! Pray, patience!

—Wonderful! The ones
Who wish’d to find become the ones found out,
Who wish’d to net a princess, netted are,
Who pray’d to find her, find themselves now prey.
And why? Because the one who thinketh least
Hath thought with appetite and not with mind.

Since fault of thought hath got us to this place,
Let us be calm, and reason our way out.
Canst thou reach my lightsaber, Han?

—Indeed!

[ aside: ] Once more it lies in me to save these men.
Mayhap a fall upon their rears shall serve
Them well. Now quickly to thy work, my blade!

R2, dost think that wise? ’Tis far to fall!

Down, down, we fall!

—Alack!

—O, R2!

—Auugh!

Safe from the net, yet hard upon the ground.
Although my mind is grateful for the help,
My back doth cry for vengeance on the droid
Whose foolish act hath knock’d us flat.

—But look,
How many furry beings are there here!
O brave new world, that has such creatures in’t!

U jabbeh, jabbeh,
Ussah stabbatheh,
Unoh muvva,
Gabbeh, gabbeh.

Avaunt, thou scruffy flea-infested imp—
Point not thy spear toward my angry self,
Else thou shalt know the scourge of blaster fire.