Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

Do not our play too harshly judge, dear friends,
For with imagination may you see:
Into the forest now the fight extends
On speeder bikes that whip ’twixt tree and tree.
What haste their dauntless riders undergo
As they fly swiftly past both brush and stumps!
The rapid derring-do our scene doth show,
And when ’tis over, some shall have their lumps.

Jam thou their comlink, center switch!

—’Tis done!

Canst thou yet closer go? Pray, pull aside
The one before us. Now I jump aboard
His bike, and he is mine and I’m for him.

Aye, he is gone, but others take his place!
Good Leia, follow that one up ahead.
I shall remain behind, to face these two.

’Tis well. Be safe, and I shall see thee soon.

[ aside: ] O sister, all my thanks for tender words.

Now shall this bike’s keen blaster find its mark!
I shoot, and one is dead; the other next.

I shall fly high o’er this one’s bike, that he
May think that I have fled. Then shall I from
Above make my attack. Ha! Now beside
His bike, surprise is my sure strategy.

Alas! My bike is hit, and off I fall!

Ha! There’s a rebel scum who shall no more
Make trouble for our mighty Empire. We
Are e’er the strongest in the galaxy,
With pilots such as I whose skill is—O!—

This latest scout is skill’d beyond the rest—
I may not best him in a battle thus.
Yet by another method I shall win,
For why rely on bikes and blasters when
I have the Force, and my lightsaber, too?

Now to it, scout! Return and meet thy fate!
He comes a’blasting, but my lightsaber
Deflects the shots, and now I slice his bike!
Aye, broke in twain his bike doth falter fast,
And now against a tree he meets his end!

Beep, meep, beep, whistle, meep, squeak, whistle, nee!

O, Gen’ral Solo, someone comes anon!

[ seeing Luke: ] Luke! We have found thee! But thou lack’st one thing:
I bid thee tell me: where is Leia? Eh?

She came not back?

—I thought she was with thee.

And truly was. But lo, within the wood,
The battle was borne out with speed and fire,
Amid the blasts and cruel Imperi’l scouts
’Twas only muddledom that won the day.
We separated were, and there’s an end.
Anon! We must fly hence and search for her.
Good R2, come, thy scanners we shall need.

A buki buki,
Luki, luki,
Issa creecher,
Nuki, nuki!

Desist at once, thou furry little imp!

E danvay, danvay,
Staa awanvay,
Da livvy creecher!
Panvay, panvay!

I shall not hurt thee, little one. But O,
My body cries with soreness from my fall.
I wonder where Luke and the others are?

Fangowa, gowa,
I nonowa.
Da creecher muvvee
Slowa, slowa.

It seemeth I am fix’d and grounded here,
Yet I am lost and know not what “here” means.
All that I have is this small creature, from
A species I have ne’er encounterèd.
Mayhap thou wilt assist me, little friend.
Sit down beside me, here, and let us talk.
I promise I’ll not hurt thee. Aye, approach.

A dunga, dunga,
Wassee wunga?
Ino commee,
Junga junga.

Belike thou wouldst like something thou canst eat?
If thou art like most creatures, thou mayst be
Directed by thy stomach’s wish for food—
Where bellies lead, the other members trail.
Here, friend, taste thou this morsel from my hand.

Aytru, aytru,
See mebbe tru,
Iya tryee,
Maytru, maytru.

I’ll warrant I have made a friend at last—
The food succeeds where words alone have
fail’d. Now shall I take this helmet off, for sure,
It gives me pain to wear it still so tight.

A kusha kusha,
Wassee doona?
Mia scardu,
Pusha, pusha.

Nay, fear thou not, O little one; ’tis but
A hat, and shall not harm thee. ’Tis no threat.
Thou art a scamp fill’d full of skittishness.

A kiata, ata,
Summink mata,
Summink commee,
Giata ata.

[ aside: ] This creature’s customs and his language are
Unknown to me, and yet his instincts prove
Most capable. He smell’d the danger ere
I knew ’twas here. A pow’rful ally might
He and his people be, if e’er we could
Communicate and share each other’s thoughts
And hopes and aspirations openly.

A wundah wundah,
Shutee gundah,
Shutee baddee,
Nundah nundah.

[ to Leia: ] Stand down, milady, else you breathe your last!
[ To Scout 8: ] Go, get thy bike, and take her back to base,
For none but our own troops have clearance to
Be on the sanctuary moon. She must
Give answer for her furtive presence here.