Ian Doescher - William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return

I prithee, patience, Han—all shall be well.

E hura hura,
Heeno scura,
Heesa tempurr,
Gura, gura.

Chewbacca, give thy crossbow unto them.
Let them believe they have the upper hand,
And we shall see of what the beasts are made.

[ rising from the fall: ] Alas, my head! What pains I must endure.
But O—what creatures do surround us here?

U hadoo, hadoo,
Heesa gadoo,
Heesa mytee,
Gadoo, gadoo.

A treeto treeto,
Meesah greeto,
Houdi dootee,
Seeto, seeto.

C-3PO, dost comprehend their tongue?

Indeed, my master Luke! Recall that I
Am fluent in more than six million forms—

Less prating, more explaining, droid. What didst
Thou say to them, when thou didst speak e’en now?

“Hello,” methinks. ’Tis possible I am
Mistaken. They employ a primitive
And ancient dialect, but it appears
They think of me as like unto a god.

[ aside: ] O heaven help us all. C-3PO
Already thinks himself divine, and needs
No congregation further. [ To C-3PO: ] Beep, squeak!

—Auugh!

O Lord most high and reverent, thou gold
And stainless deity, call on thy pow’rs
And godlike charms, and straight divine us all
A way beyond this situation. Aye?

Nay, Gen’ral Solo, ’tis not proper.

—Proper?
You shall for sure discover what is right
And proper, when I blast apart thy frame.

Lo, ’tis forbidden, Gen’ral Solo, for
E’en droids aren’t masters of divinity.

Thou fickle spirit! Deity or not,
I shall a spiritual experience
Enjoy as I do tear thee limb from limb.

Na goo, na goo,
Heesall na doo,
Heesall beest ill,
Ya doo, ya doo.

Pray pardon, jolly beasts. Nay, fear me not—
’Twas but a jest, for he is my old friend.

Now are we ta’en unto their simple homes—
Plain huts of wood with branches for their roofs.
A simple tribe are these, yet wise as well—
With neither guns nor lightsabers they snar’d
A pilot skill’d, a Wookiee brave and strong,
A Jedi Knight, and two most earnest droids.
’Twas quite a catch for such a humble net.
And now, like spits upon a fire we’re hung.
But what transpireth next? We’ll see anon.

My feelings are o’ercome with thoughts most dire:
They ready for a feast, but where’s the food?
Do they not know I shall a poor meal make?
No supper may be cook’d from Han’s firm flesh,
For smuggler meat is all too hard and tough.

Auugh!

E krandeh krandeh,
Thessah mandeh,
Thessah kuukah,
Gandeh, gandeh,

Ad toyum toyum,
Lessum goyum,
Nossah dootis,
Noyum, noyum.

—Prithee, tell me, droid, what did he say?

O, it is rather an embarrassment
Good Gen’ral Solo. It appears that thou
Shalt be the main course at a banquet in
My honor. I am quite asham’d, good Sir,
And promise I shall not enjoy the meal.

Auugh!

[ singing: ] A gunda gunda,
Thissa funda,
Thessa burna,
Kunda, kunda.

—Leia!

—O, my heart! My precious one!
My Leia! Now may I go up in flames,
Since I have seen thee safe and well again,
Belovèd.

—Royal Highness!

—What is this
That doth transpire here? Luke and Han bound up?

[ To Ewoks: ] Nay, do not hinder me, my newfound friends.
These goodly men are dear to me, they are
The closest that I have to family.
Pray, still your doubtful, cautious minds, and I
Shall show ye that these people mean no harm.
C-3PO, thou somehow art enthron’d,
Which doth suggest thou hast some sway o’er them.
Serve thou as translator, and tell these imps
To free our brave companions from their bonds.

[ to Teebo: ] I rooktah rooktah,
Nowyee looktah,
Lessem freeum,
Booktah, booktah.

It seemeth that thy kingly words did fall
Upon their peasant ears a little less
Than royally.

—Good 3PO, relay
To them that if they shall not heed thy words,
Thou wilt astound them with thine anger fierce,
And ply thy magic on them.

—Magic, Sir?
I know not what you mean. I have no magic!

I prithee: argue not, but tell them now.

[ to Ewoks: ] No gosh, no gosh,
I yami bosh,
I uzzee prahnkh,
E boomabosh.

O, see’st thou, Master Luke? They paid no heed,
As I suspected they would not, the brutes!

[ aside: ] Now Force, come flow within, around, above.
Raise up the droid upon his wooden throne,
And let these creatures think he is their god,
A’raging in his anger. Let them shrink
And cower in their fear, and be so mov’d
That they shall do his every command.
C-3PO lifts up above the ground
And is quite terrified to be so high.
But frighten’d as they are, they do not see
Their god is yet more petrified than they.
They scatter to and fro and up and down,
For here’s a sight they ne’er have seen before:
A being flying sans the use of wings.
O work thy power, Force, be thou my aid
And constant strong companion in our need.
Success! The creatures now are quite convinc’d,
And move with haste to free us of our bounds.
C-3PO doth lower into place,
And now we all are free—O thank the Force,
That mov’d in me so I could move the droid,
And move these creatures to release us all.