Walter Benjamin - Radio Benjamin

KASPER: Gentlemen, may I take the liberty to point out, in all sincerity: I’m no dummy. Under pressing circumstances I was unfortunately compelled to pose here as a dummy.

THE SHOOTING GALLERY OWNER ( very loudly ): Silence! This is no place for chit-chat! How dare you bring disorder into my establishment. Who are you, anyway?

KASPER ( aside ): The coast is clear. The mob has moved on.

Voices of the pursuers: He’s nowhere. Foiled again.

KASPER: I beg you, Herr Shootout Director, I just wanted to show off my skills. Take a nickel. And give me a rifle.

THE SHOOTING GALLERY OWNER: Please, be my guest.

KASPER: Do you have something with music?

THE SHOOTING GALLERY OWNER: But of course. Right here we have a little radio orchestra. If you hit the conductor, you hear the overture from the opera “Plimplamplasko or the Enchanted Monkey Prince.”

The sound of a shot, followed by the playing of a cheery music box, which is eventually drowned out by the noises of the fair.

KASPER: Everything would be just fine if only I hadn’t lost my flounder talking to that Lipsuslapsus. What do I do now? The market’s been closed for ages. Where can a guy get a fish at this hour? There’s no way I can go home to Puschi without a fish. But here’s an idea! How about it, Kasper? You’ve long been wanting to visit the zoo, now, haven’t you? Don’t think twice! One leap and we’re over the wall.

He claps his hands.

No time to lose. At the bottom of the pond we’re gonna catch ourselves a fish!

CHILDREN’S VOICES: Hey Kasper, hello, hello, can’t you hear us? Over here!

FIRST CHILD: Kasper, what are you doing here?

KASPER: Oh, good day. Hello, Hans. Well, you know, I … actually I wanted to … You know what? I came to study a little animal language.

FIRST CHILD: What? You’re here to learn language?

KASPER: No, you see … actually, I already know them all. It’s just that with the guinea pigs there are still a few words I have to learn. That’s really why I came.

FIRST CHILD: Oh, Kasper, if you know animal language, you have to come with us and tell us what all the animals are saying.

CHILDREN’S VOICES: Come with us! Come with us! First the apes! No, the rhino! No, wait! He should start with the big birds!

LITTLE GIRL: Kasper, pretty please can you come see the antelopes?

KASPER: Kids, kids, easy now. One at a time. How about we start with the foxes and wolves?

CHILDREN’S VOICES: Yes, good, let’s! Let’s!

Sound of wolves howling and foxes baying. After a pause:

CHILDREN’S VOICES: Now, Kasper, what are they saying? Tell us, Kasper!

KASPER: So, they’re saying … You want to know what they’re saying, huh? Well, they’re talking about what each of them wants done with his fur once he’s dead.

CHILDREN’S VOICES: We don’t understand, Kasper. What does that mean?

KASPER: OK, look over there. That little fox with the torn and shabby fur, he’s saying: later, when he’s dead, he’d most like to be on a soldier’s satchel going off to war.

CHILDREN’S VOICES: And the wolf over there, what’s he saying?

KASPER: That wolf? Ideally he’d like to become a doormat at a hunter’s cottage in the middle of the woods.

CHILDREN’S VOICES: And the cute little blue fox? What does he say?

KASPER: All his life he’s wished just once to meet the people from the neighborhood. Now he thinks he’d like to later become a muff that a little girl sticks her hands in.

CHILDREN’S VOICES: Next, Kasper! Over here, Kasper! To the apes! What are they saying?

Grunting sounds and children screaming.

KASPER: You have to be quiet! The language of apes is difficult.

Otherwise I can’t understand it.

FIRST CHILD: But I thought apes didn’t have any language.

VOICES OF THE OTHER CHILDREN: Quiet!

KASPER: Well, it’s a remarkable story. See that big baboon sitting up there in the tree? Right now he’s lecturing the younger apes, strictly warning them that they should always act silly when humans are around. He’s saying: the dumber you seem, the better.

FIRST CHILD: But why?

KASPER: Well, that’s what the younger apes are asking now. And you know what his answer is? If humans don’t know how smart we are, and don’t notice that we have a language of our own, then they won’t force us to work.

FIRST CHILD: And now what are they saying?

KASPER: Now they’re discussing the pros and cons of captivity. Most of them are pretty content, because they have food and playmates and a warm cage to protect them from the rain and cold.

The shrill cry of an ape.

FIRST CHILD: And the little one? What’s he saying?

KASPER: He doesn’t agree with the others. He says it would all be just fine, but he can find no comfort when here in the cage there are only apes, apes, and more apes, and an occasional human; he’d gladly give up all the apes and people for the sight of one parrot, or a giraffe, or even the tiniest butterfly.

Grunting noises.

KASPER: Did you kids hear the grunt from the orangutan over there? He’s saying that it’s a complete injustice that the butterflies have no cage in the zoo.

FIRST CHILD ( whispering ): You know something? I think he’s lying. — Kasper, what are the elephants talking about over there?

KASPER: Ah, they’re not happy because the sparrow hasn’t shown up today, and every morning he brings them news of the other animals.

FIRST CHILD: Ask him how his baby is, Kasper.

Kasper growls something, and then:

KASPER: He says today the baby has already drunk ten bottles.

THE CHILDREN: But he doesn’t have a baby. It isn’t true.

FIRST CHILD: Kasper, what are the lions roaring about?

KASPER: They’re trying to figure out what day it is.

FIRST CHILD: Ask them if they want some candies!

Kasper lets out a few screams, and then:

KASPER: Yes, very much so, they say.

THE CHILDREN: They don’t eat candies. This is a hoax. ( Louder and louder .) It’s all a hoax! Shame on you, Kasper! Boo, Kasper! Get outta here!

Whistles and cries.

THE ZOOKEEPER: These kids are out of control again today. They’re a menace, these brats. — Ah, life’s tough. — I’m just pushing my meat cart around. But since my big lion Maholy died a few weeks ago, this whole feeding round just isn’t the same. How I miss his deep and friendly roar when I would approach his cage with his evening meal! And how I miss that sparkle in his wild eyes, and the cloud of swirling sand that his tail would make as it lashed the ground of his cage. But my sorrow finds some consolation in the fact that the kind wardens have heeded my plea to have our good Maholy stuffed. At least now I’m spared the sight of his empty cage, because I can see just a little piece of his paw. We hid him way in the back there, behind the shed, so he wouldn’t fade in the sun, and seeing just that little bit of his paw makes me feel so much better. But what am I standing around here for, blabbing away? My rounds aren’t even half done.

Voices of the pursuers : Seal off the entire place! Kasper must be here in the zoo! Call the police! This time we’ll get him for sure. Hey kids, where’s Kasper?

KASPER: That awful Maulschmidt. He’s back again with his posse, and quick. I haven’t had a moment’s peace since that business with the radio. What do I do now? Hang on! What’s that there? The lion cage. Didn’t Puschi say to me just yesterday that they’ve got a stuffed lion in there? Stuffed or alive, anything’s better than having those louts on my heels. Be brave, Kasper, get in there and close the door behind you!