Walter Benjamin - Radio Benjamin

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: If you get stuck, I’ll head right down to the cafeteria and get you a tall one.

KASPER: That would be just fine. Now seems to me the perfect moment. ( He clears his throat .) You miserable wretch, you! Sorry creature! You hear me? Who bought you to play the snitch? Just as I was sitting pretty. There’ll be payback, my friend. You cursed lout, you scum! Lemme get my hands on you just once! I got something for you that’ll suit you just fine—

A telephone rings.

Woman’s voice: Long distance service. Yes, sir. I’ll connect you.

New voice: Putzingen police. Is that the radio station?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Oh my! Switch it off! Disconnect! Kasper, the menace, the rascal. I turn my back for just a second … Herr Mittmann! Herr Gericke! Get him! Get him! Dead or alive, I must have him, that Kasper.

Sounds of doors slamming, things breaking. Another telephone rings. Cars honking.

Shouts: That way! Around the corner!

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: He’s gone, but we’ll get him. That’ll be a laugh.

Pause.

KASPER: Whew! That’ll leave you gasping for air. Thank heavens I found a peaceful, out-of-the-way place to rest. Finally I can have a breather. A breather? Well put, Kasper. I gotta high-tail it for home. It’s a miracle I’ve still got the fish. And Puschi, she must be starving by now. No, really, I gotta hop the fast train. ( He repeats in a pondering tone. ) Train, train, train … Just as I say it, there it is. And that’s the station. Damn. Damn. Half past two. The train to Tuntenbühl must be leaving soon. Let’s have a look at who all’s going to Tuntenbühl today.

We hear commotion and the patter of feet.

What’s all that scampering? Someone’s scared to miss the train. And now here comes a whole slew of people? And I know that guy leading the pack. Why, if it isn’t Herr Maulschmidt himself.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Hey! Hey! That’s him, walking over there. That’s just like him, off to Munich and then out of sight.

Other voices: But this time we’ve got him. We’re gonna nab him. Let’s make tracks!

KASPER: This is looking a bit dicey to me. If I knew my way around the station, I could surely hide away somewhere. I’ll have a look at the luggage lockers.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And check under the bags to make sure he hasn’t holed up in there.

KASPER: Alas, not much hope with the luggage. How about the waiting area?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And you, Herr Gericke, go to the waiting room! And look under all the tables!

KASPER: Not much luck in the waiting room either. The best would be if I stood here behind these columns.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And you, Herr Mittmann, look behind all the columns!

KASPER: I’ve whistled my last tune.

The whistle of a locomotive.

KASPER: I’ve really blown it. How about if we try knocking? Maybe this glass door will help?

He knocks.

KASPER: No answer.

He knocks harder, everything remains quiet. We hear the sound of a creaking door.

KASPER: The people in this station are so nice. They don’t even lock the doors.

Pause.

Hey, what’s this cap here on the table? A beautiful red cap with a visor. Just like the one Xaverl had, the station master in Hutzelheim. — That cap doesn’t look so bad on you, Kasper. If only they cleaned the mirrors. And that beautiful stick lying on the table, we’d like to take that along as well. Kasper, the teacher always used to say, you need the stick more than anyone.

Again, voices of the pursuers : Kasper’s gone. Vanished. Must be on the train. But this time he won’t get away.

Noises of the train station.

THE STATION MASTER: My cap, my cap! Has anyone seen my cap? Just have a little patience, it’s sure to turn up. Thank God there’s still ten minutes until I have to announce the departure.

KASPER: All aboard!

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What? We’re leaving already? Herr Gericke, have you found Kasper?

HERR GERICKE: I’ll go now and search the café car. If he’s not there, we’ll have to get off the train again fast.

KASPER: The train is leaving the station!

We hear the whistle of the locomotive and the sound of the train pulling away.

KASPER: So, the coast is clear. What do we say to a little relaxation, Herr Kasper, how about a leisurely stroll? — A fine idea. — That’s nice. I knew it, I always agree with myself. It’s not every day you find someone who always agrees with you. So I’ll take this opportunity to talk with myself a bit more. Beautiful weather we’re having, Kasper, isn’t it?—

The answers are always from the same speaker, but in a deeper voice.

— Very beautiful.

— I wouldn’t have thought so after such a foggy morning. Would you?

— It would never have occurred to me that today would become so beautiful.

— You see, I was just thinking to myself that you were not thinking that.

— And I was just thinking to myself that you were just thinking that I would never have thought that.

— What, are you making fun of me?

— Who do you think you are? I have one thing to say to you.

For a long time now I’ve been fed up with always agreeing with myself.

— You’re getting a slap. One, two, three.

The sound of someone being smacked. The same voice that just spoke cries:

Ow! — That slap I just gave myself? It’s not good to argue with yourself. Be sensible, Kasper, and just listen to the music coming from over there.

Noises from the fair. From the sounds of the barrel organ, the voices of the criers and the bells of the carousel, the voice of a Chinese food seller stands out. He is delivering his pitch as an elaborate performance with a discreet musical accompaniment of flutes and castanets.

THE FOOD SELLER: I’m a Chinese food seller. I come from China. I haven’t made much of myself since I was a child. But now I have a wine and food store at the fair. I’m not after profits or loss, only the happiness of my customers. I’ve got all kinds of food here. Listen up and I’ll tell you what I have: chicken boiled in water, meat dumplings baked in oil, hard and crispy and sprinkled with lots of sugar, smoked ham, sea cucumbers, swallow’s nests, large pieces of mutton with five different delicious spices; and then there’s the rice dishes. You want rice or flour? If you want dishes with flour, I can make those, too. There’s also dry rice, and when you’re done eating, I’ll give you a cup of tea. — Dear customers, whether you’ve got money or not, step right on up. Just leave a piece of clothing for deposit and I’ll write you a bill.

KASPER: Oh my, I’ve been dying for that for ages. Finally, Chinese food. But the Chinese eat rotten eggs and earthworms. Mister cook, please take my cap. And for that I’d like a great meal of Chinese wedding food.

THE FOOD SELLER: My dear man, I can’t take your cap. The cap you have there is worn neither in Europe nor China. And as far as I’ve traveled the world, I’ve never before seen a cap with bells.

KASPER: No hard feelings, old pal, you can also take my jacket for a meal of great Chinese food.

THE FOOD SELLER: Sure, but don’t you see my sign hanging there?

We don’t take things that have been patched.

KASPER: Then you’ll get something you’re sure to take.

THE FOOD SELLER: And what would that be, sir?

A cracking sound.

KASPER: A slap.

THE FOOD SELLER ( breaking into a long elaborate wail ): Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

KASPER: Such a beautiful language, Chinese.

We hear the bells of the carousel.

Excuse me, I just wanted to ask how much a ride costs.