Walter Benjamin - Radio Benjamin

Dramatis personae

KASPER

HERR MAULSCHMIDT, RADIO MAN 1

FOOD SELLER

CAROUSEL MAN

BOOTH OWNER

SHOOTING GALLERY MAN

LION KEEPER

PUSCHI, KASPER’S WIFE

Also with

HERR MITTMANN AND HERR GERICKE FROM THE RADIO STATION

TRAIN STATION MASTER

LIPSUSLAPSUS, A SPIRIT

THE FIRST AND SECOND SHOOTER

CHILDREN AND ANIMALS

The sound of whistles and horns from a ship.

KASPER: Sure is a foggy morning. More horns.

KASPER: They’re trying to break our eardrums with that racket. But it’s not easy going for ships in this fog. Just today my wife Puschi sent me to the market. She wants a flounder, a flounder eight centimeters long. Can’t forget that. And it’s gotta be fatter than last time. Eight centimeters, by golly, and I forgot my tape measure at home — I’d just got to the market. The market, where is it anyway? Yikes, I pretty near marched right into the water with all this fog. You can’t see a thing. — But if you can’t see anything, how do I see the fog? It seems to me, you can’t even see the fog on account of all the fog. — Do I see the fog or don’t I! — If I can’t see it then I must be seeing somethin’ else. — And if I do see it, then I see it, and it can’t be foggy.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Darn it all! Can’t you just open your eyes? Do you have to barrel into people?

KASPER: How can I barrel into people? I can’t even find ’em in this fog.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: That’s an interesting take, YOU knock ME in the belly and YOU get cross!

KASPER: Why don’t you buy a foghorn like the other guys? Another horn from a ship.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Is there something wrong with you?

KASPER: Just open your ears! Can’t you hear the man blowing his horn? That’ll stop it from happening.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: You must be out of your mind. That was a steamboat.

KASPER: For all I care, you can jump in the water too, old pal.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Who are you anyway? You impertinent fellow!

KASPER: Pardon me, but to whom do I have the honor of introducing myself?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Maulschmidt.

KASPER: Come again?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Maulschmidt.

KASPER: I have to ask, old pal, how do you smith a mouth? I thought at best they were stuffed.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: You scoundrel, you! I’m not a mouth-smith, it’s my name.

KASPER: Sure, old pal, but I just asked who you were.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What do you think you are?

KASPER: What you are, who you are, now I don’t give a damn.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: How dare you say such a thing! I’m an upright person.

KASPER: For an uptight person, you seem pretty loose to me.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: I don’t intend to waste my time with you any longer. March! Give me your name and then it’s off to the precinct with you! Now listen, buster, where do you come from?

KASPER: I come from my native country.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And how do you write the name of this country?

KASPER: It’s written with ink on paper.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Enough, my patience is wearing thin. Will you tell me your name, or won’t you?

KASPER: If it weren’t so foggy, old pal, you’d know it by now.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What’s that supposed to mean? Do you wear your name painted on your chest?

KASPER: No sir, but I have a colorful skirt.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: So you’re a soldier, are you?

KASPER: Not exactly. — But you know what, old pal, I’ll let you guess my name.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: How can I guess your name? This is monkey business.

KASPER: Hang on, old pal. Here it is, for last names I write Spar. And my first name starts with a K.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Your first name I don’t care to know. So let’s go, off to the precinct, Mr. Spar!

KASPER: So take him in. I’m not Mr. Spar.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Rogue! But you just said you were.

KASPER: But you do need my first name.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: This is a devilish game. ( Spoken with increasing excitement, and finally as a joyful cry of discovery. ) Kay Spar … Kas-par … Kasper!!!

KASPER: Bravo, old pal, I’m Kasper indeed.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What luck, Kasper! This is truly a happy day. I’ve been looking for you for quite some time.

KASPER: You were looking for me, old pal? Whatever for?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Kasper, I have to tell you a happy little secret: I’m actually a radio announcer.

KASPER: Well, well, you don’t say!

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: And for a long time it’s been my goal to place you, Kasper, the age-old and famous friend of children, in front of the microphone.

KASPER: That ain’t gonna happen.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: What’s that, Kasper? Do I hear you correctly? You’d turn down the exalted and solemn honor of speaking on the radio?

KASPER: You bet!

MERR MAULSCHMIDT: But why?

KASPER: You know, old pal, if you really wanna know, I can tell you.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Oh Kasper, do tell!

KASPER: But do I understand you correctly, old pal? You’re in radio?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Most certainly.

KASPER: You know, with all those sparks [ Funken ] flying around [rund], I might try to catch one and then I’d catch fire myself. 2

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Kasper, you don’t even know what radio is. Stick close to me and I’m sure you’ll get a better sense of what it’s about.

KASPER: Let me think about it on the way. Street noise.

KASPER ( after a while ): See this iron fence? The one we’re walking along? I wanna count the stakes.

The sound of him striking each of the stakes.

KASPER: I’ll speak — I won’t speak — speak — won’t speak — speak — won’t speak — speak — won’t speak — speak — won’t speak — speak.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Look around you, Kasper, we’ve arrived!

KASPER: Huh? This ugly box?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: The Radio Palace.

KASPER: There must be more windows than you can count. Is that where they’re locked up and forced to hear radio?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Follow me, Kasper, and I’ll explain everything to you.

Pause.

KASPER ( softly ): So much quiet makes me uneasy.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Shhh, you’re not allowed to speak here.

KASPER: I thought you brought me here to speak.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: In here, Kasper!

KASPER: Funny place. What are all these cages for? Do you keep mice in there?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Those are the microphones, Kasper. You’re now about to speak into such a microphone.

KASPER: Then what happens?

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Then people hear you all over the world.

KASPER: Even in Putzingen? ( Aside. ) That’s where Seppl lives, I’ve wanted to give him a piece of my mind for some time.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Of course, now we’ll switch it on.

KASPER: If I had my druthers, I’d like to listen for a bit first.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Certainly, Kasper, with pleasure. Dresden, Posen, Brno, Milan, Brussels, Kassel, Linz, London, Vienna, Riga, Breslau — whatever you want. Just turn this knob and then you hear it!

Good Lord, Kasper, not like that!

We hear a minute of fading noises.

KASPER: It seems to me it’s all the same. It’s a mess. ( More fading noises. ) This is a wreck, I can’t make anything out.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: Herr Mittmann, Herr Gericke, come quick! Switch it on. Kasper’s speaking.

KASPER: Now Seppl in Putzingen is hearing this.

HERR MAULSCHMIDT: I should think so. — Everything ready, Herr Mittmann?

Voices: Quiet, Kasper’s speaking.

KASPER: If only it weren’t so far, I’d be in Putzingen now, where I’d wet my whistle so Seppl would hear me loud and clear.