Walter Benjamin - Radio Benjamin

THE CAROUSEL MAN: One ride costs five cents.

KASPER: And then afterward I can get out?

THE CAROUSEL MAN: Of course, then you have to get out.

KASPER: But if I sit in a ship …

THE CAROUSEL MAN:… you still have to get out.

KASPER: But if I’m on an elephant, I can stay?

THE CAROUSEL MAN: If you pay for two rides.

KASPER: But then I’ll really not want to get out.

THE CAROUSEL MAN: So how long do you want to ride?

KASPER: I was thinking an hour or so.

The occasional sound of carousel music and bells ringing.

THE CAROUSEL MAN: Then you have to take nine tickets.

KASPER: And how much would that cost, old pal?

THE CAROUSEL MAN: I reckon that’d cost nine times five cents.

KASPER ( pausing, a bit baffled ): So it would, old pal, so it would.

THE CAROUSEL MAN: So, what don’t you get?

KASPER: I just wanna write it out.

THE CAROUSEL MAN: Please, be my guest.

KASPER: How would I go about starting to write that, old pal?

THE CAROUSEL MAN ( impatient ): Five times nine is forty-five. Right?

KASPER ( slowly ): Forty-five, I’m writing it down, starting with an F.

THE CAROUSEL MAN: Go ahead and just write “4” and “5.”

KASPER: Sure, four, I know how to write that.

THE CAROUSEL MAN: Here you go, let me tell you how: a line from top to bottom, then one from left to right, and then one more from top to bottom makes 4.

KASPER: Makes three.

THE CAROUSEL MAN: Makes four.

KASPER: Makes three.

The exchange of words accelerates. Kasper counts off: One line, and then another line, and then another makes three. — Makes four. ( Etc. )

THE CAROUSEL MAN: But I’m telling you, it’s a four. Didn’t you learn anything in school?

KASPER: It may suit you to make fun of people. First you say one line, then you say another, and then finally a third. That makes three. And you’re about to see how that makes three.

The sound of three slaps to the face.

One slap, and then another slap, and then another slap. That makes three slaps. And with that we conclude our counting.

The exchange devolves into a brawl. After a pause:

KASPER: I don’t like the carousel any more. Instead, let’s listen to what we have next door.

The voice of a booth owner is heard over the sounds of the fair.

THE BOOTH OWNER: Treasured guests, gather round! Ladies and gentlemen, step right up! What does this tent say to you, my honored listeners? Do you imagine something upon looking at my modest hut? And please, ladies and gentlemen, don’t mistake it for the infamous swindle booths you see around you. Because this, ladies and gentlemen, this simple tent houses the earthly presence of the supernatural spirit Lipsuslapsus, the invisible, all-knowing, and great magician who will have the honor and pleasure of predicting your precious and happy future. Ask his advice, ladies and gentlemen, and Lipsuslapsus will discover lost objects, teach you foreign languages while you sleep, explain your dreams, and do your schoolwork.

KASPER: For years I’ve wanted to lead a more honorable life. Maybe this invisible spirit can help me.

THE BOOTH OWNER: Bravo, young man! Be certain he can help you. To the left, please, enter to the left! And please, don’t forget your twenty cents for my humble tent.

Pause.

KASPER ( softly ): It’s a bit damp in here. Actually, it feels more like a basement. I’m beginning to feel a bit uneasy, but I think I have to check it out.

The following play of echoes should be enacted with ceremony and solemnity. The answers especially must seem as if echoes from afar.

KASPER: If you would be so kind, Lipsuslapsus, I have questions about my future that I would like to ask.

LIPSUSLAPSUS ( the echo ): Ask!

KASPER: What should I do with my life so that later on I will regret nothing?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Nothing!

KASPER: How do I begin to assess my abilities?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Tease!

KASPER: Should I not perhaps study philosophy? For what is a man without wisdom?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Dumb!

KASPER: But that’s a difficult life. Can you live just from the things you know?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: No!

KASPER: So I need to find a lucrative line of work?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Work!

KASPER: The law is a tough road. I’m not sure I would pass.

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Pass!

KASPER: I think becoming a doctor would be fruitful.

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Fool!

KASPER: You don’t think medicine would be a decent life course?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Of course!

KASPER: With not too much pressure?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Sure!

KASPER: Perfect. Is there nothing about life that a doctor doesn’t enjoy?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Joy!

KASPER: Then I’ll be a statesman. Do you have anything to say against diplomacy?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Messy!

KASPER: Right you are, Lipsuslapsus, many more capable men have had little success.

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Yes!

KASPER: So I guess I’ll find a rich widow.

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Uh-oh!

KASPER: But then I’d have money. What’s stopping me from being fulfilled?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Guilt!

KASPER: Then what should I do to make money with merit?

LIPSUSLAPSUS: Inherit!

KASPER ( By his tone of voice and from the background noise, it’s clear that he’s left the tent.): This spirit is no help at all. That just wasn’t right. I’ve got a hunch, in fact I believe it was the booth guy. I’d like to knock his spirit for a loop.

Again, the voices of the pursuers:

FIRST VOICE: I just saw him whizz by, Herr Maulschmidt.

SECOND VOICE: This time we’ll get that scoundrel.

Other voices: To the left, Herr Mittmann! And you cut him off from the right! Quick, Herr Gericke! Look! There he goes!

Shots are heard.

VOICE OF THE SHOOTING GALLERY OWNER: Here, here, gents, step right up, ladies and gentlemen! I’m offering you a one-time chance to put the world to rights with a single shot. Please have a gander at my tableau here, where you’ll see original human dummies and other wonders: this father here, hit him on the bull’s-eye and just like that, he kicks into motion this little cradle where his youngest babe is asleep. And at back right, the violinist: hit him square on and he starts to play the fiddle, the sight and sound of which defies description. And have you seen the Moor behind the locked gate? Shoot him in the pinky toe, gentlemen, and watch the gate spring open in front of your unbelieving eyes to reveal the inside of the sultan’s palace in all its splendor and glory. But, gentlemen, if you want to do a noble deed and free a prisoner from the dungeon, you just have to hit his dungeon window and in a trice he’s out and about. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the eighth wonder of the world, Doctor Crackbang’s world-famous shooting gallery.

The speech is interrupted by more rumbling voices of the pursuers. — Now and again we hear the sound of shots, as during the speech by the shooting gallery owner.

FIRST SHOOTER: Okay, Gustav, I’m aiming at the bear. He dances when you hit him.

SECOND SHOOTER: Hey, wait a sec, that one in the back is swell. I’ve never seen one like that in a booth.

FIRST SHOOTER: And he looks so real. I’d swear he wasn’t painted.

SECOND SHOOTER: I just can’t find the bull’s eye we have to shoot at.

FIRST SHOOTER: But wait, Gustav, what do you think he’ll do if you hit him?

SECOND SHOOTER: Well, we’re about find out.

The sound of the gun being cocked.

KASPER: Mercy, gentlemen. Please don’t shoot. Take pity on old Kasper.

FIRST SHOOTER: Well, you don’t say! The dummy can talk.