Matthew Vincent - [you] Ruined It for Everyone!

The fact is, plastic packaging sucks. I am referring to the vacuum-sealed clamshell kind. You know the type, the one that appears to be superglued around all the edges, making it nearly impossible to extract what’s inside.

This near-lethal packaging puts about six thousand Americans in the emergency room every year with sliced arteries and dangling fingers in critical need of stitches. With seasonal gift giving, a noticeable spike in emergency room visits occurs around Christmastime.

Prior to opening these packages, you should consider calling the fire department for assistance, because you need nothing less than the Jaws of Life to break into the casing. If you do it yourself, you may still be speed-dialing emergency services after you sever your finger with a utility knife.

Apparently this type of packaging reduces theft. Whoop-de-fuckin’-doo! Get some magnetic buzzers like everyone else. It is dangerous, consumers hate it, and the additional plastic is certainly not helping our environment.

And if anyone finds out who invented this shit, let me know.

For letting a guilty man walk free.

On July 22, 1994, O.J. Simpson answered the question “How do you plead?” at his arraignment with “Absolutely 100 percent not guilty, your honor.” The prosecution thought it had substantial evidence to convict the ex-football hero. But after months of drama, the trial ended. Half of all Americans watched live to hear the verdict agree with Simpson’s original not-guilty plea. The rest of the world was dumbfounded.

Over a year later, a civil trial jury unanimously found O.J. liable for the wrongful deaths of Goldman and Brown. He was ordered to pay $33 million in damages.

It is estimated that you have better than a two-to-one chance of getting away with murder. So if you are looking for a little extra shove to snuff out that irksome spouse, and you have the bankroll for first-rate counsel, the odds are scarily favorable for you to get away with murder. Just make sure you do it in America, where your chance is about 58 percent. Your odds to dodge a conviction in other countries are less favorable: Britain, 26 percent; Russia, 10 percent; China, 2 percent; and Japan, 0.03 percent.

Where did they find this jury anyway? Pardons “R” Us? After the verdict was read, I was waiting for the Candid Camera crew to reveal themselves. But they never did. What seemed an impossible Hail Mary pass ended in a shocking home-team defeat. Perhaps the jury was hypnotically dazzled by the overly catchy lawyer’s rhyme: “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

And, of course, we have the lawyers to point fingers at. What can I say? (No—really—what can I say without being sued?) Anyway, we learned that with a flawed system and lots of cash, the power of self-preservation should never be underestimated. So remember the odds if you have a taste for blood. I guess the question is, “Do you feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?

Luckily, karma came around to right the wrong with O.J.’s Vegas robbery verdict.

For ruining a good time.

Live music is one of my personal passions. The anticipation of lights dimming and that initial uproar of the crowd cheering in unison are unparalleled. The first riff gives me goose bumps. The experience can be exhilarating for many. Unfortunately, it’s usually ruined by some annoying jerkwad.

The guy who just won’t sit down in his seat ruins the concert experience. Let’s get one thing straight: Concerts only have two options in regards to seating. One is an actual seat. The other is no seat at all; it’s just general admission, standing room only. In the case of the latter, it’s okay to stand, jump up and down, bump into people, rush the stage, and even crowd-surf. However, if you paid for a seat, USE IT. Stand up for the first couple songs, showing your support while waving your arms, and then sit the fuck down. You are being irritating and you’re pissing off everyone behind you. This type of behavior is unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated.

Other guys (and girls) that make the concertgoing experience less than enjoyable:

• Guy too drunk and belligerent at a concert. (Just pass out already.)

• Guy throwing bottles at a concert. (Great idea, dipshit.)

• Guy singing too loudly at a concert. (Sing, just not louder than the band.)

• Girl screeching when her favorite song starts at a concert. (Please stop.)

• Guy wearing a T-shirt of the band he is seeing at a concert. (Don’t be that guy.)

For making it a sin to own a gerbil.

America. The land of gossip, rumors, and dirty laundry. Our constant craving for celebrity mischief is overwhelming. Especially if it’s of a sexual nature. The paparazzi continually serve it up fresh, and we keep gorging.

As rumors go, this is a doozy… The allegation goes that Richard Gere supposedly went to the emergency room with a foreign object lodged up his rectum in 1993. An X-ray was taken and the object in question was revealed to be a gerbil. He was then rushed into surgery, where the top surgeons in Los Angeles extracted the asphyxiated rodent.

Okay, I admit it, we had a few gerbils and hamsters when we were children. However, thanks to Richard, it is very embarrassing to admit. So yeah, I may have spun poor Peattie on the ottoman until he was dizzy—but I NEVER partook in rodent ramming.

So who is really to blame for this nonsense? Some say Gere’s nemesis Sylvester Stallone. Apparently, they rubbed each other the wrong way during a lunch break while on the set of some crappy movie. They were in a car and Gere was responsible for some greasy mustard dribbling on Sly’s thigh. It’s unclear if the grease penetrated Stallone’s pants, but there must have been some dry cleaning involved. It came to be a fight, with the officer and (so-called) gentleman getting Stallone kicked off the movie’s set.

Quite frankly, Mr. Gere only made matters worse: He never denied the gerbil claim when it was alleged. But mostly, it was the public’s fault for wanting to believe such an intrusive rumor. Either way, if you own a gerbil, make sure you “hide” it before your friends arrive, NOT while they’re there.

For inventing sunless tanning lotion.

Soaking up the sun used to be great. You got a nice golden-brown skin tone and acquired more than a daily dose of vitamin D. Unfortunately, after many years of studies, we found out that excessive sun exposure is linked to skin cancer. So what do we do to compensate? We use sunblock to enjoy a carefree time under the sun. Unfortunately, instances of skin cancer are not declining. Recent studies are suggesting agents in sun protection lotion may be causing cancer as well. I know, I know—damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.