Matthew Vincent - [you] Ruined It for Everyone!

The Skin Cancer Foundation estimates that more than six hundred thousand new cases of skin cancer arise each year. Is there a way to avoid the sun and still be tan? One solution is to apply brown shoe polish liberally. The other is sunless tanning cream. However, beware of misuse, as you may be forced to join the comedy circuit with Carrot Top.

Coppertone invented sunless tanning lotion. The company’s scientists must have secretly added a chemical to its sunless ointment that causes color-blindness (similar to beer goggles). This must be why people think they look good after using it. TAKE OFF your shady spectacles. It’s not a Caribbean tan, you’re ORANGE! In case you were wondering, humans are NOT inherently pumpkin-colored. But if you still wish for a sunless tanned physique, and you aren’t expecting an Oscar win (yeah, we are talkin’ about you, Charlize), you can always give it a try.

Be realistic when it comes to skin cancer protection. Pretending you are a vampire is not the solution. Turning yourself into bunny food isn’t recommended either. Go play in the sun with some applied SPF and try to avoid using Crisco as a tanning accelerant. Just don’t go to extremes. Here’s a helpful mental chart to follow: If the sun gives you blisters, or if self-bronzer turns you into a Cheeto, then you’ve gone overboard. Use common sense: Too much of anything is bad.

For you know what.

Usually, everyone’s life trots along at a steady pace. There may be slight ups and subtle downs that you have control over. And we have to admit, in the heat of the moment, most seemingly significant choices are actually minuscule in the grand scheme of things. Typically, what defines our integrity and character is just a handful of split second decisions. These decisions can make or break us, and sometimes… it can affect the masses. And yet the right choice always seemed so clearly black and white in hindsight. Or, in BP’s eyes, just black. Black for the oil they leaked, black in their neglect, and black for the human and environmental casualties they caused.

I could talk all day about blowout preventers, bad legislation, Minerals Management Service, greedy oil supermajors, Transocean, Halliburton, and a slimy yacht racing CEO. But I am not going to bore you with the details—you already know it’s a catastrophic headache that even a tanker-sized Tylenol can’t cure. So let’s focus on the root of the crude mess in America’s gulf. Whose decision was it? When was the moment? And what the fuck? Well, it was BP—it was clearly when they gave priority to profits in lieu of safety—and obviously, it’s because they are affiliated with Satan.

As it turns out, this is another one of those, “How did we not see this thing coming?” moments. Not only is BP really terrific at filling up the gulf with hazardous sludge, but they are also really crafty at breaking safety records and paying fines to avoid criminal prosecution. During the past few years, OSHA slapped BP with 760, of what they call, “egregious and willful” safety violations. Whereas Sunoco, Conoco-Phillips, Citgo, and Exxon only had 19 combined. And remember, these oil giants weren’t exactly at the top of Mother Theresa’s holiday mailing list either.

So if you see something dark brown floating in the water, I’ll bet you some black gold that you’re either in a Bill Murray movie or you’re sitting on a beach in the Gulf of Mexico. Be sure to thank BP for skimping on the ounce of prevention that could have been worth barrels of cure.

For being so valuable.

In China, girls rule and boys duel. Here’s the problem: In 1979, Chinese ruler Deng Xiaoping introduced the one-child policy because his country’s population was growing out of control. The law stayed in effect for thirty years. Essentially, the Chinese government would punish couples with ridiculous fines for having more than one child. It even forced sterilization or IUD insertion after a mother had her first child. What was the fallout? For every one hundred girls born, there were one hundred and twenty boys born. The problem was that most Chinese couples preferred boys and went to great lengths to have one.

So why are there so many extra Y chromosomes in the communist nation? Don’t ask, ’cause you really don’t want to know. But I can tell you that now ultrasounds are illegal in China. You can still get one in some cases, but the doctors won’t tell you the baby’s sex. Also, two doctors must be present during the procedure, and everyone is watched on closed-circuit TV. Say cheese!

So what makes boys so valuable in China? Isn’t the song called “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”? You see, birthing a son allows a couple to carry the family legacy. But even more, bearing a boy is the parents’ retirement plan. It’s expected that male children will support their parents in old age. That makes sense… nobody wants to end up in a rest home (see RIFE №080).

What does all of this mean? Well, right now there are thirty-two million more boys than girls under the age of twenty in China. And those boys will need brides (or at least some action). But they aren’t going to be finding it… Enter the crime scene. Some Chinese parents and criminals go to unthinkable lengths to profit from this bad situation. Boys are kidnapped and sold to sonless parents. Girls are sold overseas or kidnapped, raised, and forced into marriage. And soon there will be an excessive imbalance of elderly people needing support. And all these poor boys will be competing over a few higher-paying jobs and even fewer women. I hope China has a plan for this mess. If not, the government better start drafting for Catholic priesthood and give serious tax rebates for gay marriages.

For being a greedy CEO.

If the three magic words in real estate are “location,” “location,” and “location,” then the magic words in corporate America must be “greed,” “greed,” and “greed.”

Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. was a worldwide financial services firm founded in 1850. If it involved money, banking, or lending, Lehman was doing it—and doing it with a vengeance. The financial company had been on the express train until its startling demise in 2008, when it fell limp.

Dick Fuld was the last chairman and CEO of Lehman Brothers. This pud rammed a hundred-and-fifty-year-old company into the ground because of his gluttonous greed. During his fourteen years of leading Lehman to bankruptcy, his total compensation was around $500 million.

Dick, you certainly live up to your name. You really ruined it for everyone. You got fat stacks while at the same time dicking over your company—not to mention giving the shaft to America’s economy. This peckerhead promoted subprime mortgages to unqualified borrowers, and then spooged out even more money by turning the risky debt into bonds. These sketchy debts went sour and brought the world to its knee pads. Pricks like Dick have led the world to financial disaster, and they’re the reason the U.S. dollar isn’t worth a single square of toilet paper.