Matthew Vincent - [you] Ruined It for Everyone!

Unfortunately, Ramos gave a great art form a bad name.

Luckily, Chaka has been out of the limelight for a while. However, he resurfaced to do an art show in Los Angeles in April 2009. I just hope he keeps his paint on the canvas this time. And by the way, I hope Chaka doesn’t leave his art unattended in the wee hours of the night…

For robbing us of John Lennon.

On December 8, 1980, Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon three times in the back and once in the shoulder. This bloody display happened outside of Lennon’s New York apartment late in the evening. One of the bullets pierced Lennon’s aorta, resulting in severe blood loss. Police officers rushed him to the hospital in their cruiser. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on arrival.

After Chapman shot Lennon, he stayed at the scene, pulled out his copy of The Catcher in the Rye , and waited for the police to arrive. He was willingly apprehended. Later, at the station, he actually told the police, “I’m sure the large part of me is Holden Caulfield, who is the main person in the book, the small part of me must be the devil.” (Yeah, I don’t know what that means either… I think the book’s a good read, but it doesn’t cause demonic possession!)

Chapman was sentenced to twenty years to life. He has been denied parole five times.

Mark Chapman shocked the world with his ungodly actions. Not only did he destroy a rock legend, he also assassinated an icon for peace. John Lennon used his fame wisely to promote social change and hope. His antiwar message prompted the era’s younger generation to be active and aware of the world around them. John Lennon’s ideals will live on in his music, even if we’re forced to soldier on without him.

In 2008, Chapman gave an interview and admitted he was sorry for shooting Lennon. He said he was feeling like a “nobody” and just wanted to be something other than that. Well, congratulations, you got your wish. The next time you need attention, try setting yourself on fire.

For giving us our dumbest president.

Katherine Harris was Florida’s secretary of state and a key figure in the controversial 2000 U.S. presidential election between Al Gore and George W. Bush. It was initially thought that Bush won by a large margin. However, much to the dismay of Fox News, the actual results ended up much closer. Bush had only won by a handful of votes and this triggered recount hysteria.

Everyone waited anxiously to see who would be awarded the presidency. During the process, we found out that Harris had many ballots tossed out due to voter error and inferior counting machinery. She also unjustly denied voter registration to thousands prior to the election (most of whom were Democrats). In an effort to disrupt the recount, Katherine halted attempts at hand recounts, which led to her being challenged in court. At first she was victorious, but then the Florida Supreme Court overturned the ruling. After that, the U.S. Supreme Court stuck its judicial nose into the fiasco and stopped the recount again. It ruled in favor of Gore for a continued recount but, ironically, decided that time had run out and declared Bush the victor.

The whole event was a debacle. Essentially, the frequent starting and stopping of the recount process did not allow adequate time to finish the task. After five weeks of edge-of-your-seat drama, we had a schmuck president-elect named George. (Despite losing the electoral college vote, Al Gore still won the popular vote.)

Katherine, you signed an oath to uphold the Constitution, but apparently autographed it with only twelve-hour lipstick. You screwed us. George W. Bush would’ve never been elected president if the recount had been fair. So it’s your fault we went to war with Iraq, had all of our phones illegally tapped, federal prosecutors were unjustly fired, oil prices quadrupled, and the whole world ended up in a recession. Not to mention we would’ve probably found a cure for cancer by allowing stem cell research and bin Laden would more than likely be a greasy spot on some missile head by now. Hope your loyalty was worth it. Shame on you! There’s an old saying in Florida that goes, “Fool voters once, shame on… shame on you. Fool voters… you can’t get fooled again, Florida.”

For making girls bitter.

The Barbie doll was invented in 1959 by Ruth Handler. Ruth was a cofounder of Mattel and named the doll after her own daughter. She noticed that most dolls were infants and felt that it was time for a change. The invention was simple: a grown-up doll for children to play with. Barbie was an instant success.

Barbie’s supposed to be a “real” woman, but, besides having no nipples, her measurements originally were 39-18-33 (bow-chicka-wow-wow). This sparked much controversy with critics, their argument being that Barbie was modeled after an “adult” toy, and the measurements were based on male fantasy. Barbie’s bust and hips were later adjusted due to criticism. However, the proportions are still impractical and will set you back about thirty-five grand in plastic surgery.

Mrs. Handler is responsible for crushing prepubescent aspirations. Barbie’s measurements create unrealistic expectations for young girls to live up to. Ruth claimed that Barbie’s busty bosom would build up a girl’s self-assurance. However, since it is physically impossible to have these measurements, it actually has a negative effect on a girl’s self-esteem. Don’t worry, boys: I hear there are talks of reducing Ken’s bulge size as well.

Come on, Ruth! The world is superficial enough. We don’t need to encourage little Jane’s bulimia and boob job, nor to promote young Billy’s steroid use and penis pump.

Ruth Handler was not all bad. Ironically, after she had breast cancer and a mastectomy, she invented a prosthetic breast called the Nearly Me. Many breast cancer victims found relief in the prosthesis, as it matched the weight and density of a natural breast. Karma’s a bitch, but we forgive you.

For actually being a cheetah!

Prior to November 2009, if Tiger Woods stood on a roof and shouted down to fans, “I am a golden god,” nobody would have disputed it—not even Tiger. And why not? Woods has won fourteen major golf championships, is the youngest to achieve the career grand slam, and has held the No. 1 position longer than any other golfer. Oh, and he made more money than any other athlete in 2008—$110 million.

Believe it or not, Mr. Woods originally made it into this book “for not letting anyone else win”! It was a lighthearted story that crowned my (ex-)sports hero king of golf and applauded him for being an all-around swell guy. But NO—what we get instead is a strange car accident involving a tree, a fire hydrant, and a nine iron. And then WHOA Nelly—and Rachel… and Kalika… and Mindy… and Jamie… and another one named Jamiee… and Cori… and Holly… and Joslyn…