Matthew Norman - You Cannot Be Serious! - The 101 Most Frustrating Things in Sport

You Cannot Be Serious!

The 101 Most Infuriating Things in Sport

MATTHEW NORMAN

To Rebecca and Louis, implacable enemies of sport in all its myriad guises

Cover

Title Page You Cannot Be Serious! The 101 Most Infuriating Things in Sport MATTHEW NORMAN

Introduction

101 - Roger Federer

100 - Neville Neville

99 - Adolf Hitler

98 - Simon Barnes

97 - The Argentine Polo Player

96 - Blake Aldridge

95 - Peter Fleming

94 - Tony Green

93 - Frank Warren

92 - Graeme Souness

91 - Kriss Akabusi

90 - Ronnie O’Sullivan

89 - Pelé

88 - Brian Barwick

87 - Sledging

86 - Graham Poll

85 - Pat Cash

84 - Richard Keys

83 - Harold ‘Dickie’ Bird

82 - Mervyn King

81 - Virtual Racing

80 - Alastair Campbell

79 - The Vuvuzela

78 - The Charlton Brothers

77 - The Charity Fun Runner

76 - Rhona Martin

75 - Arjen Robben

74 - David O’Leary

73 - Lleyton Hewitt

72 - Ken Bailey

71 - Alan Sugar

70 - John McEnroe

69 - David Bryant

68 - Badge-Kissing

67 - In da Hole!

66 - Sir Geoffrey Charles Hurst

65 - George Graham

64 - Eric Bristow

63 - Jonathan Pearce

62 - Sir Clive Woodward

61 - The Japanese Racing Driver

60 - Jonathan Edwards

59 - Sven-Göran Eriksson

58 - Sir Allen Stanford

57 - The Jockey Club

56 - Daniel Levy

55 - Joe Bugner

54 - Flavio Briatore

53 - John Motson

52 - Willie Carson

51 - Mike Gatting

50 - Footballers in Gloves and Tights

49 - Paula Radcliffe

48 - Tony Blair

47 - BBC Sports Personality of the Year

46 - Colin Montgomerie

45 - Glenn Hoddle

44 - Andre Agassi

43 - Dwain Chambers

42 - Sir Ian Botham

41 - Ron Atkinson

40 - The Centre Court Crowd

39 - Will Carling

38 - Tiger Woods

37 - Sue Barker

36 - Andy Gray

35 - Mark Nicholas

34 - The Barmy Army

33 - Ashley Cole

32 - Olympic Race Walking

31 - Mick McCarthy

30 - Thierry Henry

29 - Naseem Hamed

28 - David Pleat

27 - Sepp Blatter

26 - The Bare-Chested Gargantuan Newcastle Fan

25 - Steve McClaren

24 - John Inverdale

23 - Kenneth Bates

22 - Alan Shearer

21 - Billy Bowden

20 - Derek Thompson

19 - Michael Schumacher

18 - John Terry

17 - Pete Sampras

16 - Harald ‘Toni’ Schumacher

15 - Kevin Pietersen

14 - Mark Lawrenson

13 - Audley Harrison

12 - Tim Henman

11 - José Mourinho

10 - The Henman Parents

9 - Geoffrey Boycott

8 - Sir Alex Ferguson

7 - Bernie Ecclestone

6 - The Offside Rules of Rugby Union

5 - Arsène Wenger

4 - Alan Green

3 - Sebastian Coe

2 - The England Football Team

1 - Peter Alliss

Copyright

About the Publisher

Introduction

I love sport. I love it with a passion so obsessive that it strikes me as indistinguishable from mental illness, as my wife would be gracious enough to confirm. In May 1991, three days into the commencement of our courtship, she awoke at 6.30 a.m. to hear me announce that I was leaving the flat to tie a shoelace on the northbound Northern Line platform at Embankment underground station. Spurs were playing Nottingham Forest in that afternoon’s FA Cup final, I explained as her absolute indifference gave way to mild alarm, and because such a shoelace-tying had prefaced our victory over Manchester City in the replayed Cup final of 1981, it had to be done again. She didn’t say anything.

Nor was she capable of speech four months later when, a week into our honeymoon, I checked us out of a quaint Shaker inn in rural Massachusetts and into a filthy, cockroach-infested motel room, on the grounds that the former had no cable TV and the latter did, allowing us (me) to watch the peerlessly melodramatic dénouement to that year’s Ryder Cup.

Almost two decades later, the deranged love for sport remains unabated by the ravages of middle age. I can, and do, spend untold unbroken hours not only watching sport – any sport, other perhaps than dressage, rowing and ten-pin bowling – on television, but also taking comfort from studying cricket averages, the sequence of winners in golfing majors, and the results from the early rounds of 1970s tennis Grand Slam events. When I confess that one of my more thrilling experiences in recent years was chancing upon a website that included the scores from the qualifying competitions for World Snooker Championships, which I duly attempted to memorise, you may understand why I have come to know the condition as spautism. I regard myself as a little less far along the spectrum than those who have not missed an away fixture played by their football team in forty years, or have visited all ninety-two league grounds; but not by much, and more thanks to indolence than anything else.

Hand in hand with any all-consuming, sanity-threatening love, there inevitably travels a portion of its opposite. I resent sport as a whole for its imperious hold over me, as the stalker perhaps does the stalkee, or a heroin addict the weakness of which the drug use is manifestation rather than cause. And I resent those involved in playing, describing and administering it, both as agents of that time-sucking dominion, and in many cases for themselves.

The frustrations, distastes, rages and loathings acquired over forty years have made the writing of this book a painful task. How does one whittle down so many thousands of irritants, dullards, hypocrites, narcissists and plain horrors to a mere 101? On what possible grounds can no space be found for Cristiano Ronaldo or Vinnie Jones, Iron Mike Tyson or Sam Allardyce? What brand of imbecile would put his name to a list devoid of such titans of administrative cluelessness as cricket’s Giles Clark, or Sir Dave Richards, who somehow vaults the towering conflictof-interest hurdle to remain a power at both the Football Association and the Premier League? Whence the sheer gall to include Colin Montgomerie, yet not Nick Faldo? How in the name of all the saints did Chas and Dave avoid an appearance for ‘Snooker Loopy’?

You will each have your own fierce criticisms, as much for the inclusion of those you admire (Peter Alliss’s popularity with many sound judges must, however bemusing, be acknowledged) as for the omissions of those you detest. The ranking of the 101 will also inevitably displease.