Matthew Vincent - [you] Ruined It for Everyone!

Mr. Fuld fooled us all. I guess he forgot that it was America’s economy he was playing with, not a game of pocket pool. So keep your eye out for cheats like him. Remember, if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. And if you are a conglomerate, make sure you pay your CEOs appropriately, judging their success on length, not girth.

For ending thirty-minutes-or-it’s-free pizza.

I want my pizza hot and delivered to my stoop in under thirty minutes or I ain’t paying for it, DAMMIT! When we were kids, we used to wait by the door with a stopwatch! Those were the days of pizza hot and fast. Too bad—that era is long gone.

Domino’s Pizza was founded in 1960, and it began the “30 Minutes or It’s Free” campaign in 1973. Thomas Monaghan, the founder of Domino’s Pizza, decided to pull the twenty-year-long campaign in 1993. At that time, a couple of lawsuits were decided against his company because the guarantee promoted reckless employee driving. One accident, resulting in death, fetched $2.8 million, while another driver, whose head and back were injured, was awarded $78 million.

Thomas shouldn’t have caved in so easily. And he should have hired better lawyers. Don’t get me wrong, I usually root for the little guy, but hell, so many large companies become such magnets for huge lawsuits that you can’t help but feel a little remorse for them. Regardless, he’s the reason you can’t get fast pizza anymore.

It sucks when your stomach is growling and you know the pizza is going to be late, and most likely cold. Nonetheless, try to give Domino’s a break. I know it’s hard, but try not to take it out on the delivery guys, as they are only human. Besides, you’d lose your appetite anyway if a family of four’s blood ended up splattered on your pizza box.

And if you STILL want pizza in under thirty minutes, move to India, Israel, or Mexico, because Domino’s still has the guarantee there!

For producing terrorists.

If we only knew the real facts… This account is more of a guesstimate.

The Guantánamo Bay detention facility consists of several prison camps operated by the United States in Cuba. It has been in operation since 1987 and is scheduled to close down during the Obama administration. The lockup has been under scrutiny for torturous interrogation techniques since the Bush administration.

Imagine for a minute that you are captured by another government’s military. You are treated worse than a Michael Vick voodoo doll in the hands of PETA. You’re then flown halfway around the world to a place you’ve never heard of. There you are locked up, interrogated, and tortured for something you may or may not have done. You are held without charges and without a trial. All around you see countless victims being violated and grotesquely treated. This goes on for six years before you are released. What would you do about it? Seek revenge?

I’m sure you can find some studies to support claims that prison camp detainment and torture builds excellent leadership qualities. Thanks, America—you are creating super-terrorists!

Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Bush promoted torture and violence in the wake of 9/11. This “us or them” attitude was wrong. Especially when we didn’t know who “they” were! It’s just adding fuel to the fire!

Then again, it takes one kind of person to suggest torture, and a totally different type to implement it. The U.S. soldiers who carried out these inhumane orders should be ashamed. Who did you think you were? Jack Nicholson? Trust me—we can handle the truth. Were you so brainwashed that you couldn’t see right from wrong? I admire and appreciate that you protect our country, but try to be a human being too.

Here’s the problem: If the prisoners were not terrorists prior to being detained, you can bet your waterboard they will be once they’re freed. Job well done!

For putting Sudafed behind the counter.

A tweeker is someone who uses methamphetamines, a.k.a. crystal meth. It is one dirty drug. It’s usually smoked, but can be injected, snorted, or even shoved up the ass (with or without Richard’s gerbil). After the drug is taken, meth enters the bloodstream and stimulates the dopamine receptors. This makes the user enter a state of euphoria for up to twelve hours. The “high” is similar to cocaine but lasts much longer.

Sudafed, and other brands of decongestants, contain one of the ingredients used in the manufacture of crystal meth. The pseudoephedrine is cooked out of these medicines and is then combined with other agents to make the drug. This means people who make crystal meth need to get their hands on as much Sudafed as possible. And therein lays the problem.

So your nose is stuffed up? Well then, when you get to the drugstore, head toward the pharmacy counter, because you will not find any useful medicine on the shelves. And don’t forget your ID, because you will get carded. And I hope it’s not a lingering cold, because you are only allowed nine grams per month. Law enforcement has also added MethCheck software to most pharmacies. So if everyone in your family gets a cold or your allergies flare up, you may just be investigated for cooking meth.

Thanks a lot, tweekers! Luckily, your punishment fits your nasty lifestyle. Your body will get sores all over and your teeth will crack and rot out, and you’ll have the sensation of bugs crawling all over you skin. Are you feeling itchy?

For graffiti-covered cities.

Chaka, a.k.a. Daniel Ramos, was an infamous graffiti tagger in the early nineties. He got his name from a furry little character found on the TV show Land of the Lost . Every night, from 11 PM to 5 AM, Ramos would arm himself with about eight stolen cans of black and silver spray paint. He tagged signs and buildings throughout the West Coast with CHAKA. It was estimated by authorities that the tagger painted his name on ten thousand surfaces, resulting in more than $500,000 in property damage (although he later claimed the number to be closer to forty thousand tags).

After the conviction, he was sentenced to three years probation and fifteen hundred hours of community service (graffiti cleanup). Later, he was busted for trespassing on an L.A. city golf course and for possession of marijuana. He had another brush with the law in 1998, when he got caught stealing shoes at a department store. He was sentenced to jail for fifteen months. The tagger even had the audacity to scratch his name inside the elevator of the courthouse he was tried in.

Brilliant, Ramos. Because of you and taggers like you, spray paint is now under lock and key. You cluttered cities with senseless graffiti and you stole thousands of cans of spray paint. Now, to this day, we have to track down a sales clerk just to buy some damn paint.