Matthew Vincent - [you] Ruined It for Everyone!

The apple

For making sin so tasty.

Here’s the story: God was bored and needed some company. So he grabbed some clay and made Adam. God then created a garden for Adam to live in, called Eden. After that he created some cool animals for Adam to hang with. However, God felt a bit guilty because Adam had no one to mack on. So God decided to play matchmaker, grabbed a rib, and made Eve. Then he laid down the ground rules… The first rule of Eden: You do not eat from the Tree of Good and Evil. The second rule of Eden: You DO NOT eat from the Tree of Good and Evil! But they ate from it anyway. As a result, God kicked them out and cursed women to forever have horrible pain during childbirth.

Then God felt guilty again, so he created the epidural.

Why did the pesky apple have to be so enticing in the first place? Now all of humankind is a bunch of no-good sinners all because of some mouthwatering Golden Delicious. But let’s be realistic, it had some help…

Way to go, Eve. You listened to some stupid talking snake and took the first bite of the apple. And then you tempted Adam with it. So step up and take some blame, sister.

Way to go, Adam. It’s more your fault for being a dope. You ate the apple just for a cute piece of ass. WAKE UP, man! You had the perfect “desert island” scenario. She would have totally let you bone her no matter what! Nice going, loser.

Way to go, God. You put the tempting tree there to begin with. And why put limits on the couple? What are you, some kind of control freak? And why are we, to this day, still paying for someone else’s mistake? And if you really think about it, it’s your fault for not making us perfect in the first place!

So if [you] made it in this book—or even if you ruined it for just one person—you can still dodge the RIFE finger by pointing the blame back to the preeminently divine ruiner. Thank God!

Perhaps you are blaming me for not adding your favorite RIFE. Well, that’s because I don’t know you. If you like, write me and say, “Matt, You Ruined It For Everyone because you forgot to add [insert person here] to the list!”, and then proceed to tell me some funny anecdote as to why. Maybe, if it’s not hate mail or a death threat (and it doesn’t suck), I will include it in the sequel (you will becredited, of course; however, you will not be remunerated). Email me at matt@youruinedit.com. Or go to the website:

youruinedit.com

Thanks to all the RIFErs who made this book possible! Your misjudgment, neglect and ignorance give us all a reason to grumble. Best wishes!

Support:

[Mélanie R.] For all of your support and for being my favorite person.

[Téa V.] For being my main inspiration to expose and rid the world of all ruiners!

[Lucy C.] This book would be nothing without you, plain and simple. Thank you.

[Denise O.] For believing in me, making me smarter, and putting this book on the shelves.

[David V.] For being the best dad and best editor before I had an editor.

[Tony N.] For making me aware that it takes six times to see dead people.

[Pat V.] For being the best mom and always supporting my dreams.

[Julie V.] For the great RIFE ideas and the excellent inspiration.

[Brian V.] For thinking everything is a conspiracy.

[Chris V.] For thinking nothing is a conspiracy.

[Gavin V.] For questioning the conspiracy.

[Louise R.] For always laughing.

[Richard R.] For always pointing the finger (even though it’s usually the wrong one).

[Tony P.] For helping me understand the industry.

[Keith G. + Monique G.] For all of your support.

[Christian L.] For the author-to-author advice and pep talk.

Prereaders:

[Neal F. + Crystal F.] For being my best Indiana friends.

[Kevin K.] For being my best New York friend.

[Scott S. + Melodie S.] For being my best Los Angeles friends.

[Grant K. + Shea K. family] For letting your kids read it!

[Max M. + Melissa M.] Max, maybe you didn’t read it, but I felt the support.

[Alex V.] For being tough, honest, and great.

[Scott R.] For not getting bored.

[Steve S.] For always being a great guy and wearing the T-shirt!

[Alexis R.] For being my liaison to Tony, and for sneaking a read and liking it.

[Tanya B.] For being my interested local bookstore employee.

[Carole M.] For being a great second set of eyes.

Educators:

[Wes J.] For being my most influential architecture prof.

[Laura S.] For being my most influential English prof.

Resources:

[Google] For being the best search engine.

[Dictionary.com] For being the best free resource.

[iStockphoto.com] For being royalty-free.

Permissions:

Actually, I only got one permission, but I decided not to use it.

Here’s some free advertising for the companies that said NO:

[Rhino Records] For NOT letting me use the Grateful Dead logo, Steal Your Face, on RIFE №077.

[Craigslist.org] Craig’s great but indecisive, I’m still waiting on a response to use their logo on RIFE №O87.

[UPMC] For NOT letting me use a can of Spam on RIFE №063.

[Hasbro] For nothing, see RIFE №015.

How badly did they ruin it for you? Keep track and share it online!

youruinedit.com

Matthew Vincent has a background in architecture and design and has worked on a number of projects ranging from high-end residential and civic projects to branding and product design. He currently works as a freelance designer/ideator at his start-up design company, Fluid Figment. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Mélanie, and their daughter, Téa.

Copyright © 2010 by Matthew Vincent. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Vincent, Matthew. [you] ruined it for everyone! : 101 people who screwed things up for the rest of us / Matthew Vincent. p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

eISBN : 978-1-593-76384-8

1. Popular culture—Humor. 2. Popular culture-Miscellanea. I. Title.

PN6231.P635V56 2010

818’.602-dc22

2010019519

Typesetting by Neuwirth & Associates, Inc.

Soft Skull Press

An Imprint of Counterpoint LLC

1919 Fifth Street

Berkeley, CA 94710

www.softskull.com

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