Matthew Vincent: [you] Ruined It for Everyone!

Murder is one thing. Murdering a child is another. But putting the hit on your OWN son? Jokes fail me in this instance.

Another young boy, five years old, supposedly ate cruel counterfeit confections on All Hallows’ Eve. But it turned out that story was just a cover-up. He accidentally poisoned himself with his uncle’s all-too-accessible heroin stash. To throw off the police, the family sprinkled the drug on some candy after the child died. This brings the tally up to zero random psychos giving out tainted goodies on the frightful holiday. Which, statistically speaking, actually makes it safer to take candy from a stranger than from your own family. Nevertheless, parents still spend countless hours checking the safety of their kids’ sweet stash every year for apparently no reason. Some even go to the airport to get the candy X-rayed. It has all been fueled by rumors, assumptions, and assholes like Ronald Clark O’Bryan.

For telling us about global warming.

The world as we know it is coming to an end. By the year 2023, all ocean water will have boiled away. Al Gore tells similarly shocking information regarding global warming in his painfully revealing movie An Inconvenient Truth . If you haven’t seen it, don’t. Your time will be better spent building a fallout shelter for when the sky starts raining lava. If you hurry, you might just make it.

History tells us, “Don’t shoot the messenger.” But you kind of have to in this case. It’s not like he was handed a letter and read it; he actually did the research and uncovered the facts about global warming. Thanks a lot, Al; it’s your fault we can now fry an egg on the polar ice caps.

Quite frankly, this global warming business isn’t the only way you ruined it for everyone. You could have pushed a LITTLE harder in the 2000 presidential election recount! You could have also made your energy-guzzling home a bit more efficient (it uses about twenty times more energy than the average home and it’s only four times bigger).

And by the way… no, you did NOT invent the Internet.

For inventing daylight saving time.

Time—a good magazine and a great Pink Floyd song… But let’s get back to George Vernon Hudson and his role in daylight saving time. He first proposed the concept in 1895 in New Zealand. He felt having more daylight in the summer evenings would better our quality of life. But you can Google more about him in the fall since you won’t know what to do with that extra hour you’ll gain. You’ll find he’s the reason we have to reset our clocks and have more traffic accidents in the weeks after the time change.

There’s always so much fuss and flurry about this topic. Should we do it? Should we not? Are we saving energy or just causing headaches? And what about the poor farmers and school buses? I think it’s time for action!

Do we really need daylight anyway? Let’s just get rid of it altogether. I’ll bet Seattle and New York wouldn’t even notice the difference! We’ll just put up football stadium lights everywhere and control the day with a flip of the switch! It’ll be great! Then we wouldn’t be confined to this pesky twenty-four-hour day. We really need thirty-six-hour days anyway. Then we could work fourteen hours, spend much more time with our families, and get a couple extra hours of sleep every night! AND it would cut the ageing process in HALF! It’s genius! The only downside? Playtex will have to update to a thirty-hour bra.

Okay, here’s how we’ll do it—we need to fill up the atmosphere with smoke to eradicate the sunlight. If we legalized marijuana and started six more wildfires in California every year, that should do the trick. Then we’ll have AM, PM, and MM—the “MM,” of course, stands for “much more.” It’s gonna be great: No sunlight means less skin cancer, more time, and NO MORE spring-forward/ fall-backward bullshit. We’ll just let the little hand of our clocks have another go-round every day. Just think, your microwave will always read the correct time! Serenity now.

For cutting out the thirteenth floor.

There are many superstitions in modern civilization. We have black cats to watch out for, ladders to avoid walking under, umbrellas we pray won’t open indoors, and mirrors we are cautious not to break. But come on… picking on a poor little prime number seems like a bit much. Thirteen didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t bothering anyone when it sat happy and cozy between its little sis and big bro, twelve and fourteen. Then, one day, they stopped putting a thirteenth floor in all high-rise building WTF? How would you feel if someone took out your thirteenth vertebra? Paralyzed, that’s how. Let’s grow up and put that thirteenth button back in elevators.

Your superstitions are ruining it for everyone and yourself. Get over your phobia—and enjoy thirteen things that are great about the number 13:

I. There are thirteen new moons in a year. That’s pretty good, right?

II. Women have thirteen chances to get pregnant each year.

III. There were thirteen original colonies in the United States. You like freedom, don’t you?

IV. Thirteen years old is the start of manhood. There’s nothing unlucky about getting lucky.

V. Dan Marino wore No. 13. Remember, Dan’s the man.

VI. Thirteen doughnuts are in a baker’s dozen; twelve to a dozen is just so “carton of eggs.”

VII. The top-rated album of all time, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band , has thirteen songs.

VIII. Thirteen people attended the Last Supper. Twelve’s company, but thirteen’s a da Vinci painting.

IX. The PG-13 rating. You can see some nudity AND hear the F-bomb in a movie.

X. Michael Jordan’s shoe size is 13. Not exactly bad fortune there!

XI. Aluminum is the most abundant metal in the earth’s crust and it’s No. 13 on the periodic table.

XII. On the U.S. dollar bill, there are thirteen levels on the pyramid, thirteen arrows, thirteen stars, thirteen leaves, and thirteen olives. Is it no longer lucky to win a million of them?

XIII. Last but not least, someone’s mom’s birthday was on Friday the 13th. And moms are good.

Now that you’re convinced the number 13 is no longer bad, here’s a few hotels with a thirteenth floor for you to visit: Embassy Suites in Tampa, Florida; the International Palace Hotel in Recife, Brazil; and the Sè Hotel in San Diego, California. (I am sure the word “die” found in “San Diego” is just a coincidence.)

For the first U.S. political sex scandal.

Thomas Jefferson was the third president of the United States (1801-1809). He was the main author of the Declaration of Independence, and he helped facilitate the Louisiana Purchase and commissioned the Lewis and Clark expedition. Arguably, he is one of the greatest U.S. presidents, and a founding father of the United States of America. Despite all of his achievements, the guy just couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.