Matthew Vincent - [you] Ruined It for Everyone!

Ah, the beach… a tranquil environment of warmth, soft breezes, and the calming effects of water. Picture yourself in sunny Florida lying on a blanket, about to apply some tanning lotion. Suddenly, you see something troubling. And like a needle scratching across a record, a hairy old guy struts right before your eyes sporting a banana hammock. Apparently someone forgot to remind him that he is not in Europe. Quite frankly, there is nothing more revolting than this phenomenon.

Finally, we know the wanker responsible for Speedos. Let’s face it, Peter, the world could have done without this invention. It just makes everyone feel gross. Unfortunately, most of us were forced to wear Speedos while swimming in middle school gym class. Teachers told us we had to wear the uncomfortable trunks so everyone would look the same. But let me tell you, there is nothing “the same” about preteens when it comes to scrotal development. I blame Mr. Travis for the agonizingly embarrassing trauma of a late bloomer.

So take note: If you are a European man visiting American beaches or pools, we do not want to see your ass crack or your bulge, and we certainly DO NOT want to see your pubes. So stop it, and get some board shorts.

For the first corporate-branded stadium.

In 1953, Anheuser-Busch purchased the St. Louis Cardinals baseball franchise, along with its stadium, Sportsman Park. That same year, the brewers asked if they could rename the park, hoping to have “Budweiser” plastered on the stadium walls. However, the league president, Ford C. Frick, thought, ironically, that beer should not be associated with baseball, and said no. But he did allow the stadium to be named Busch Stadium, after the owner’s name. So, under the influence of the president’s support, Anheuser-Busch quickly, and deviously, started brewing a brand called Busch Bavarian Beer, later to be called Busch and Busch Light. And there you have it: the first stadium sponsorship was fermented.

Today, the sobering truth is that nearly every stadium, arena, amphitheater, coliseum, concert hall, skating rink, and Little League field has been renamed by corporate sponsorship. I guess tradition and fond memories don’t pay for today’s overpriced, steroid-pumped athletes.

Now don’t get me wrong—Busch is an okay beer. It isn’t the best brew around, but I certainly don’t turn it down when it’s offered. In fact, most of what I have forgotten in college can be attributed to the affordability of Busch Light. But brewing a halfway decent cold one doesn’t give Anheuser-Busch the right to sell out baseball’s history.

And if a stadium name must be changed, at least make it cool. Here are some particularly sucky ones: Pizza Hut Park, Gaylord Entertainment Center, Heinz Field, Amway Arena, Minute Maid Park (take note of the improvement—it was previously named Enron Field), Dick’s Sporting Goods Park, Lucas Oil Stadium, and Jobing.com Arena. Come on!

So the next time you “root, root, root” for the home team, don’t forget that Anheuser-Busch stole the stadium’s honor and respect and left you sitting in a giant ad campaign.

For having bad aim.

Austin Powers once asked, “Who throws a shoe? Honestly?” Well, the answer to that question, besides Dr. Evil’s sidekick, Random Task, is a man I’m sure you have heard of—Muntadhar al-Zeidi.

In 2008, at a press conference in Iraq, President George W. Bush had to dodge two shoes swiftly thrown at him. His footwear-flinging attacker was Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi. Shoe-hurling is a grave insult in Arab culture. Zeidi was trying to show his disgust toward Bush’s invasion of Iraq. Muntadhar, who had no prior criminal record, was sentenced to three years. Given the harmless nature of the crime (since nobody died from the shoe-icide), his sentence was reduced to one year after an appeal.

Muntadhar was considered a hero in many nations. A Saudi Arabian businessman offered him $10 million for one of his shoes. Also, as a result of the “shoe-ing,” Turkish shoemaker Ramazan Baydan says his company, Baydan Shoes, had to employ one hundred additional workers to meet the extra demand customers who wanted to buy the same type of shoe thrown at the hated U.S. president.

How did this sneaker-slinger ruin it for everyone? By MISSING, of course!

President Bush is an easy target to poke fun at, but, unfortunately for Muntadhar, a difficult one to hit with a shoe. In response, Bush did the only thing he could: He shrugged off the barely harmful act. However, if Bush were smart, he would have requested that the loafer-launcher be pardoned for freedom of speech (since Iraq is now a democracy, thanks to the U.S. invasion).

Don’t give up, Muntadhar. Remember: Practice makes perfect!

For making America change.

If a penny saved is a penny earned, then a penny made is a taxpayer played! Allow me to elaborate… actually, let’s let the United States Mint director’s cost analysis explain:

• Cost to mint a penny: 1.26 cents

• Cost to mint a nickel: 7.7 cents

• Cost to make a dollar coin: 16 cents

• Cost to make a dollar bill: 4.2 cents

In case you need it spelled out for you, it costs MORE to mint the penny and the nickel than the coins’ actual worth. And, if you forgot fourth-grade American history, your taxes pay for minting. Does this upset you? Well, now you finally have a good reason to smash that piggy bank!

That stupid annoying little penny… it and everything below the quarter needs to go away. Let’s start dissolving as many as we can in bottles of Coke. And besides, except for buying a hotdog at the ball game, who the hell uses cash anymore? The U.S. Mint says 33 percent of all transactions use cash. That seems a bit high. The mint must be including all of Washington’s untraceable private escort transactions in its statistics.

Anyway, if you haven’t already, start lobbying your congressman and the March of Dimes. And be sure to max out your credit as often as possible to deter coin usage. I am sure we will experience some resistance from the bleeding hearts and conservatives. But don’t worry—just tell them we can still use coins for circuit breakers and weddings, instead of throwing rice. Rice does kill birds, you know. And the next time you see Obama, tell him to fight for NO CHANGE!

A side note: Someone please tell the $1 bill to wipe that smirk off its face, because it only has a life expectancy of twenty-one months. So it can go away too. In fact, if it were replaced with the $1 coin, taxpayers would save over $500 million per year, since coins last at least thirty years!

I wonder how long it takes a dollar to dissolve in Coca-Cola.