Matthew Vincent - [you] Ruined It for Everyone!

Abdulla Ahmed Ali

For allowing only three ounces in planes.

Abdulla Ahmed Ali was one of the British Islamists arrested in connection with the 2006 transatlantic aircraft terrorist plot in the United Kingdom. He was the apparent mastermind of a terror cell that plotted to blow up airliners using liquid bombs disguised in drink bottles. Twenty-four men were arrested in Britain, but only three men, Abdulla Ahmed Ali, Assad Sarwar, and Tanvir Hussain, were convicted of conspiring to commit mass murder.

More than a thousand flights were canceled in the aftermath, and many countries imposed tight restrictions on carry-on baggage for several weeks. To this day, all travelers are still restricted to bottles that hold only about a thimbleful of liquid.

Due to the liquid bomb plot, we are only allowed to take three-ounce bottles on a plane. Not to mention the much more enjoyable chaos of going through a “heightened security” screening. I comply with these laws, but it’s such a nuisance. Air travel is no longer an adventure; it’s a hassle.

Let me take you back down memory lane… I remember going to the airport to drop my dad off for a business trip. Back then, we would stay at the gate, our noses pressed to the window, fogging up the glass, until his plane was nothing more than a speck in the sky. Even when we picked him up, we would go inside an hour early and giddily wait for his face to pop through the long human tube. However, those days are gone. Wake up from nostalgia, everybody: We are in a new era of “safety.” Nowadays a drop-off is nothing more than a kick to the curb, and a pickup usually involves a cab ride. I really feel we lost something.

But there is nothing we can do about it now, so wipe that tear from your eye, because TSA might not let you carry it on.

For making OJ NOT taste like oranges.

Ever notice that your local grocery store will sometimes have an incredible deal on strawberries? I am sure you already know why; it’s because they are “in season.” It was the best time to harvest a few weeks prior to the sale and the grocery store overbought, so they try to force-feed you with crazy-good deals. Well, all fruits and vegetables have an optimal harvesting season. The popular, and best-tasting, Valencia oranges grown in Florida are certainly not exempt from this rule. The primary picking time for this tasty citrus fruit is from March until June. So how do Tropicana and other orange juice companies make consistent-tasting juice year round? Well, they cheat by using “flavor packs.” These flavor “enhancers” are made by flavor and fragrance companies, the same ones that make your perfume, soap, and deodorant smell good. You will not find these ingredients printed on the juice box, since they use orange essence and oil and are technically part of the orange. However, chemically altered orange peel is certainly NOT nature intended juice to be made of.

More than six hundred and twenty million gallons of orange juice are sold every year in the U.S. Unfortunately, 99 percent of it does not taste like real squeezed oranges. If you were drinking “real” orange juice, the flavor would vary with the seasons (and you would also get the benefits of 30 percent more vitamins).

In the eighties, Tropicana ruined it by convincing everyone that “not from concentrate” meant “fresher.” And then it changed from “concentrate” to “pasteurized,” which was another marketing ploy. “Pasteurized” simply sounds even more fresh, but, ironically, it doesn’t make it fresher; it only means the liquid content has not been removed. Here’s what they do: They rapidly heat the juice, remove the oxygen, and then store it. This process strips the juice of most of its flavor. After that, the juice is stored for up to a year before fake “flavor” is added, and then the juice is sold.

Do yourself a favor—take a Valencia orange, squeeze it, and then do a taste test with store-bought, pasteurized, not-from-concentrate orange juice. Your taste buds will be angry. So don’t forget to drink your morning dose of vitamin C. And remember, the “C” stands for Conned!

For replacing paper with plastic.

Indirectly, Mr. Dancy is responsible for the question “Will that be paper or plastic?” In the late 1970s, Gordon Dancy invented the plastic grocery bag for good reasons. At the time, people were concerned about saving trees. As in most circumstances, fixing one problem inevitably created another. Unfortunately, this quick fix was NOT thought through:

• Plastic bags are not biodegradable, and less than 5 percent are recycled.

• Americans throw away twelve thousand plastic bags per second.

• U.S. consumers use one hundred billion plastic bags each year, which equals twelve million barrels of oil.

This doesn’t mean choosing paper is the solution. Both—paper and plastic—emit harmful gases during production. Paper weighs more and, in turn, requires more fuel in its nationwide delivery. And only about 20 percent of paper bags are actually recycled.

Is “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” the answer? Recycling is great, but it encourages overconsumption. Reusing is paramount. And, if you are among the 65 percent of Americans who are overweight, give “reducing” a try too.

Gordon, you really ruined it for everyone. Not only are plastic bags unsightly trash blowing through our neighborhoods, they have been proven detrimental to our environment and will NEVER biodegrade.

BTW, the correct answer to the “paper or plastic” question is: NEITHER! In case you missed the memo, the best thing is to carry a reusable bag. They sell these bags at ALL grocery stores for cheap, so buy some. Or, if you want to splurge, get some cool ones at www.envirosax.com. They look cool, scrunch down to about nothing, hold tons of swag, and last forever. Store them in your car or carry them with you and use them.

For making us fear Halloween candy.

Every year, many rumors and myths about candy tampering and poisoning during Halloween time resurface. The delicious dark holiday has been plagued by worries of candy contamination for decades. Parents fear that some madman will poison and distribute candy to unsuspecting boys and girls during their yearly trick-or-treating. There most certainly have been some scares, as well as false accusations. However, rest assured, there have been no “true” cases of random Halloween poisoning.

Nonetheless, someone has used the myth to try to get away with murder…

Okay, so Ronald O’Bryan did not invent the urban legend, but we have to blame someone, and he is about as nasty as someone can get. Long story short, he poisoned his own son with cyanide-laced Pixy Stix and blamed it on an aimless Halloween treat-giver. It turns out O’Bryan was just trying to collect on a large insurance policy he took out on the poor kid. He was found guilty and put to death, appropriately, by lethal injection.